Kyle Cease - God on Maury Povich

  • Season 10 , Ep 24
  • 05/11/2006
  • Views: 13,614

It says nothing about child support in the Bible. (2:00)

I THINK IF YOU'RE RELIGIOUS.THAT'S AWESOME.

AND I THINK IF YOU'RE NOT,THAT'S AWESOME.

I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD RESPECT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE BELIEVES.

AND WE SHOULD LOVE EACH OTHER,YOU KNOW?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND WE NEED A CURE FOR AIDS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT CANCER'S A BITCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I THINK THAT IF YOU'RE RELIGIOUSTHAT'S AWESOME,

IF YOU'RE NOT, THAT'S AWESOME.

I THINK THAT THE PROBLEM IS PEOPLE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE

IF THEY CAN BELIEVE A LOT OF THE THINGS IN THE BIBLE.

LIKE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE

IF GOD AND VIRGIN MARYMADE BABY JESUS.

AND THE REASON THEYDON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE

IS WE DIDN'T HAVE MAURY POVITCH BACK THEN DOING THE PATERNITY TEST.

AND THAT WOULD'VE BEEN A FANTASTIC EPISODE.

MAURY POVITCH HAS VIRGIN MARY AND HE'S LIKE,

"SO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED."AND SHE'S LIKE,

"WELL, WE WERE DRUNK AND AT A PARTY,

"I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN TO GET DRUNK.

"I HAD WATER AND IT BECAME WINE.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELLHAPPENED THERE.

"I THOUGHT HE WAS SEXY'CAUSE HE WAS SHOWING ME

"THINGS HE INVENTED,LIKE GRAVITY. AND WE HAD SEX."

AND THEN IT CUTS TO A SPLIT SCREEN

AND GOD'S BACKSTAGE GOING,"THIS IS BULL-[BLEEP].

I DIDN'T HOOK UP WITH HER!"

AND THEY'RE LIKE BLURRING OUT HIS MIDDLE FINGER,

BUT HE'S UNBLURRING IT'CAUSE HE'S GOD

AND HE CAN DO STUFF LIKE THAT. AND THEN MAURY POVITCH IS LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT GOD, COME ON OUT HERE."

AND GOD COMES OUT AND EVERYONE'S BOOING HIM

'CAUSE MAYBE HE'S A DEADBEAT GOD. I DON'T KNOW.

IT SAYS NOTHING IN THE BIBLE ABOUT CHILD SUPPORT.

IT'S NOT LIKE "CHAPTER NINE, GOD SAID, 350 A MONTH COOL?"

NEVER HAPPENED, IT'S NOT IN THERE.

IT DID SAY, "GOD SAID 'LET THERE BE LIGHT.'"

AND I WAS THINKING, "I'M SURE HE DID,

BUT WHO WAS HE TALKING TO?" WASN'T HE BY HIMSELF?

IT'S NOT LIKE I STANDALONE IN MY KITCHEN.

"LET THERE BE CHEESY MACARONI." OKAY, NOW I MAKE IT.

FIRST, I YELL OUT THE STUFF I'M ABOUT TO MAKE,

THAT WAY I KNOW IT'S COMING. AND THEN I TASTE IT,

I'M LIKE, "AND IT WAS GOOD. I APPROVE OF MY MACARONI."

YOU GUYS LIKE WEIRD JOKES. I'M GONNA DO SOME WEIRD JOKES.

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