John Heffron - Recall Button

  • Season 8 , Ep 1
  • 01/29/2004
  • Views: 6,899

The further away John gets from the recall button, the bigger the trouble he's in. (2:15)

I'M STARTING TO LOSE MY MEMORY.

THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT THE OLDER

YOU GET YOU START TO LOSE YOUR

MEMORY.

I COULD TELL YOU, I COULD BE

WATCHING A TV SHOW FOR 45

MINUTES.

THEN DURING COMMERCIALS I START

FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS.

THEN I GOTTA STOP AND GO,

"WHAT THE HELL WAS I WATCHING?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES, I DON'T HAVE

A CLUE!

YOU GET TOO FAR FROM THAT RECALL

BUTTON YOU ARE SCREWED!

[LAUGHTER]

GOTTA TELL YOU THIS.

I JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

A COUPLE MONTHS AGO.

I STAY IN RELATIONSHIPS

WAY TOO LONG.

I'M SURE AS A LOT OF PEOPLE DO.

BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES TO BREAK

UP, RIGHT?

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO.

YOU KNOW?

YOU LOVE SOMEBODY SO MUCH,

AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "I JUST

WANT THEM IN MY LIFE.

I JUST WANT THEM IN MY LIFE."

THEN FOUR MONTHS INTO DATING

THEM, YOU'RE LIKE "I HATE HOW

YOU EAT POPCORN.

I HATE YOU!

YOU SHOULD HAVE GOT YOUR OWN."

I JUST HATE BREAKING UP.

AND I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO START

A COMPANY WHERE YOU CAN HIRE US,

AND WE'LL BREAK UP FOR YOU.

YOU DON'T GOTTA WORRY ABOUT

NOTHING.

YOU HIRE MY TRAINED,

PROFESSIONAL STAFF.

WE SHOW UP WHERE YOUR SOON-TO-BE

EX WORKS WITH LIKE A CLIPBOARD.

"HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

ARE YOU JENNY?

HEY, LOOK IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S HIM.

SIGN RIGHT HERE."

[LAUGHTER]

YELLOW COPY'S YOURS.

THANK YOU.

I TELL YOU THIS, THOUGH.

WHEN I HAD A GIRLFRIEND,

THAT'S WHEN GIRLS TALKED TO ME

AND THEY ASKED ME OUT AND THEY

FLIRTED WITH ME.

WHEN I HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

WHEN YOU DON'T, NOTHIN'!

IT'S LIKE SOME SICK JOKE.

IT'S LIKE SOMEHOW YOU WOMEN

CAN SMELL IT ON A GUY.

AND IF WE SMELL SINGLE,

YOU'RE LIKE, "HELL, NO ONE ELSE

IS TAKING A CHANCE ON HIM.

WHY SHOULD I?"

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO START

A COMPANY.

RIGHT?

AND WE'RE GOING TO MAKE COLOGNE

FOR SINGLE GUYS.

BUT IT'S GOING TO SMELL LIKE

WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

HA-HA-HA, LADY!

[LAUGHTER]

SO BEFORE WE GO OUT, WE JUST

SPLASH A LITTLE ON, AND IT'LL

SMELL LIKE I'VE SPOONED WITH

SOMEBODY IN THE LAST WEEK OR SO.

AND THEN YOU LADIES WILL GO,

"OH, BUT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND."

AND I'LL GO, "HELL, SORTA!"

[LAUGHTER]

I'M WEARING "TAKEN."

[LAUGHTER, AND APPLAUSE]

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