Jim Gaffigan - People Who Don't Drink

  • Season 3 , Ep 6
  • 07/11/2000
  • Views: 74,468

Whenever people find out you don't drink, they always ask why. (1:33)

I FELL IN LOVE, LIKE,EVERY TEN MINUTES.

I'M SITTING ON THE SUBWAY,I'M LIKE,

"THERE'S MY WIFE.THERE SHE IS.

"OH, SHE'S GETTING OFF.

"ALL RIGHT,THERE'S THE WOMAN--

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S A MAN."

IT'S CONFUSING.

LIFE IS A LITTLE EASIERFOR ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

CAN WE ADMIT THAT?

THINK ABOUT IT.

IF A STRANGER SMILES AT YOUAND THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE,

YOU THINK,"OH, THEY'RE NICE."

BUT IF THE STRANGER'S UGLY,YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT DO THEY WANT?

GET AWAY FROM ME, WEIRDO."

[applause]

SOME COUPLES HERE--ISN'T IT STRANGE

WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE,ALL YOU SEE ARE COUPLES?

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE PARTOF A COUPLE,

ALL YOU SEE ARE HOOKERS.

THAT GUY'S--"THAT'S WRONG. THAT'S WRONG."

I AM SINGLE.I DON'T DRINK.

IT'S KIND OF HARDTO GET A WOMAN BUZZED

WHEN YOU DON'T DRINK.

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH,I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WATER,

"AND YOU WANT A SHOT OF JAGER?

YOU WANT EIGHT OF 'EM?"

WHEN YOU DON'T DRINK,

PEOPLE ALWAYSNEED TO KNOW WHY TOO.

THEY'RE LIKE,"YOU DON'T DRINK? WHY?"

THIS NEVER HAPPENSWITH ANYTHING ELSE.

"YOU DON'T USE MAYONNAISE?WHY?

"ARE YOU ADDICTEDTO MAYONNAISE?

"IS IT OKAYIF I USE MAYONNAISE?

I COULD GO OUTSIDE."

[cheers and applause]

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