Jay Pharoah - "Where Are U Now"

The Comedy Jam Season 1, Ep 1 08/28/2016 Views: 12,507

After explaining how Justin Bieber once appeared to him during a drug-induced hallucination, Jay Pharoah sings the pop star's hit "Where Are U Now." (8:19)

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[cheers and applause]

- What the [bleep] is up?

[cheers and applause]

How y'all feeling,y'all good?

[cheers and applause]

Shit!

Oh.

Hey, man, beforeI even get--listen.

Before I even get started, man,oh, my God, listen,

I got to give a big shout-out toJustin Bieber and that album.

Oh, my God, it is the shit.

Listen, black people, I do notknow if you agree with me,

but I think he got usback on this one.

That's what I feel like.

He got a song up there that say,"my momma don't like you

and she likes everyone."

[cheers and applause]

I was like, "Oh, my God,

he is talking to me."

Listen, and there's another songon that album, too,

that I messed with, for real,it's like--

♪ Where are you nowthat I need ya ♪

Then it goes like this--

[shrieking]♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

That is--that is the craziestnoise I have heard in my life.

And literally--fellas, fellas, it was like

you was holding backthe biggest load, right?

And you were just like,"Oh, oh, oh--"

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

"Oh, my God, it's everywhere,it's everywhere!

"It's in the tomato soup,how did it get in the soup?

It's in the soup."

Listen, man, I shout-outto Justin Bieber,

'cause you know what?

He's doing a lot better in thewoman department than I'm doing.

Like for instance,I tried to date this one chick

and she drugged me.

Mm-hmm.

I was at a all-white party.

Not 'cause ofthe clothes, just 'cause

everybody was white, right?

Look, her girlfriend came out and said,

"We gonna do some drugs."

So I said,"Hey, where's the weed at?"

She said, "No, no, no, no, no.

We're not doinghard-core drugs today."

In what universe is weeda hard-core drug?

And what exactly are we about toindulge in here, you know?

What, we 'bout to pop omega fishpills, or some shit like that?

We about to freebaseFlintstone vitamins?

Like, what the [bleep]is going on?

So she came out,she was like,

"No, no, no, no,soft-core, like Molly."

I said,"Molly? [bleep], no."

[cheers and applause]

She say--

she say--she say,"Whatever, whatever,

it's here if you want it."

♪ Whoo-ooh-ohh!

That's how I knew I ain'twanting that shit.

She involuntarily didthe Justin Bieber noise.

I said, "I don't want to[bleep] with this shit."

So look, only thingI wanted the whole night

was a glassof champagne, right?

And you got to understandsomething, L.A.,

I drink everything the same.

I don't give a [bleep]what it is.

It can be a cup of cyanide, thatbitch going down in one gulp.

That's how I do, right?

So...

so they put it outin front of me, right?

They put it out in front of me.

And naturally,I drink it fast.

Now everybody starts laughing.

I calmly said, "What're youwhite people laughing at?"

Her girlfriend say, "Not onlydid you just drink Molly,

but you drank six doses of it."

I said, "What?"

Like, literally, this is howmy face was looking--"What?"

I literally looked likeLamar Odom and Bobby Brown

[bleep] each otherand had a love child.

That's how the hellI looked, right?

So...

what they tell youabout this drug

is that it makes youfeel the best

that you've ever feltin your life.

What they neglectto tell you, fellas,

is that if you takeenough of this,

your penis will not work.

Because--me and the girlstarted making out,

and the signals just weren'tgoing down there, like--

and I'm straightas a right angle,

you know what I'mtalking about?

I'm sitting theretrying to hump the girl,

and it's just not working.

I was like, "No. No!"

I turned Kevin Hart--

"No!

"Bam, heh, bam.

"First of all, you should'vetold me about this drug,

"and what it does.

"That's your firstdamn problem--bam!

"Second problem is,I'm sitting here..."

[cheers and applause]

"Now I'm sitting herewith a retarded dick.

"My dick is like,'Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.'

I wasn't ready!Oh, my God!"

At around 6:00 in the morning,she leaves, right?

And I'm feeling badfor myself, like,

I'm bad, you know, as a man.

'Cause this don't normallyhappen to my ass, right?

You know what I'm saying?I'm good.

So all of a sudden,I'm so high,

that I see imaginaryJustin Bieber

come in my damn room.

So Justin Bieber isin my room at this point.

And now he's talking to me.

[mimics Justin Bieber]"Yo, Jay...

watch porn for, like,five hours."

I watched porn for five hours...

and then imaginaryJustin Bieber took his hand,

and he pointed right here.

At he was likewhere are you now?

And it was like this.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

But listen, that song is dope,so I'm gonna

perform it for y'all tonight.

[cheers and applause]

"Where Are U Now."Here we go.

[Justin Bieber's"Where Are U Now" playing]

- ♪ I need you

♪ I need you to

♪ I need you

♪ I need to, to, to, to, to

♪ I need you to

♪ I need you

♪ I need you to

♪ I need you

♪ I need you to,to, to, to, to, to ♪

♪ I need you to

♪ I need you the most

- ♪ I gave you the key

♪ When the door wasn't open ♪

♪ Just admit it

♪ See, I gave you faith

♪ Turned your doubtinto hoping ♪

♪ Can't deny it ♪

♪ Now I'm all alone ♪

♪ And my joys turned to moping

♪ Tell me where are you now

♪ That I need ya?

♪ Where are you now?

♪ Where are you nowthat I need ya? ♪

♪ Couldn't find you anywhere ♪

♪ When you broke down

♪ I didn't leave ya ♪- ♪ Leave ya

- ♪ I was by your side

♪ So where are you now

♪ That I need ya?

[cheers]

Here we go.

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Where you nowthat I need ya? ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Where are you nowthat I need ya? ♪

♪ I gave you attention

♪ When nobody else was paying

♪ Mm-mm-mm

♪ I gave you the shirtoff my back ♪

♪ What you saying?

♪ To keep you warm

♪ I showed you the game

♪ Everybody else was playing

♪ That's for sure ♪

♪ And I was on my knees

♪ When nobody else was praying

♪ Oh, Lord

♪ Where are you nowthat I need ya? ♪

♪ Where are you nowthat I need ya? ♪

♪ Where are you nowthat I need ya? ♪

- ♪ I need you to I need you - Here we go!

- ♪ I need you to

♪ I need you

- Here we go!- ♪ I need you the most

- Here we go!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Where you nowthat I need ya? ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh!

♪ Where are you nowthat I need ya? ♪

Thank y'all so much!

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, yeah!