Matt Fulchiron - All Kinds of Rude

  • Season 15 , Ep 11
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 6,364

Air mattresses are great for really bad decisions, economic disasters, divorce and mild drug addiction. (2:15)

got a bed.

[audience laughing]

Thank you.

Thank you.

[applause]

Bed sleepers--Anybody sleep in a bed?

At night?

Oh, best way to sleepup in a mother [deleted] bed.

Don't even get me startedon blankets.

I get into bedwith blankets...

I just startsleeping, man.

I can't help it.

I'm-I'm a bed sleeper.

That's just who I am.

That's justhow I was raised.

Sleeping on anair mattress for a while,

just like two years.

Uh...

[audience laughing]

When you go to the storeand you buy an air mattress

to sleep onas your main bed

they should give youa free box of tissues

'cause that is a sad,sad purchase.

On the box it's like,"Great for sleep-overs,

"and slumber parties,and camping trips."

but it should be like,

"Great for reallybad decisions,

"economic disasters,divorce,

"my old drug addiction.

"Every day is a bad daywhen you wake up

"on the wrong sideof the floor."

[audience laughing]

Been homeless before--It happens to everybody.

You get older,you get homeless.

It's a phase.

We've all beenthrough it.

Stare at me quietlyif you've ever been homeless.

Yeah, everybody here--I know it sucks, right?

I knew I'd be finewhen I was homeless.

It's like that expression,

"Every time Godcloses a door..."

something, something--I don't know the expression.

Whenever someone'squoting it to me

I stop listeningand start thinking about

how screwed I am

'cause God's up in heavenslamming doors in my face.

Oh, come on, God.

That's all kinds of rude.

On the seventh dayyou should have created

some mannersfor yourself.

Every time God closesa door, I open a beer.

[cheers and applause]

What kind of beer?

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Why, the Blue Ribbon?

'Cause I'm a winner--I won the prize.

I'm drinking the prize--I'm number one.

Can I have the prize?

As long as I have $3.50in my pocket,

I can havesix prizes a night...

and that's whyI love America.

Loading...