got a bed.
Bed sleepers--Anybody sleep in a bed?
Oh, best way to sleepup in a mother [deleted] bed.
Don't even get me startedon blankets.
I get into bedwith blankets...
I just startsleeping, man.
I can't help it.
I'm-I'm a bed sleeper.
That's just who I am.
That's justhow I was raised.
Sleeping on anair mattress for a while,
just like two years.
When you go to the storeand you buy an air mattress
to sleep onas your main bed
they should give youa free box of tissues
'cause that is a sad,sad purchase.
On the box it's like,"Great for sleep-overs,
"and slumber parties,and camping trips."
but it should be like,
"Great for reallybad decisions,
"my old drug addiction.
"Every day is a bad daywhen you wake up
"on the wrong sideof the floor."
Been homeless before--It happens to everybody.
You get older,you get homeless.
It's a phase.
We've all beenthrough it.
Stare at me quietlyif you've ever been homeless.
Yeah, everybody here--I know it sucks, right?
I knew I'd be finewhen I was homeless.
It's like that expression,
"Every time Godcloses a door..."
something, something--I don't know the expression.
Whenever someone'squoting it to me
I stop listeningand start thinking about
how screwed I am
'cause God's up in heavenslamming doors in my face.
Oh, come on, God.
That's all kinds of rude.
On the seventh dayyou should have created
some mannersfor yourself.
Every time God closesa door, I open a beer.
[cheers and applause]
What kind of beer?
Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Why, the Blue Ribbon?
'Cause I'm a winner--I won the prize.
I'm drinking the prize--I'm number one.
Can I have the prize?
As long as I have $3.50in my pocket,
I can havesix prizes a night...
and that's whyI love America.