Chris Distefano - Weird Relationships

Chris Distefano Season 3, Ep 1 06/06/2014 Views: 6,773

Before ending his three-year relationship, Chris Distefano has to convince his mother that it's the right decision. (1:21)

I-I was never, like,a comedian that would really

even talk about relationshipsthat much.

But then, you know,you go through a heartbreak,

and you start to thinkabout, like, oh,

relationshipsI was in that was weird,

were weird, you know?

Like, this is serious.

I dated this girl oncethree years,

one blow job.


I like some of the married guysare like,

"Three years, one blow job'spretty good, kid.

"What are you,like, a porn star?

"This kid's on fire!

"Is he, is all,is he gonna be cocky

"like this the whole night?I mean, this kid,

"accomplishment after accomplishment with this.

"Well, I haven't gottenone since '86, so...

thank you."

Three years, one blow job.

The problem ismy mother loved her.

My mother's a very Catholic,religious woman like I said.

She loved her. So I was like,

"Mom, look, I'm breaking upwith Lauren."

My mother was like, "Honey, no.

"Jesus will find a way.I promise you.

"I love that womanwith all my heart and soul.

"Promise Mommy whatever you do,you will not break up with her

"You have to stay with her.Jesus will find a way.

"Trust in me, trust in God.

"Jesus told me to tell youshe's the one.

"He's my boyfriend,she's the one.

You stay with her,she's perfect."

I just cracked one day.

I was like,"Mom, I know you like her.

"I'm dating her for three years,

she's given me one blow job."

That's what I said to my mother.

And she was like, "Christopher!

Get rid of her."