THE TWO BEST SHOWS, MAN.I CAN WATCH TWO SHOWS ANYMORE.
I LIKE "MAURY" -- I'M UP IN THEMORNINGS TO WATCH THAT CRAP --
AND "DATELINE NBC" WHEN THEYWERE CATCHING THE PREDATORS.
OH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.
CLAP FOR PEDOPHILIA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHY NOT?
YOU FIND YOURSELFROOTING FOR THEM SOMETIMES.
THOSE GUYS...
HILARIOUS! THEY'RE HILARIOUS!
THEY SHOW UP WITH THEIRCRAZY HAIR AND SWEET MUSTACHES.
THERE'S USUALLY SOME DOCKERSINVOLVED IN THE WHOLE DILEMMA.
THAT SHOW'S IMPORTANT.YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, RIGHT?
THESE GUYS TRY TO FINDYOUNG GIRLS ON THE INTERNET
TO HAVE SEX WITH,
AND THE SHOW LURES THEMTO A FAKE HOUSE,
AND THEY ARREST THEM,BUT FIRST,
THEY EMBARRASS THE [BLEEP] OUTOF THEM ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
AND WHEN THEY GET THERE --
HERE'S WHAT I LEARNEDTHAT WAS IMPORTANT --
I FOUND VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOWABOUT YOUR LOCAL PEDOPHILE.
ALL PEDOPHILES, APPARENTLY,ACCORDING TO THE SHOW,
LOVE COOKIES.
THEY LOVE SNACKS.THEY'RE WAY INTO THEM.
COOKIES, TEA,SOME KIND OF SWEET TREAT.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT KEEPS THEM INTHE HOUSE FOR THEM TO GET THEM.
THEY'RE ALWAYS NERVOUS.
"ARE YOU A COP? I DON'T --MAYBE I SHOULDN'T."
THE GIRL'S ALWAYS LIKE,"HAVE SOME COOKIES."
THEY'RE LIKE, "HELL, YEAH,I'LL HAVE SOME COOKIES!
DID YOU BAKE THESE?THEY'RE GREAT!"
THEY'RE ALREADY NAKED.
THEY'RE RUBBING CHOCOLATE CHIPSON THEIR CHEST.
THEY'RE HAVING A BALL.
TWIRLING THEIR HAIR.
THEY'RE HAVING A BLAST...UNTIL THE HOST COMES OUT.
AND HE'S NEVER COOL.
THE HOST WALKS OUTAND MAKES IT AWKWARD.
HE'S LIKE, "HEY, YOU ENJOYINGTHOSE COOKIES?"
THEY'RE LIKE, "YES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEY TELL HIM HOW OLD THEGIRL WAS, AND THEY TRY TO LIE,
WHICH IS FUNNY,'CAUSE WE ALL KNOW.
THAT'S THE FUNNY PART."THAT GIRL WAS 14 YEARS OLD."
THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,"WHAT?! ARE YOU SURE?"
"YEAH, SHE'S 14."
LIKE, "PBHT!
"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
"THANKS.
I'M GONNA TAKE OFF."
THEN HE'S LIKE, "WELL, WAIT.BEFORE YOU GO -- JUST HANG ON.
BEFORE YOU GO,I HAVE THIS TRANSCRIPT HERE,"
AND THEY HAVE THE TRANSCRIPTOF THEIR ONLINE CHAT,
AND IT'S NEVER GOOD.
IN FACT, IT'S VERY BADRIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.
IT'S ALWAYS LIKE,"INSTANT MESSAGE FROM
SCREEN NAME 'I CAN'T WAITTO BANG A 14-YEAR-OLD'
TO SCREEN NAME 'I'M SO 14.'
"I'M 14.""I KNOW."
LIKE, "HMM, ALL RIGHT, MAYBE."
[ CHUCKLES ]
THEN HE READS THE TRANSCRIPTOUT LOUD, WHICH IS BORING.
YOU GOT TO PUT OUTLIKE AN UNCENSORED DVD FOR THAT.
'CAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHY HE'S MAD.
IT DOESN'T SOUND BAD,WHAT HE'S READING,
'CAUSE HE LEAVES OUTALL THE BAD WORDS.
HE'S LIKE, "DID YOU SAYTO THIS YOUNG GIRL,
"'I WANT TO BLANK YOUIN YOUR BLANK
WHILE YOU BLANKMY BLANK BLANK'?"
HE'S LIKE, "I -- WHAT?
"I DON'T THINK SO.
"CAN I SEE THAT? DID YOU JUSTREAD ME AN EMPTY MAD LIBS?
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"
[ LAUGHTER ]
"OH, YEAH. RIGHT."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHOA.
GIVE IT UP FOR PEDOPHILIA.
[ LAUGHTER ]