Bryan Callen - How to Avoid a Fight

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 10/30/2012
  • Views: 6,599

Bryan Callen knows how to confuse his opponents. (3:02)

AND THERE'S NOBODYWHO FIGHTS LIKE NEW YORK GUYS.

LIKE, NOBODY.LIKE, ITALIAN GUYS ESPECIALLY.

MY MOTHER'S 100% SICILIAN.FORGET IT.

LIKE, GUYS, THEY GOTTA TELL YOUWHO THEY ARE,

WHERE THEY'RE FROM,WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO TO YOU,

WHO THEY KNOW,THE--I-I HEAR--IT'S CRAZ--

GUYS BE LIKE,"YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME?

"YOU EVER--YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

"YOU LOOK AT ME WRONG,I MAKE TWO PHONE CALLS.

"TWO PHONE CALLS.YOU GO AWAY IN THE MORNING,

"YOUR WHOLE FAMILY'S WORKINGIN THE CIRCUS THE NEXT DAY, BRO.

"YOUR DAD'S A CLOWN, HE'STHROWIN' PIES IN HIS OWN FACE.

"TOMORROW YOUR HOUSE,YOUR DOMICILE,

"THEY TURNED ITINTO A CAR WASH.

"YOUR MOTHER'SAT THE END OF THE LINE,

"SHE'S WASHING MY CAR,SHE'S TOPLESS,

"HER TITSARE SLAPPIN' AROUND.

I DON'T TIP HER."

ALL RIGHT? OKAY, SO THIS IS--SO THIS IS THE POINT I'M MAKIN'

IS THAT THAT NEVER WORKS,'CAUSE THEN YOU END UP FIGHTING.

HERE'S HOWYOU AVOID A FIGHT, OKAY?

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO,ALL RIGHT?

ALWAYS GET SOMEBODYTO DO THE TALKING FOR YOU.

DON'T EVER USE A FRENCH GUY,THAT'S NOT INTIMIDATING.

YOU CAN'T--SERIOUSLY.

[imitating French]

IT'S JUST--YOU JUST END UPGIVING THE GUY A HARD ON.

UM, SERIOUSLY, THAT LANGUAGEMAKES YOU HORNY. [laughs]

I MEAN--ALL RIGHT,BUT HERE'S THE--HERE'S THE BEST.

READY? THIS IS THE BEST. THIS ISTHE--THIS IS THE GREATEST--

THIS IS THE GREATEST WAYTO GET OUT OF A FIGHT.

WATCH THIS.OKAY, SO I INVENTED THIS.

INSTEAD OF STANDING LIKE THIS,LOOKING LIKE A TOUGH GUY,

SOMEBODY SQUARES UP,THIS IS WHAT I DO.

I STAND JUST LIKE THAT.LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH, I GO HIP SIDEWITH THE JAZZ HANDS,

AND LOOK AT HOW LOOSEMY MOUTH IS, LOOK.

OKAY, IT'S NOT GONNASTOP THE GUY,

BUT IT'S GONNA CONFUSE HIM,OKAY,

'CAUSE THE GUY'S LIKE,"IS THIS GUY A DANCER?

WHAT [mumbles] GOIN' ON?"YOU KNOW.

"YOU WANT TO KISS ME?WHAT THE--" ALL RIGHT,

WHILE HE'S CONFUSED,I'M JUST A JAZZ STATUE.

I'M JUST LIKE THIS,OKAY?

WHO DO I GETTO DO MY TALKING FOR ME?

I GETA SCOTTISH NOBLEMAN...

TO RIDE UP BEHIND MEON A HORSE.

ALL RIGHT?SO PICTURE THIS,

YOU KNOW THE GUYFROM BRAVEHEART?

HE'S GOT A KILT,FIRE-RED BRAID,

AND I'M JUST LIKE THIS,AND YOU THINK

YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIGHT ME, LIKE,"WHY IS THIS GUY A DANCER?"

AND JUST--ANGUS JUST--

[horse riding sounds][whinnies]

AND HE JUST REARS UPAND DOES THE--

LIKE, HIS HORSE LOOKS LIKEA LITTLE HORSY BOXER.

LIKE, IN SLOW MOTION,

AND HE JUST...LANDS,AND THEN HE JUST

LOOKS AT MY OPPONENTAND HE GOES,

[Scottish accent]"EXCUSE ME, LADDIE.

"I HOPE IT'S NOT YOUR INTENTIONTO FIGHT THIS MAN,

"BUT HE'S A GOOD MAN.

"SOME WOULD EVEN DARETO CALL HIM A GREAT MAN,

"BUT HEAR ME NOWAND HEAR ME WELL.

"IF YOU'RE FOOL ENOUGHTO GO TO WAR WITH HIM,

"THEN I HOPE YOU'VE GOTSATAN HIMSELF BY YOUR SIDE,

BECAUSE YOU...WILL...NEED HIM!HEE-YA!"

AND HE JUST RIDES OFF.

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