Jim Norton - Positive Profiling

Jim Norton: Please Be Offended Season 1, Ep 0101 04/14/2013 Views: 8,380

Jim Norton explains why people need to stop complaining about airport security and embrace positive profiling. (2:34)

WHEN DID AIRPORT SECURITY

BECOME THIS SHOCKING PROCEDUREIN AMERICA?

I LOVE THE FACT THAT WE ACT LIKESUCH CIVIL LIBERTY VICTIMS

'CAUSE THEY WANT TO FRISK US.

"WHY DO THEY HAVE TO FRISK USAT THE AIRPORT?"

GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE 'CAUSE WE DON'T LIVE INUTOPIA WHERE A GUY'S WALKING

THROUGH, AND THEY'RE LIKE,"HEY, DO YOU HAVE A BOMB?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "AH, YOU GOT ME."

LIKE, WHAT DO WE EXPECT?

WE DEMAND SAFETY.

WE DEMAND SECURITY.

AND YET WE BITCH AND MOANEVERY STEP OF THE WAY

AND FEEL VICTIMIZED.

AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WELL,PROFILING IS NEVER RIGHT."

BULLSHIT.

WE JUST DON'T LIKENEGATIVE PROFILES.

YOU'VE NEVER HEARD ANYBODYCOMPLAIN ABOUT A POSITIVE

PROFILE.

"HEY, IS THAT YOUR KID?

HE LOOKS KIND OF--HE LOOKS KIND OF SMART."

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

HIM?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO.

HIS MOTHER DRANK THE ENTIRE TIMESHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIM.

RUINS EVERY--GO AHEAD, SAY SOMETHING."

[groans]"SEE?

DUMB MOTHER[bleep].

WATCH IT."

BULLSHIT.

IT'S ONLY A NEGATIVE PROFILE,AND I GET STOPPED 70% OF THE

TIME THAT I'M GOING THROUGHAIRPORT SECURITY.

THEY ASK ME TO STEP ASIDE.

THEY'RE PROFILING ME.

AND THEY DON'T LOOK AT MEAND THINK, "ISLAMIC TERRORISM."

THEY LOOK AT ME AND THINK,"OKLAHOMA '95."

I LOOK LIKE EVERY DISGRUNTLED,CREEPY WHITE SHOOTER.

AND IT'S MILDLY ANNOYINGAT WORST.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

IT DOESN'T RUIN YOUR LIFE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "COULD YOU PUTYOUR ARMS OUT, PLEASE?"

AND ALL RIGHT.

YOU FEEL A LITTLESELF-CONSCIOUS 'CAUSE YOU'RE

STANDING IN CRUCIFIXION POSE.

AND TYPICALLY, NOBODY STANDINGLIKE THIS IS DOING WELL

AT THE MOMENT.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW,THE PAT-DOWN USED TO BE A QUICK,

FUNCTIONARY ONE, AND NOWIT'S A LITTLE MORE INVOLVED.

THEY COME UNDER THE WRISTAND UNDER THE ARMPIT,

DOWN THE TORSO,AROUND THE WAIST,

ONE HAND ON THE OUTER LEG,ONE HAND UP ON THE INNER THIGH.

AND YOU REALLY WANT TO CREEP'EM OUT, WHEN THEY TOUCH

THE INNER THIGH, GO...

[groans]LET YOUR LEGS BUCKLE

A LITTLE BIT.

[groans]GIVE A SEXY LAUGH.

[laughs]AND THEN THEY PRESS VERY FIRMLY

ALL THE WAY BACK DOWN TO YOURANKLES TO SEARCH FOR WEAPONS.

NOW, I ALWAYS WEAR SWEATPANTSWHEN I FLY...

AND I TAKE CIALIS.

IT'S THE RECIPEFOR AN AMAZING MOMENT.

AT LEAST ONCE EVERY FLIGHT,I HAVE TO ELBOW THE PERSON NEXT

TO ME AND GO, "HUH."