Extended - Rapid Refresh - Justin Bieber's Puppy & A Douchey Comeback - Uncensored

Season 2 , Ep 02083 03/26/15 Views: 292

Natasha Leggero, Sarah Tiana and Jeff Ross roast Justin Bieber's new dog, write slogans for the relaunched TapouT brand and list titles for an unlikely buddy cop movie. (6:26)

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RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)(CLEARS THROAT)

JUST ONE WEEK AFTER BEINGSUBJECTED TO THE ACID-TONGUE WIT

OF TONIGHT'S PANELISTS, JUSTINBIEBER MADE EVEN MORE NOISE ON

SOCIAL MEDIA BY GETTING A NEWPUPPY.

>> AW...

>> HARDWICK: GUYS, THIS ISJUSTIN BIEBER'S PUPPY ON HIS

INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.

LOOK AT THAT PUPPY.

(SARAH AW-ING)LOOK AT THAT PUPPY BEING

CHOKE-FUCKED BY JUSTIN BIEBERRIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)GIVEN THE OPTION, PETA PROBABLY

WOULD'VE RECOMMENDEDEUTHANIZATION.

(LAUGHTER)SINCE, UH, SINCE THIS PUPPY WAS

NOT PART OF YOUR ROAST MATERIAL,PLEASE GIVE ME THE JOKE YOU

WOULD TELL ABOUT THIS NEWDEVELOPMENT.

NATASHA LEGGERO.

>> UM... PINK CRAYON IS NOTONLY HIS FAN'S FAVORITE WRITING

INSTRUMENT, IT ALSO DESCRIBESTHE DOG'S DICK HE'LL BE SUCKING.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> WHOA. GEEZ.

>> WELL, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BEROAST LEVEL, RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: THAT-THAT IS ANEXPRESSION OF A DOG THAT'S

CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE.

(LAUGHTER)>> NATASHA, I WISH YOU WERE THAT

FUNNY ON THE FUCKING ROAST.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I HEARD NATASHA

DESTROYED ON THE ROAST.

>> DESTROYED.

>> HARDWICK: DESTROYED.

>> DESTROYED.

>> SHE DID. SHE DID.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

>> YOU DID, TOO.

>> THANKS.

>> JUSTIN... MOST OF JUSTIN'SJOKES WERE AIMED AT JEFF,

THOUGH, NOW THAT I'M THINKINGABOUT IT.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, THEY SPENTTHE MOST TIME TOGETHER.

YOU GUYS HAD TO SHOOTALL THE PROMOS AND STUFF.

>> WE SHOT SOME PROMOS.

>> OH, MAYBE THAT'S WHY.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT'S HE LIKE JUSTHANGING OUT WITH?

>> HE LIKES A PINKIE IN HISTUSHIE.

(LAUGHTER)>> I'M OPENING UP HERE.

I'M OPENING UP HERE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS FOR JEFFROSS FOR TELLING US THE TRUTH.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL TELL YOUWHAT HE WAS.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> I DIDN'T REALLY CARE MUCHABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER AND THEN I

MET HIM AND WE DID THE ROAST ANDI SAW HOW WELL HE TOOK THE JOKES

AND HOW GREAT HIS SPEECH WAS ATTHE END.

KIND OF LIKE HIM NOW.

>> HARDWICK: YOU DO NOW?

OKAY, GOOD, GOOD.

WELL, HOPEFULLY THIS WORKED ANDPEOPLE ARE GOING...

THERE'S ROOM IN OUR HEARTS AGAINFOR JUSTIN BIEBER.

>> YEAH. WE NEED BIEBER TO GETMORE FANS SO THANK GOD...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH.

>> ...JEFF WAS ON BOARD.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, BIEBERNEEDS...

>> OH, WAIT, WAIT, NO, DON'T GETME WRONG.

HIS MUSIC SUCKS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH.

>> BUT I KIND OF LIKE THE GUY.

(WHISTLING, APPLAUSE)>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I

LIKE?

>> HARDWICK: IT'S JUST THAT NOWHE'LL GET THE HIPSTER CROWD AND

THE 40- TO 55-YEAR-OLD MALEDEMOGRAPHIC.

>> AND ALSO WHAT'S COOL ABOUTHIM IS HIS FANS ARE JUST REALLY

CHILL AND LAID BACK.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THEY'RE SOCOOL.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: THEY'RE SO COOL.

SO MUCH BETTER THAN ONEDIRECTION FANS.

I MEAN, MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, MAYBE THEY COULD FIGHTABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET AND WE

COULD JUST WATCH.

>> START A RACE WAR.

>> HARDWICK: IT WOULD BE...

IT WOULD BE THE NEW RACE WAR.

OR MAYBE ONE DIRECTION FANS AREBETTER THAN JUSTIN BIEBER FANS.

(SARAH GASPS)MAYBE THEY'LL JUST HAVE TO

FIGURE IT OUT.

MAYBE THEY'LL JUST...

OH, THEY'RE ALL... THIS IS WAYPAST THEIR BEDTIME.

>> I KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

SARAH TIANA.

>> I WAS JUST HOPING THAT MAYBETHIS PUPPY CAN TEACH JUSTIN HOW

TO PEE STANDING UP.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AND NOW, FOR YOUR EDIFICATION,WE'D LIKE TO PRESENT A BRIEF AND

WONDROUS INSTAGRAM HISTORY OFTHE MODERN DOUCHE BAG.

IN 2015, THE MOST PROMINENTPRACTITIONER OF THE DOUCHE ARTS

IS A FELLA LIKE SO.

THERE YOU GO.

(LAUGHTER)IRONIC FACIAL HAIR, PROBABLY

RIDES A UNICYCLE AND CONSTANTLYDRINKS SMALL-BATCH ARTISANAL

COFFEE WHICH MAKES HIMCONSTANTLY BLAST SMALL-BATCH

ARTISANAL FARTS.

(LAUGHTER)THEN, WAY BACK IN 2010, THE

DOUCHE DU JOUR WAS THISGENTLEMAN, CONSTANTLY POUNDING

ENERGY DRINKS, SPECULATING AS TOWHETHER OR NOT HIS BROS EVEN

LIFT, AND DRESSING EXCLUSIVELYIN TAPOUT, THE OFFICIAL

CLOTHING BRAND OF JACKEDASSHOLES. UH...

BUT GOOD NEWS, TAPOUT HASPARTNERED WITH WWE IN HOPES OF

MAKING A COMEBACK!

ALL RIGHT.

(WHOOPING)>> YEAH!

>> HARDWICK: SO, COMEDIANS,PLEASE GIVE ME A SLOGAN FOR THE

ALL-NEW TAPOUT CLOTHING. SARAH.

>> SHE CAN'T SAY NO IF HER MOUTHIS FULL!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

>> IS THAT TRUE?

>> HARDWICK: IS THAT TRUE!

>> APPARENTLY, YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)I LOST IN COURT OVER IT. YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: JEFF ROSS.

>> THEIR SLOGAN IS: TAPOUT, THEONLY CLOTHING BRAND NAMED AFTER

THE LOSING MOVE IN OUR SPORT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

POINTS. I NEVER THOUGHT OF THATBEFORE.

>> BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IT REMINDSME, LIKE... YOU'RE NEVER GONNA

SEE...

>> HARDWICK: FROM THE MAKERS OFUNCLE PANTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE A

FOOTBALL PLAYER SIGN ANENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH FUMBLE

SPORTSWEAR.

>> HARDWICK: NO, NO.

YO, BRO, YOU WEARIN' TACKLE?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT. FROM THE DEPTHS OFYOUTUBE COMES THIS STORY OF A

REGULAR GUY OUT FOR A DRIVE WHENFATE BROUGHT HIM TOGETHER WITH

WHICH ONE OF THESE UNLIKELYHITCHHIKING COMPANIONS.

A...

WHICH ONE OF THOSE?

>> OH, MY GOD, I HOPE IT'S AWASTED, SEXUALLY AROUSED...

>> HARDWICK: YOU HAVE TO BUZZ INBEFORE YOU START GUESSING

THINGS, SARAH.

(LAUGHTER)DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU

ANYTHING ABOUT GAME SHOWS?

>> OH! SORRY! ALL OF A SUDDENCHRIS HAS "RULES."

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> I HOPE IT'S A WASTED,SEXUALLY AROUSED NICK NOLTE.

>> HARDWICK: UM... IT'S NOTGONNA BE AS FUNNY AS THAT,

UNFORTUNATELY.

IT'S ACTUALLY THIS.

BUT STILL PRETTY RAD.

>> CHILL, THE OWL RIGHT NOW,MAN, WE BONDING.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY, LAUGHS)GOT A OWL.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)(LAUGHTER)

>> ARE WE SURE THAT WASN'T NICKNOLTE?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NO.

>> ARE WE SURE?

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: I THINK, UH...

I THINK HE'S JUST GETTING HISRAVENCLAW LETTER.

UH, ALL RIGHT, THIS WOULD MAKEFOR A PRETTY GREAT BUDDY COP

MOVIE.

ONE'S A MAN, ONE'S AN OWL, ANDTOGETHER THEY ARE PELLET-PROOF!

COMEDIANS, WHAT SHOULD THEIRBUDDY COP MOVIE BE TITLED?

NATASHA.

>> UM, BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE 4: OWLUP IN MY BUSINESS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)>> BUT IT WON'T BE STARRING

MARTIN LAWRENCE.

>> IT'S NOT GONNA BE MARTINLAWRENCE? NO.

>> HE'S BUSY. HE'S BUSY.

>> HARDWICK: SARAH.

>> UH, STOP OR MY MOM WILL BARFUP A MOUSE SKELETON.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)POINTS.

MR. ROSS.

>> UH, THIS IS A BUDDY COPMOVIE: HOOTIE AND THE BLACKFISH.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

JESUS CHRIST. OKAY, POINTS.

>> DON'T GO TO SEAWORLD!

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