Tess - Women in Politics

  • Season 9, Ep 5
  • 02/24/2005
  • Views: 1,782

RIGHT NOW MAN, I DON'T KNOW

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME LIKE,

"TESS, WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING

IF YOU WASN'T DOING COMEDY?"

I WOULD PROBABLY BE IN THE

POLITICAL ARENA.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO YOU.

'CAUSE-- CONDOLEEZZA RICE,

I LOVE HER.

I LOVE HER Y'ALL.

THAT'S A BAD SISTER.

AND SHE CAN LIE.

OOH, SHE CAN LIE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SHE JUST MAKE ME FEEL WARM AND

FUZZY.

YOU KNOW, JUST A GOOD LIAR.

I DON'T CARE.

'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT--

JUST LIKE HER, I WOULD HAVE

NEVER TOLD ON MY BOSS EITHER.

UH-UH.

ME EITHER.

'CAUSE I-- LET ME TELL YOU

SOME WHITE PEOPLE ABOUT BLACK

WOMEN.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS WE AIN'T

GONNA DO.

ONE, IS SNITCH AND TWO, IS FILE

SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

THAT'S NOT US ALREADY?

WHITE GIRLS, Y'ALL STARTED

THAT LITTLE REVOLUTION, OKAY.

THAT AIN'T US.

'CAUSE I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,

I WORKED FOR THIS ATTORNEY

ONE TIME WHO WOULD TELL ME

EVERY MORNIN', "TESS, YOUR

BREASTS LOOK LIKE TWO BIG RIPE

PEACHES READY FOR THE PICKIN'."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU THINK I WENT RUNNIN' TO

HUMAN RESOURCE TO TELL ON HIM?

OH, NO.

I KNEW I WAS GONNA NEED THAT

COME PERFORMANCE REVIEW TIME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THAT'S CALLED LEVERAGE,

WHITE GIRLS.

LEVERAGE.

I'M TELLIN' YOU RIGHT NOW.

IF ME AND MY SISTER GIRLS GET

A GOOD JOB WITH BENEFITS AND

NICE PAY, WE WALK IN THE DOOR

KNOWING, "I MIGHT HAVE TO

GIVE UP SOME ASS IN HERE."

WE KNOW THAT.

WE KNOW THAT.

WE CHALK IT UP RIGHT IN THE

BEGINNING, RIGHT IN THE

BEGINNING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "UH-HUH, THIS A

NICE OFFICE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO GIVE UP SOME

ASS FOR THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS NICE HERE."

I DON'T CARE.

WE DO.

BUT I KNOW WHO GOT Y'ALL

STARTED WHITE GIRLS.

MONICA LEWINSKY.

OH, YEAH.

Y'ALL WAS ON HER TEAM, WASN'T

YOU.

"GO MONICA."

YEAH, RIGHT.

I WAS LIKE, "SHUT UP, MONICA.

SHUT UP.

JUST SHUT UP.

YOU MESSIN' IT UP FOR ALL THE

GOOD HONEST HO'S IN THE WORLD.

BE QUIET."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW DON'T TELL YOUR LITTLE

WHITE FRIENDS, 'CAUSE YOU SEE

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.

SHE GONE TELLING HER--

WHAT'S HER OLD DOG FACE

FRIEND NAME?

LINDA TRIPP, YEAH, LIKE A

GERMAN SHEPHERD.

OLD-DOG-FACE SELF.

I FULLY EXPECTED HER TO BARK HER

TESTIMONY, YOU KNOW.

[BARKING]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OLD-DOG FACE YOU'RE OUT OF HERE.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW IF

THAT WAS A SISTER BREAKIN' THE

PRESIDENT OFF, Y'ALL WOULD HAVE

NEVER HEARD ABOUT IT TO THIS

DAY.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A WHITE

HOUSE SECRET.

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU.

THINK ABOUT IT.

SHANTE OR DEJANE OR SOMETHING,

YOU KNOW, CRAYOLA...

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE--

SHE COULD HAVE JUST GOT UP OFF

HER KNEES AND WALKED OUT THE

OVAL OFFICE STRAIGHT TO THE

CAMERAS AND BEEN LIKE, "HUH?

NAH.

UH-UH.

I DON'T KNOW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"CLINTON WHO?

NO, I DON'T KNOW NO CLINTON.

NUH-HUH."

"OH, SHOOT I GOT SOMETHING ON

MY DRESS."

NO.

NO, I DON'T KNOW.

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