Greg Proops - Different Places

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 06/18/1999
  • Views: 5,498

People in New York aren't rude, they're just busy. (4:19)

SHUT UP.

( laughter )

FABULOUS TO BE HEREIN NEW YORK CITY

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES,CALIFORNIA, OR, UH...

( cheering )

OH, WE GOT PEOPLE IN FROM L.A.?

THEN I'LL GO REAL SLOW.

( laughter )

WE'RE LOWER CALIFORNIA OR LOWCAL, IF YOU WILL, AND, UH...

PEOPLE IN L.A. ALWAYS THINK

THAT PEOPLE IN NEW YORKARE RUDE

AND THAT ISN'T THE TRUTH.

PEOPLE IN NEW YORK ARE BUSY...

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, THINKING.

YOU KNOW? 'CAUSE IN L.A.

YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT TO LOOKFOR INTELLIGENT THOUGHT

'CAUSE IT'S NEVER JUSTGOING TO... COME AT YOU.

( laughter )

AND THEY DON'T HAVE TIMEIN NEW YORK

TO WAIT AROUND FOR OUR PINHEAD

SMOOTH-LOBED INDECISION,YOU KNOW?

HERE IN NEW YORK, PEOPLEARE LIKE, "WHAT'LL IT BE?"

"UM, WELL, I'M NOT CERTAIN,DO YOU HAVE A..."

"THAT'S IT, I'M DONE NOW.THANK YOU.

"I'M BUSY. I HAVE STUFF TO DO

"IN MY LIFE, OKAY?

YOU STAND THERE AND DECIDETILL THE END OF TIME."

AND THERE'S A LOT OF RULESIN CALIFORNIA.

WE HAVE LIBERAL FASCISM.

YOU CAN'T SMOKE IN A BARIN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA. MM.

NOW, I'M NOT MAD THEY DID THAT.

I UNDERSTAND THAT SMOKINGIS VAGUELY INAPPROPRIATE

IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS.

YOU KNOW,LIKE A ORPHANAGE OR...

( laughter )

CANCER WARD, WHATEVER.

( laughter )

BUT A BAR?

( snorting ):DUH!

OR, FOR OUR FRENCH FRIENDS

DER DOYNG!

YOU'RE IN A BAR. GROW UP.

YOU'RE DRINKING POISON.

( laughter )

YOU'RE TRYINGTO HAVE SEX UNSAFELY

WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW.

IS SECOND-HAND SMOKEREALLY THE CHIEFEST

OF YOUR HEALTH CONCERNSAT THIS POINT?

"DUDE, I'VE BEEN DOINGTEQUILA SLAMMERS SINCE NOON.

"I'M TRYING TO SHAGTHIS CHICK I JUST MET.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME.

COULD YOU PUT THAT OUT?"

( laughter )

I'LL PUT OUT MY CIGARETTE

THE DAY EVERYBODY WALKS TOTHE SHOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

'CAUSE I LIVE IN HOLLYWOOD

WHERE THERE IS NOT ONE IOTAOF UNPAVED SPACE

AND YET EVERYONE FEELS THE NEEDTO DRIVE A SUBURBAN, FOUR-WHEEL

HUMVEE ASSAULT VEHICLE.

'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW

WHEN YOU'RE GOING...OFF-ROAD IN HOLLYWOOD.

"KIDS, WE'RE GOINGTHROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU.

HOLD THE ROLL BAR!STAY LOW! KEEP CLOSE!"

( laughter )

I SPEND A LOT OF TIMEIN ENGLAND.

"REALLY, GREG?WE'RE FASCINATED. TELL US MORE."

ALL RIGHT, I WILL.

I LIKE TO GO TO ENGLAND

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

I LIKE TO GO TO A COUNTRYWHERE I AM CONSIDERED...

THE BEST-LOOKING PERSON.

IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

( laughter )

HOLLYWOOD-- KIND OFA CRUSHING EGO BLOW.

YOU KNOW, "HEY, BUDDY HOLLY...

"YOU ARE SO OLD.

HAVE YOU NOT PERISHEDIN A PLANE CRASH?"

BUT NOT IN ENGLAND.

OH, GOOD GOD, NOT THERE.

IN ENGLAND--GOD BLESS THAT DINKY ISLAND--

THERE IT'S,"OH, GOOD GOD, LOOK AT HIM."

"HE HAS ALL HIS TEETH

AND HIS EARS AREIN PROPORTION TO HIS HEAD."

( laughter )

I'M BRAD BLOODY PITTON THAT ISLAND.

AND THE ENGLISH, WHO AREWARM AND CUDDLY BY NATURE...

( laughter )

THANK YOU.LOOK FOR THE SARCASM.

YOU'LL FIND ITCONTAINED IN EVERY JOKE.

OH, THEY HAVE LOTS OFINTERESTING QUESTIONS FOR ME.

QUESTIONS LIKE,"WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?"

AND "DO YOU MISS AMERICA?"

( laughter )

AND, "ARE YOU MISS AMERICA?"

( laughter )

IT'S A SEMANTICMINEFIELD.

AND I MISSWHAT ANYBODY WOULD MISS.

MOSTLY, I MISSTHE MEXICAN FOOD. MM-HMM.

THIS MAY NOT COME ASA WILD-ASSED, BUG-BEATEN

PINATA-BREAKING, BABOON'S-BUTTSURPRISE TO ALL Y'ALL...

BUT ENGLAND IS NOTA REALLY KICKING PLACE TO GO...

IF YOU WANT FULL-ON,SCREAMING MEXICAN FOOD.

WHO KNEW?

SOMETHING TO DOWITH THE WAY

THEY PRONOUNCEIT, I THINK.

"SORRY, WOULD YOU LIKE

AN ENCHILAAADA?"

"MM-MM. NO, THANK YOU, NO,I DON'T WANT AN ENCHILAAADA."

NOR DO I WANT THE BURR-EYE-TO...

OR A TAY-CO...

OR ANY OTHER BIZARRE,UNECESSARY VOWEL SUBSTITUTIONS.

SO THERE'S A BITCHING

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