Brendon Walsh - Too Many Mushrooms

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 04/21/2011
  • Views: 11,634

Have you ever been so high on mushrooms that you thought your brains were sliding out your asshole? (4:07)

SO WE USED TO-- IT WAS LIKE ABIG--WE USED TO LIKE (bleep)WITH PEOPLE.

SO ONE TIME, WE WERE GONNA GOSEE THE BAND WEEN.

(scattered cheers)WE BOUGHT SOME TICKETSTO SEE WEEN, RIGHT?

YEAH. WEEN'S GREAT.GO SEE THEM LIVE.

THEY'LL KNOCK YOUR (bleep)IN THE DIRT.

THOSE GUYS KNOWWHAT THEY'RE DOING.

AND NOTHING BETTERTHAN SEEING WEEN LIVE

EXCEPT FOR SEEING WEEN LIVEON MUSHROOMS.

(laughter)

SO I HAD THESE BIG CRAZYTEXAS MUSHROOMS,

AND I HAD THIS ROOMMATE,THESE TWO ROOMMATES,

JIM AND MARY, AND MARY WAS LIKETHIS YOUNG KNOW-IT-ALL, LIKE,

ROLLER DERBY CHICK, YOU KNOW,WHICH IS--I LOVE ROLLER DERBY.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER SEEN IT,BUT I LIKE THAT IT EXISTS

BECAUSE IT CUTS DOWN ONALL THE CRAPPY GIRL BANDS

THAT WOULD BE AROUND,OTHERWISE.

(laughter and applause)

(laughs)

SO SHE SEES THE MUSHROOMSI HAVE AND SHE GOES,

"OH, THOSE MUSHROOMS.

"YOU ONLY NEED TO EAT LIKEA CAP OR A STEM,

YOU'LL BE FINE," AND I WAS LIKE,"SHUT UP, MARY.

"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M EATING HALFOF THIS GODDAMN BAG."

SO I'M LIKE, "ARR,"I EAT HALF THE BAG,

AND I PUT ON MY FAKE MUSTACHEAND MY SUIT.

ME AND KEVIN START WALKINGTO THE SHOW,

AND LIKE FIVE MINUTES INTO THEWALK I WAS LIKE,

"OH, MAN, THESE THINGS AREKICKING IN ALREADY, I THINK.

THAT'S WAY TOO FAST."

AND THEN I THOUGHTMAYBE I DID TAKE TOO MANY

'CAUSE I KIND OF FEEL MY BRAINSLIDING OUT OF MY (bleep)HOLE.

I DON'T KNOWIF THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

AND I LOOK UP AT KEVIN,

AND I GO, "HEY, MAN,WHERE ARE WE?"

AND HE LOOKS AT THE STREET SIGNAND HE GOES,

"WE'RE AT NINTHAND NATCHEZ.

AND I GO, "NO,WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE IN?"

AND HE GOES, "ARE YOU OKAYTO GO TO THE SHOW?"

I SAID, "I DON'T THINK SO.GO CALL JIM AND MARY.

"TELL 'EM TO COME PICK ME UP.

I'M GONNA GO LAY DOWN ONTHIS LAWN FOR A LITTLE WHILE."

AND I LAY DOWN ON THE LAWN,

AND THEN I HAD THIS OVERWHELMING FEELING THAT SOMETHING

REALLY BAD HAD HAPPENED, LIKE,I REMEMBERED HANGING OUT

BY THE HIGHWAY, AND I THOUGHT,OH, (bleep)

I FELL OFF THE HIGHWAYOR SOMETHING.

NOW MY BODY'S BACK THEREAND I'M, LIKE,

IN THIS WEIRD KIND OF"JACOB'S LADDER" EXISTENCE

LIKE, BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATHAND HEAVEN AND HELL.

AND JUST WHEN I'M THINKING THAT,JIM AND MARY COME PULLING UP

IN JIM'S WEIRD CORVAIREMOBILE HOME THAT HE'S DRIVING.

AND THEN HE OPENS THE DOOR,AND HE'S LIKE, "GET IN."

AND I'M LIKE,"I DON'T WANT TO GET IN.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ME TO HELL."

HE'S LIKE, "WE'RE NOT GONNATAKE YOU TO HELL.

JUST GET IN."I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU TAKE ME TO HELL,I'M GONNA BE SUPER BUMMED OUT."

I GET IN THE VAN.

I MAKE SURE THERE'S NONEOF THOSE WEIRD FAST

HEAD-SHAKING GUYSFROM "JACOB'S LADDER" IN THERE.

AND THE WHOLE RIDE HOME,I'M LIKE--

I'M REALLY--EVERYBODY'S VERYCONCERNED ABOUT ME

'CAUSE THEY CAN TELLI'M LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND.

AND THEY DROP US OFFAT THE HOUSE, AND WE GIVE--

KEVIN AND I GIVE BOTHOUR ROOMMATES--

WE GIVE THEM OUR WEEN TICKETSAND THEY GO TO THE SHOW

AND THEY LEAVE USBOTH AT THE HOUSE.

AND I GO IN AND I TAKE OFFMY FAKE MUSTACHE AND MY SUIT

AND I'M WEARING A WHITE DRESSSHIRT AND WHITE BOXER SHORTS,

AND THE WALLS ARE WHITE.

I'M, LIKE, BATHED IN WHITE.

SO I'M LIKE, "OKAY,THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING."

SO I START PRAYING, I'M LIKE,"GOD, JUST GET ME OUTTA THIS.

"I'LL CHANGE.I'LL BE A BETTER PERSON.

"JUST--I DON'T WANTTO GO TO HELL.

"I'LL STOP (bleep)WITH PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.

"I WON'T WEARFAKE MUSTACHES ANYMORE.

"I WON'T TELL EVERYBODYGENE HACKMAN DIED

"FOR MY OWN AMUSEMENT,WON'T TAKE ANY FAKE ADS.

"JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS,AND I'LL CHANGE.

I'LL BE A GOOD PERSON."AND I SWEAR TO GOD,

TWO SECONDS LATER,JUST LIKE THAT,

THE DRUGS WORE OFF,AND I WAS LIKE, "OH.

OH."

AND KEVIN'S LIKE, "WHAT?"I WAS LIKE, "NOTHING.

"DRUGS WORE OFF.I'M FINE NOW.

SORRY I WAS THAT GUYTHAT LOST HIS MIND ON DRUGS."

HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S CRAZY,"I GO, "YEAH,

"BUT MAYBE IT HAPPENEDFOR A REASON.

"MAYBE I SHOULD SHAPE UPAND BE A BETTER PERSON

AND STOP (bleep)WITH PEOPLE ALL THE TIME."

AND AS WE'RE TALKINGABOUT THIS,

I HEAR JIM AND MARYPULL INTO THE DRIVEWAY.

THEY'RE BACK FROM THE CONCERT,AND I GO,

"JIM AND MARY ARE HOME.

"THEY DON'T KNOWTHAT I'M FINE NOW.

(laughter)

WE SHOULD (bleep) WITH THEM!"

SO I GET COMPLETELY NAKEDAND LAY ON THE FLOOR

WHILE KEVIN POURS DRY CAT FOODALL OVER ME.

I'M GOING, "I'M A GOOD KITTY!I'M A GOOD KITTY!"

AND WHEN JIM AND MARY WALKEDTHROUGH THE DOOR I WENT--

(hisses)

AND I MADE MARY CRY,AND IT MADE ME FEEL GREAT!

THAT'S ALL I GOTTA SAY.THANKS A LOT, FOLKS!

Loading...