don't smellI'm like, anything, I don't knoÁand
then every once and a while like"Carboni!" "Go!"
"Carboni! Pete!" "Pleasejust go!"
Do you guys have that friendthat everybody has and as soon as they start
dating somebody they just arenot your friend anymore they
just disappear into therelationship. So I had this
friend Pete, ok, Pete Carboni.he gets like that. When Pete
Carboni has a girlfriend he'sa no-call-returningmotherfucker,
like you can just call himtwenty times you won't get
anything back so he was datingthis girl once named Kelly and
we didn't talk for like a yearand at some point you're like
"Alright, I'll fucking hangout when you break up, see you
in eight months." You know, youjust know at some point,
that's their pattern. So Petecalled me one day and he goes
"Hey Ari, listen I broke upwith Kelly." And i was like,
"Fuck yeah, man.congratulations." And he goes
"Listen", he owned up to ithe goes "Lsten, I've been a
bad friend and I'm sorry. AndI want to make it up to you so I
got some mushrooms so I think weshould do these mushrooms to
rekindle our friendship. And Iwas like "Dude, Pete, you
don't have to do that man,I'm just happy to have you
back in my life. Just to haveyou around again is good enough,
but I will be there in fourminutes because let's do these
mushrooms. I had never donethem before, have you guys ever
done them before by round ofapplause? (cheers) Ok, cool a
few of you have. At the time Ihad never done them so I was
worried, we didn't know likehow long it would take to kick
in, none of this stuff. So weasked our drug dealer cause
that's what you're supposedto do. Always ask your drug
dealer for advice they have avested interest in keeping you
safe. They want you to come backand our drug dealer said it
would take thirty minutes tokick in so we were like perfect,
here's what we're gonna do.We're going to take these
mushrooms, we're going to goto the Third Street Promenadein
Santa Monica where there's nocars and we can walk around and
have a great time. So we tookthem, we drove to the Third
Street Promenade. It's like afive minute drive from his
house. Anyways, maybe threeminutes on the way, this carpassed us,
just this other car on a twolane street just passed us and
we laughed so hard at that. Wewere just like "dude
(indistinctÓ and at one pointone of us was like. "wait this
doesn't seem that funny" andwe're like "yeah it's not
that funny- ohhh we're onmushrooms, we're tripping out
right now, they've kicked in.Way too early. Why did we trust
our drug dealer?" So we'relike we have to parkimmediately.
So we're driving to a freeparking lot but right then we
passed a five dollar parking lotand he was like "We should
pull over here." And I waslike "yes, we should." buteven on
mushrooms my judaism does notleave me. Free, exactly, is
always less money than somemoney. So we thought better be
safe than sorry, let's go tothis free parking lot. We got
maybe two blocks of the sixblocks we had left and I looked
over and we were in traffic andI looked over and saw a tree in
the sidewalk on the other sideof the street and I thought
"man that tree needs somefriends. And if he was born in
the forest he'd have tons offriends. but he wasn't he was
born in the fucking sidewalk,and he's got nobody" and I
turned to pete and I'm like"Hey man you thinking what
I'm thinking?" and he waslike. "wait, what, no!
There's like a billionthoughts you could have, I'm
definitely not thinking whatyou're thinking. The odds
of that are just crazy, it'smind blowing, for instance,
I'm thinking we should go hugthat tree." "That's
exactly what I was thinking!that's the exact thing!" But
he's like "ok, but let'snot get out here because if we
get out in the middle of streetit will be weird that we're
just abandoning our car in themiddle lane, so i was like
"cool let's go to the freeparking lot" so we went to the
free parking lot, forgot aboutthe tree instantly, and as we
were leaving I took my phone andwas like, "should I have this
with me?" I didn't know whatmushrooms were, I had this
thought that if somebody, likethe wrong person texted me I was
going to freak out. Like if mymom texted me I'd just be like
"ah, you know!" and fuckingchuck my phone. So I just left
it in the car. I didn't wantto deal with it, That doesn't
happen, you shouldn't leaveyour phone in the car, but
that's not what happened. Sowe got out, went to the Third
Street Promenade. Now, the ThirdStreet Promenade, if you
haven't been there, is full offamilies. You feel like a real
degenerate. You're like"I'm on mushrooms, and
that's a four year old." Sowe both felt kinda weird and
were just like "let's getout of here, let's go see a
movie." So we sat down, got abunch of popcorn, sat down in
this movie theatre and we werelike "This is going to be
awesome" and then the Brunotrailer came on and man we
laughed so hard. People areworried about mushrooms but you
just laugh, we laughed. We justlaughed for the first half of
that preview. And then PeteCarboni, he just starts rustling
with his jacket, he has hisjacket on, he just starts
rustling with it like this overand over again. And I'm over
here looking at him and I'mlike, I don't want to say
anything, but he's been doingthat for a while. And then all
of a sudden he just stands upand he just walks out. And I was
like "fuck yeah, Pete'sfeeling it." So I enjoyed the
rest of the preview myself, itwas amazing. Movie started, Pete
didn't come back, and I waslike "Where the fuck is he, I
thought he went to the bathroomor something. I was like, "I
should go check for him, but Idon't wanna miss this movie,
it's pretty amazingalready." And, to tell you
what happened to Pete Carboni,ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pete
Carboni, everybody let him hearit.
So it was about halfwaythrough the trailer...
To the movie Bruno
that I startedto feel sadder
than I've ever feltin my life before.
I think what wasgoing through my mind is,
I was laughingat the trailer.
I found it really funny,and I was like,
"Yeah, this guy Sacha BaronCohen's a really funny dude.
He's doing really wellin his career," you know?
And then I started to thinkof my own career as a comedian,
and I started to geta little bit sad.
And that thought justspiraled me
and propelled meout of that room.
I had that feelingthat you have,
like, right before you're aboutto cry hysterically.
I mean, am I right, fellas?Yeah?
And I was in a dark placein my life.
I'd just gotten out of thison-again, off-again
embattled relationshipwith this girl Kelly.
And Kelly would usethe off-again portion
of our relationship
to have sexwith some of my friends.
Yes, and this wouldoften inspire me
to take her back again,you know,
to stop thatfrom happening,
which would make usmore embattled, you know?
Which would make mebreak up with her.
The whole thing--it's whatan economist might call
a vicious cycle.
So I--like, I got to getout of here.
I'm just notin a good place.
So I jump into a cab,and I say, "551 Sawtelle,"
and the guy must havemisheard me.
So he turned around,
and he was like,"Uh, which hotel?"
I think I would be able toresolve this misunderstanding.
But in the condition I was in,all I could think to do was,
I pointed in the directionof my apartment,
and I just was like, "Go!
Ari: So I thought I should goout and see if Pete Carboni is
in the lobby. And I also hadthis other problem where Ibecame
positive that I had peed mypants. And it's dark in a movietheatre
and I couldn't see so I was justtrying to feel for it, just likethis
in the fucking begining ofpublic enemies. Looking at other
people just like "no, it's notwhat you think, I just"
Like, they'll never understand.I just pissed myself and I justwanted to check.
It's not what you think, it'snothing bad. And I couldn't feelany liquid and I was like
alright maybe I didn't peemyself. And I was like you knowwhat, here's what I'll do,
I'll go outside, in the lobby inthe light and see if I have apee stain, and that's
how I'll find Carboni if he'sout there.
Pete: Please, just go!"
And so the guy just startsdriving in that direction,
and I'm like,"Okay, I'm on my way home,"
and then we gotto a stop sign.
And it's a weird thing.
When you're on mushrooms,
it messes with your senseof time, you know?
So it felt like I was at thisstop sign for, like, a year.
It felt awful.
And so I couldn't help my--and I just start going,
Please go!Just go!"
And then the guywould drive faster,
and then he'd getto the next stoplight sooner.
And then I'd yell "go" again.
I mean, this is anothervicious cycle
I found myself in.
So I got out of the cab.I told him to stop, got out.
And I gave him 100 bucks.
And then I turned,and I just started running.
And I was running downBundy Avenue,
which if you don't know isbasically a four-lane highway.
And it's probably too bigof a street to be running down,
dressed like this,
as fast as you can
while you're cryinghysterically,
Ari: So I went outside, Ilooked, I didn't see him rightaway.
I was like "Oh, let' me check mypee stain." I looked, I didn'tsee a stain
I was like "Oh, fuck yeah. MaybeI didn't pee myself at all."
But then I was like, "wait, whatif I peed, so much, that theentire thing
is just one big pee stain."
Pete: as I'm running,I notice ahead of me
a hole, like,in a fence.
And so my instinct is just to gothrough this hole in the fence.
So I just jumped--I sort of slide through,
and I wind up in,like, this suburban backyard.
And there's some dudewho's, like,
reading a paperon his back porch
as I come inin my sad state.
And I was like, "I'm just...
I'm gonna trythe honesty approach."
I walk up to the guy.
I'm like,"Uh, excuse me, sir?
"I'm very sorry,but I'm feeling very sick.
Do you think that maybeyou could drive me home?"
And shockingly,this guy says yes.
Ari: So I'm out in the lobby ofthe Loews going like this just
trying to fucking smell.
Pete: And we got in his car,and, you know,
he starts driving,but then he gets to a stop sign.
And I'm just out of control.
I'm like,"Man, just go!
Ari: I'm like "I don't smellanything. I don't know."
And then every once and a whilejust like "Carboni!"
And then I was like "alright Ishould go find him. I don't knowwhere he is.
but I should find him. But I waslike wait what if he comes backhere, let's just
make the movies the home base.So I watched the movie and everyfew minutes I was like
"Where the fuck is Pete".
Until finally I felt so bad.I'm just like, this degenerate.
Doing mushrooms on a Mondaymorning.
And I jump out of his car,and I throw $200 at him.
And he--he says to me.
He's like, "Man, I justdrove you, like, five blocks.
It's really"--And I was like, "Just take it!"
And thenI just started running.
And I ranall the way home.
And when I got home, I startedto feel a little bit lonely,
and I started to rethink thingswith Kelly, you know?
It's like,you know, yeah,
she slept with a fewof my friends.
Maybe I canjust take that as,
she finds my friendsreally charming and attractive.
In a way,that's like a compliment.
Ari: At the end of the movieeverybody stood up to leave
and I saw this kid, this 18 yearold kid. He was with hisgrandparents and they stood up
and they were discussing themovie they just saw,
and it was so beautiful.
So I called her,and I asked her to come over,
Ari: I was overcome withemotion.
I was like, this kid is stillspending time with hisgrandparents
that's so fucking wonderful.
And when she got there,I begged her to take me back,
and she did.
I was almost like getting chokedup, I was like "my grandparents
are all gone, I'll never get achance to see public enemieswith them."
Pete: And then I kissed her, sopassionately.
As so many of my friends haddone before me.
Ari: But anyway, I pick up thephone and call Pete.
And then my phone rang,
and it was Ari.
I was like, "Oh, yeah.That's right.
"Like, we were supposed to bedoing mushrooms today
"to rekindleour friendship
because I've beensuch a bad friend."
And, Ari, do you rememberwhat you said?
(Ari)Yeah, I was worried about you.
So I was like--I was like,"Hey, are you okay?"
Yeah, and I thoughthe was gonna attack me,
which would've beenthe right thing to do.
And then I was like,"You know"--
I don't knowhow to tell him this,
so I was like, "Yeah, I'm good.I'm good.
I'm here with Kelly."
Yeah, I forgotabout that.
You were like,"I'm here with Kelly.
We got back together,"but I was like...
"All right, well,at least you're all right."
(Pete)Yeah, he wasa good sport about it.
And then you--not only that,then he says to me.
He's like, "Hey, man,I just want to let you know
that I love you."
I was really concernedfor you.
Yeah, and I was, like,overwhelmed with--
I was like--That was so nice of you.
- Yeah.- Yeah.
I wouldn't have beenthat way.
Let me ask youa question.
Why--why did you have$300 on you?
[laughter and applause]
I think I figured thatI was doing something
sort of adventurousthat, like,
I should probably bringemergency funds.
- You know?- No, it's--
Just to be safe.
You don't need emergency fundsfor a mushroom trip.
Oh, yeah,but didn't I need them?
Wouldn't you saythat I needed them?
Yeah, you're right.You're right, you did.
And I'm gladyou're safe, man.
I'm glad you're safeas well.
Thanks.Pete Carboni, everybody.