- A knock on the door.I open it. It's the cops.
And I'm like,oh, no, thank you.
[dark electronic music]
- Good afternoon,ladies and gentlemen.
I hope you're all havinga wonderful day.
This is what's known asa robbery.
Do not move.Do not speak.
[cheers and applause]
- One of my favoritecomics to watch.
You guys willabsolutely love her.
Give it up for Ms. LizaTreyger, you guys.
Let her hear it.
[cheers and applause]
- My story is abouta time in my life
where I was just a dumb bitch
who couldn't stop gettingarrested.
I just wanted to be in jail allthe time.
So the story starts
at Iowa State University,
where I went to follow my one
true passion in life,advertising.
So I show up as a fresh-facedteen just being like,
I'm gonna make commercials.
I hated everybody.
I did not fit in at all.
They made me live inan agriculture dorm,
so it was just, like,all these girls
who had picturesof their farm animals
that were their friends,that they, like,
won contests with and then atelater in the evening,
um, at a restaurantcalled the Machine Shed.
So, uh, I didn'tget along with them.
I just didn't connectwith anybody.
Like, on my 18th birthdayin college, I had no friends,
so I just went and gotmy nipples pierced,
'cause I thought, like,this is a way to, like,
commemorate the time,but, like, that--
that is how lonely I was,that I just
went alone, and was just like,yeah, pierce 'em, dude.
And then I triedto fuck that guy.
It didn't work out.He liked Jesus.
Um...but I tried.
He, like, looked kind of tough.
And, so, I was lonely.I didn't have friends.
Like, my number-one hobbybecame racquetball.
And...[laughs], like,I don't want to do that.
Um, I'm likea 50-year-old Asian.
I was the treasurerof the Jew club--
like, nothing was reallyhappening.
Like, I couldn't find a friend.
I couldn't find a passion.
And so I just, like, starteddrinking a lot.
And obviously, that's whateveryone does in college,
but--yeah, I just gotblacked-out constantly,
all the time,and then this one night,
my friend, uh, she was havingsome friends over.
I remember hooking up withsomeone in her bed,
and then I hada bump on my head,
but I don't remember how,and then I just
took a nap on the couch.
And my friends all knew that Iloved drinking and driving,
so they hid my car keys,so I went--I know.
People are, like, reallyanti-drinking and driving,
but this was, like, ten yearsago, so...
You all got silent.
Who has DUIs here?How many of you?
- Yee.- Whoo.
- Yeah, okay. Um...
Hey, guys. Um...
But yeah, it was just, like,a fun thing to do,
so, like, I rummaged around,I found the keys,
and I went drinking and driving.
And--but, I was driving to my house,
and then I was like,
I could--I was justright by my house,
and then I was like,I want Burger King.
So I kept driving.
And two blocks from my house,
I get pulled over,and I just act like
the dumb white bitch I am, andI'm just like,
I know my rights.I have a lawyer.
Like, calling my dad and beinglike, I'm not drunk,
but, like--yeah, it's a problem.
So they take me to jail.
They put me in the drunk tank,which I'm kind of into,
'cause I love the aquarium, andI felt like I was in one,
so I was, like, okay with it.
And I did feelreally bad about myself.
Drunk driving sucks.You can kill--
like, it was really anembarrassing,
sad time in my life, and I waslike, things need to change.
I need to becomea better person.
So I went to A.A., and then Iwas like, oh, I'm better
than everyone here, so...
So I never went back to A.A.
But, you know,I was, like, "Depressed."
And, you know, just, like,really introspective.
I probably readsome books or two.
And I was reallytrying hard to be sober
and not be, like, a wild gal,
and my friend Shannonat the time,
she had a lot of problems too.
She was trying to be sober--now we all know
it's because she is a lesbian,
and she was, like,hiding her true self.
You know what I mean?So, like--
but we all should have known.
She had this ponytailthat was, like,
gelled really tight, like,right in the middle of the head.
Like, no casual girlloves soccer that much.
So, we should have known, but,
so she was havingweird problems,
like, figuring herself out.
I, obviously, was notin the right place in life,
but wasn't mature enoughto be like,
I need to get out of here.
And she called me one day--
this was three weeks after thefirst arrest--
and she went, "Hey, do you wantto have a sober night out,
and we'll goto the gymnastics meet?"
We had an amazinggymnastics team,
and I was like, "Absolutely."
So we--I went to her dorm room,
and before we went to thegymnastics meet, she went,
"I mean, we shouldhave one drink."
I was like, yes, yes.
So, the next thing I know, thebottle of Parrot Bay is gone,
and I'm not sure what kindof liquor it is,
but it's clear, and there'sa fun bird on it.
We drank it, and--
and then I just remember usjust wanting more,
and so, like, we're walking
through the girls'side of the dorm,
just, like, getting as muchbooze as we can.
And then I remember my crushon this Woodsy boy.
Like, he livedin the dorm as well.
So I was like,we got to visit Woodsy.
And so, we, um--
so, we go to his dorm,and this is the thing:
like, I was pretty drunk,so I don't remember
the exact details,but I just remember
everyone's faceof disappointment.
Like, nobody wanted us there.
And we were just like,you know,
just classic drunk girls.
A lot of leaningand complimenting.
Next thing I know,
Shannon is bleeding.
Full-on, all the way,all--both her wrists.
Just blood everywhere.
And because I knew she wasdepressed, I'm like,
clearly, she's tryingto kill herself.
So I start running up and downthe dorms just like,
Shannon's tryingto kill herself.
She's committing suicide.
Call the police.
But she wasn't tryingto kill herself.
She was just having a good timepunching through
the fire extinguisher glass, so,like, my bad.
Just a goof, you know.
So we get back to the dorms,we clean her off,
she's laying, life goes on.
A knock on the door, I open it,it's the cops,
and I'm like,oh, no, thank you.
So I just closed the door intheir face, but it's, like,
flimsy dorm doors, so they'reable to come in easily,
and I just start shovingthese--I'm just like,
no, thank you, you know?
Just like, nope, no, justas--all my might.
You're like, "Yeah, thankgoodness you're white.
You know, who would notbe here today."
And I feel the same way.
And so I'm justshoving these guys.
I'm elbowing them.They finally, like,
get me into the hallway and gointo the dorm to help Shannon.
And I just start screaming.
Kick 'em.Kick 'em. Kick 'em.
So she's kicking these cops.
And I'm screaming in thehallway, and I'm sure the cops
were like,we're trying to help a girl
trying to kill herself,you know?
Like, what is happ--like,I'm sure they're like,
"Oh, we're doing the Lord'swork" or whatever.
Someone's trying tokill themselves, and these
bitches are just yelling,kicking, and shoving them.
So the cops are actually very,very nice to me,
and they're like, "Hey, we knowyou're having a wild night.
"It's fine.Just call a friend
"if you have any sober friendsto pick you up.
You don't have to go to jail."
But it's the middle of Iowaon a weekend.
No one's fucking sober, okay?
Like, what are you talk--there'shorses on the campus.
We're bored, okay?There' nothing to do.
So none of my friends weresober, so I had to go to jail.
And as soon as I figurethat out, I just--
instead of being like,oh, please, please, please,
I went, if you were smart,you'd be a detective.
You should've gone to college,you hillbilly trash.
You just couldn't, like,
graduate from high school,you losers.
So they handcuff mepretty tight,
and then to really, like,stick it to them,
I went limp, and, um,
they had to drag meinto the police car.
And they took Shannonoff to the hospital.
And I got--I'm in jail again,
and then I wake upin the middle of the night.
Shannon is in jail.
Shannon, why are you in jail?
Um, she was throwing bedpansat people at the hospital.
So, now we're both in jail.
My sister, you know, back homein Skokie,
finds out about this--you know, I call her.
Her and her husband drive tenhours in a blizzard to Iowa
to bail me out of jail, andthey're like,
"You clearly don't know how tolive on your own,
so you're dropping--we're takingyou home."
And then they got me a Big Mac,so full circle.
I finally got my cheeseburgerat the end, you know?
But, uh, so we go back home,
and then I followed my next true
passion in life: data entry.
[sighs]It was so depressing.
Um, so I was workingin data entry,
and I got a really bad haircutwith layers,
with blonde hair,and they over-texturized it,
so that's upsetting.
And then I was living at myparents' house
and just so sad, so I just,like, I didn't learn my ways.
I just kept drinking so much,
and I just kept beinga menace to society.
And then it was the White Sox'shome opener.
And this is the year afterthey won the World Series,
so this was an exciting day.
And when they wentto the World Series, I got
acrylic black nails that said"White Sox"
in white letterswith diamonds on 'em,
so, like, you can imagine.
And so--so we are pumped.
It's my friend's 21st birthday.
We are goingto the White Sox game.
This is a whole new life--we'reback in Chicago, you know?
And I got arrested third inning.
I know you're all...
You're all wondering, "Oh, myGod.
What did you do to getarrested?"
I don't know.
No idea--all I remember
is the same facesof disappointment
as the party and the dorm room,and just like, everywhere.
And so as I came to from myblackout, they let me out
on my own recognizance--
which...[sighs], no--I was so drunk.
And all I could remember was myfriend's address,
and she lived at 420 [bleep].
I got in the cab, and I went,take me to 420 [bleep], sir.
And so we went to 420 [bleep],and--oh, I'm sorry.
This is so embarrassing.I didn't pay him, okay?
I just ran away,and so...
I--I was, like, grapplingwhether to be honest or not,
but we're here, so I didn't--I ran away, and--
and I get to my friend's house,
and they whole time I'mthinking, like,
oh, I'm gonna get so muchsympathy.
Oh, I'm so sad.I keep getting arrested.
Poor me.I'm a--mrr--menace, you know?
And she's midway through anabortion pill, so--
yeah, gasps, um, but...
Some of you don't know--you canhave at-home abortions.
So, she's midway throughan abortion, and, um,
so then I had to give herattention.
What a cunt. Um...
But, you know, and I haven'tbeen to jail since,
so it's been 11 years.
Yeah, and I guess the lesson ofthis truly is,
no matter how bad life gets,just know that someone's at home
in the middle of an abortion, soit could be worse.
All right, thanks so much,you guys.