John Mulaney - High School Party

01/28/12 Views: 57,515

If you are an a**hole, John Mulaney advises you to never leave your house unattended. (2:11)

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THIS ONE HAPPENED

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

WE HAD THIS TEACHERIN HIGH SCHOOL

WHOSE KID WENTTO OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

HIS NAME WAS MR. MCNAMARAAND HIS SON JAKE MCNAMARA

WENT TO OUR HIGH SCHOOL.

HE WAS A SOPHOMOREWHEN I WAS A SENIOR.

SO HE WAS TWO YEARSBEHIND ME.

AND MR. MCNAMARAWAS AN ASS[bleep].

AND ONE WEEKEND,HE AND HIS WIFE

DECIDED TO LEAVE TOWN,

WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER DOIF YOU'RE AN ASS[bleep].

AND JAKE MCNAMARADECIDED TO THROW A PARTY

AT THE TEACHER'S HOUSE.HOORAY!

AND EVERYONE AROUND TOWNHEARD ABOUT IT

AND WE ALL GOT UP INDIVIDUALLYAND THOUGHT,

"OKAY, LET'S GO OVER THEREAND DESTROY THE PLACE."

I WALKED INTO THIS PARTY.

EVERYONE I HAD EVER METWAS THERE.

AND EVERYONE WAS DRINKING LIKEIT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD.

PEOPLE WERE DRINKING LIKEIT WAS THE CIVIL WAR

AND A DOCTOR WAS COMINGTO SAW OUR LEGS OFF.

IT WAS TOTALLY UNSUPERVISED.

WE WERE LIKE DOGSWITHOUT HORSES.

WE WERE RUNNING WILD.

I WALKED DOWN--

I WALKED DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

THEY HAD A POOL TABLEIN THE BASEMENT.

ONE DUDE TOOK A RUNNING START

AND THREW HIS BODY ONTOTHE POOL TABLE

AND BROKE IT IN HALF.

ANOTHER KID FOUND OUTWHICH ROOM WAS MR. MCNAMARA'S

AND WENT UPSTAIRS AND TOOKA [bleep] ON HIS COMPUTER.

SO THE PARTY WAS GOING GREAT.

I'M STANDING IN THE BASEMENT,

AND I'M HOLDING A RED CUPYOU SEE IN MOVIES.

AND I'M STANDING THEREAND I'M HOLDING A RED CUP

AND I'M STARTING TO BLACK OUTAND I GUESS SOMEONE SAID LIKE

"SOMETHING SOMETHING POLICE."

AND IN A BRILLIANT MOMENTOF WORD ASSOCIATION,

I YELLED "[bleep] DA POLICE!

[bleep] DA POLICE!"

AND EVERYONE ELSE JOINED IN.

100 DRUNK WHITE CHILDREN

YELLING"[bleep]...DA...PO-LICE"

WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF GUYSWHO HAVE ALREADY BEEN TO JAIL

AND AREN'T AFRAID OF ITANYMORE.

YOU KNOW THAT LIKE"I SERVED MY NICKEL!

YOU COME AND TAKE ME"CONFIDENCE.

BUT WHITE CHILDREN.

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