Craig Shoemaker - Family Dog

  • Season 9, Ep 19
  • 06/16/2005
  • Views: 5,537

Craig's wife has a different reaction to his dog's balls. (2:33)

Craig Shoemaker: HERE'S ONE

FOR YOU FELLAS, RAISE YOUR HAND

IF THIS IS TRUE.

IF YOUR FAMILY DOG FITS IN YOUR

GLOVE COMPARTMENT...

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT KIND YOU HAVE?

Man: CHIHUAHUA.

Craig Shoemaker: CHIHUAHUA.

FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF,

ARE YA?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE, DENTAL FLOSS

FOR A LEASH?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S ALL RIGHT I HAD A DOG

HALF PIT BULL HALF POODLE.

NOT MUCH OF A GUARD DOG,

[LISP] BUT A VISCOUS GOSSIP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

CHIHUAHUA.

ACTUALLY I HAVE A DACHSHUND

AND MY WIFE BROUGHT IT INTO

THE MARRIAGE, MY STEP DOG.

[LAUGHTER]

AS IF IT WASN'T SO BAD DRIVING

A MINI VAN, NOW I'M WALKING A

WIENER DOG.

AND SHE FEEDS IT TOO MUCH IT'S

LIKE KIELBASA I'M WALKING DOWN

THE STREET.

IT'S GOT THIS BIG GUT DRAGGING

ON THE GROUND.

"GET ME OFF THE CEMENT,

THIS HURTS!"

[LAUGHTER]

"LOOK OUT FOR THAT SPEED BUMP!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

GOT STUCK ON A SPEED BUMP,

THIS BIG FAT SAUSAGE.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A DACHSHUND?

APPLAUD IF YOU HAVE A DACHSHUND?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAN YOU VERIFY LOUDLY FOR THE

CROWD, YES OR NO, DOES YOUR DOG

BURROW UNDER THE COVERS?

YES, EVERY DACHSHUND DOES IT.

THE DOG SLEEPS WITH US.

THERE'S ME MY WIFE AND U-BOAT

COMMANDER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY DO IT CAUSE THEY'RE

TRAINED IN HISTORY TO BURROW

UNDER THE GROUND TO HUNT FOR

BADGERS.

I SLEEP IN THE NUDE!

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, HEY, HEY, THAT'S NO BADGER

YOU'RE DIGGING FOR THERE!"

"YOU JUST MET YOUR DADDY."

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WASN'T

USED TO IT AT FIRST,

I ROLLED OVER, I'M HALF ASLEEP,

ALL OF A SUDDEN A WET NOSE IS

UP MY ASS.

"WHOA HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

BACK THERE?

WHAT'S YOU READ A COSMO ARTICLE,

I DON'T GO FOR THAT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I'M A SOLUTION GUY,

CHIHUAHUA MAN.

THIS IS WHAT I DID, I WENT OUT

AND I GOT A DOG.

I GOT A MALE DOG FOR OUR HOUSE.

IT'S TOO FEMINIZED.

I'M GOING TO GET A MALE DOG.

I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE.

JUSTIN AND I SAID, "COME ON,

LET'S GO GET A DOG."

WE WENT TO THE POUND TO RESCUE

A DOG.

AND I'M LOOKING FOR, YA KNOW

A REAL MALE DOG.

AND THERE HE WAS, IT'S LIKE HE

WAS AUDITIONING, "HEY PICK ME,

I'M A MALE DOG, I GOT BIG BALLS,

LOOK AT THESE BALLS!

BIG, BIG BALLS, I'M FOR YOU,

I GOT BIG MALE BALLS!"

[LAUGHTER]

I GO, "HE'S FOR US."

WE SIGNED HIM OUT, I SWEAR

THIS IS TRUE, INTRODUCE HIM

TO CAROLINE, SHE TAKES HIM RIGHT

TO THE VET, GETS HIS NUTS

CUT OFF.

[LAUGHTER AND MOANS]

THE DOG IS LOOKING AT US GOING,

"THIS IS A RESCUE?"

"I'D RATHER BE ON DEATH ROW

LOOKING AT MY OWN NUTS."

POOR DOG.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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