Tommy Johnagin - Good Marriage

South Beach Comedy Festival 2008 Season 1, Ep 2 01/28/2008 Views: 4,261

If we have a successful marriage, that means one of us will get to watch the other die. (1:43)

-Successful marriagemeans one of us

is going to get towatch the other one die.


And I know it's weird whenyou put it into words,

but that's what it means, ma'am.

It's not a good marriageunless someday one of us

is standing over theother one's dead body,

shaking hands, crying,thinking we did it!

We-- we win.

He's dead.

Where's my prize?

That's a good marriage.

If you're lucky,it ends that way.

If you're unlucky, you'vegot to get divorced and have

sex with a lot of other people.

And yuck, you know?

Who wants that?


Is she the one?

I love her to death,but no, she's not.

She's one of the ones, andthat's good enough, right?

There's a lot of ones out there.

There's 6 billionpeople on Earth.

I'm supposed to thinkthere's one person for me?

Wow, hope she lives near me.

What if she lives in Bangladesh?


I bought her a reallyexpensive engagement ring.

One of the reasons is I liketo look at other engaged women

and be like, oh,somebody loves you less.

Maybe if you pick up abroom every once in a while,

you get a diamond I couldsee from across the room.

We did, uh-- we did have asmooth relationship, totally.

We did break upfor a little bit.

We lived together.

She moved out while I wason the road, so I come home,

she's gone.

I open the door,my first thought

is I didn't even haveto help her move.

That's pretty sweet.


She took all the curtainsand the toilet paper,

which seem unrelatedon the surface

until I found myselfin the bathroom one day

realizing I had notoilet paper, quickly

realizing I had no curtains.

And I got to go througha pantless adventure

through my apartmentdoing a belly crawl

against the hardwoodfloor, looking

for a napkin or a notepador a kitten, just something.


Preferably declawed.

Something to hook me up.