I'm 36 years old, and I realize that
age ain't nothingbut a number,
but it also a very accuratebarometer of how old you are.
And 36 is one of the firsttruly disappointing ages.
You know, even marketing peoplerealize that
'cause they've divided our livesinto three main bits.
It's like zero to 18,and they're kids,
and they likebrightly-colored things.
And then there's 18 to 34,
and they're the key demographic,
'cause they're the peoplewho fall in love
and feel emotion and take risks
and appreciate technology.
And there's just 35 to death,
and we like Michael Bublé
and going on cruises.
It's just thatyou never hear of...
You never hear of 36-year-olds
doing anythingparticularly innovative.
You know, on the news,it's always,
"This seven-year-oldhas invented the Internet
But for 36-year-olds,it's always something
much more bleak than that.
It's always, "The suspect, 36,
exposed himself to the mournersin the pet cemetery."
I realize 36isn't particularly old.
If you're 40, you're going,like, 36 is nothing.
Yeah, but in the same way
that when you were 18,
you'd look at 21-year-old girlsand be like, "Ugh,
I'd never kiss oneof those haggard old wenches."
It's about context, really.
You just have to make peace
with the fact that you're gonnahave different interests
to 20-year-oldsfor the rest of your life.
There's nothing sadderthan doing comedy shows
with 36-year-old comedians
who think they still knowwhat the kids like.
Like, "Woo!I know what you're into:
"fax machines and Ninja Turtles.
I waste a lot of my lifelooking at the Internet.
I recently finishedthe Internet.
I don't knowif you've ever done that,
but a picture of Bill Gates
comes up like that,
and you get to enteryour initials.
I think because biologically, atmy age, I should have a child,
and because I don't,I've just adopted the Internet
as some sort of surrogate child.
And like a child, it sort of
give me cuteness in return.
It's like, "Look, Daddy,a piglet in wellingtons."
And I'm like, "Oh, Internet,you are so cute."
And it just draws meinto its vortex of time.
You'll be like,"You better check your e-mail."
"Oh, I better check my e-mail."
"Better check your old e-mail,even though
no one ever e-mails you on it.""Oh, I better look at that."
"Better look at the news.""Better look at..."
"Better look at internationalnews as well,
in case the Irish news is makingit all up again."
"Oh, better do that.""Better look at eBay
"and see if there's tinykeyboards for sale.
(groans) "Better lookat dogsindistress.com,
even though I couldn'tpossibly foster a puppy."
And then somehow,it's three hours later,
and I'm lying on the floorof my bedroom,
looking at No Doubt videosfrom 1996.
"It's true, she is just a girlin the world."