Paul Mecurio - Double Life

CC Presents: Paul Mercurio Season 8, Ep 23 05/20/2004 Views: 4,483

Try not to get high on career day. (2:12)

Paul Mercurio: NO MONEY.

IT HAUNTS ME.

AND THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN

NOT HAVING ANY MONEY IS HAVING

HAD SOME MONEY AND THEN NOT

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW?

RIGHT?

THAT WOMAN, YOU KNOW.

RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND THAT'S MY STORY, SEE--

I WAS A LAWYER.

[LAUGHTER]

SCREW YOU.

I WAS A LAWYER.

STOP LAUGHING AT ME.

LOOK, IT'S RIGHT HERE.

LOOK, THERE'S THE THING,

AND THE LADY AND EVERYTHING.

LOOK, WITH WHATEVER THEY CALL

IT-- THE LADY AND THE ESQUIRE.

I DID THE WALL STREET LAW.

I WORKED FOR A BIG WALL STREET

FIRM.

AND I DID MERGERS AND

ACQUISITIONS LAW.

I MEAN, HERE'S THE WHOLE STORY.

READY?

I WAS A LAWYER, A COMIC,

A FURNITURE SALESMAN, THEN A

COMIC.

HERE'S A TIP FOR YOU KID'S OUT

THERE.

TRY NOT TO GET HIGH ON CAREER

DAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S HOW IT ALL STARTED.

I'M DOING WALL STREET LAW.

START DOING COMEDY AT NIGHT.

I LIVED A SECRET, DOUBLE LIFE.

I SWEAR.

I JUMP IN A CAB.

I TAKE MY SUIT COAT OFF.

I TAKE OFF MY TIE.

I MESS UP MY HAIR.

I TRY TO LOOK AS DOWNTOWN AS

I COULD.

AND I CRUISE AROUND TO DIVE

BARS IN NEW YORK CITY TO DO

OPEN MIKE NIGHTS.

THE WORST PLACES IN THE CITY.

ONE PLACE IN THE BOWERY I

WORKED, IT WAS CALLED DOWNTOWN

BEIRUT II.

[LAUGHTER]

"II"!

NOW THEY WERE EITHER

FRANCHISING THESE HELLHOLES,

OR ISRAELI FIGHTERS TOOK OUT

ONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND BASICALLY, YOU HAD TO HAVE

COME BACK LINES FOR DRUNK

HECKLERS.

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS ALL ABOUT.

SURVIVAL.

COME BACK LINES.

AND I GOT GOOD AT IT.

REALLY GOOD AT IT.

REALLY GOOD AT IT.

SO, ONE DAY THERE'S A BIG

MEETING AT THE LAW FIRM.

[LAUGHTER]

HUGE CONFERENCE ROOM, A BUNCH

OF LAWYERS.

LAWYER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF

THE DEAL STANDS UP, AND IN

FRONT OF EVERYBODY, STARTS

CRITICIZING ME.

ME.

THIS DOCUMENT I HAD WRITTEN

WASN'T RIGHT.

WHAT WERE THE WORDS HE USED?

OH, YEAH, IT WAS ILLEGAL.

I DON'T KNOW WHATEVER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN HE SAID TO ME,

"I COULD HAVE DRAFTED A BETTER

DOCUMENT IN MY SLEEP."

AND I SAID, "WELL, I COULD HAVE

BEEN YOUR FATHER.

BUT THE DOG BEAT ME OVER THE

FENCE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]