Rusty Ward - Food Obsession

Season 7 , Ep 702 11/28/03 Views: 871

Vegetarians don't enjoy their food as much as meat eaters. (3:38)

TO SEE A BAND PLAY.

AND I FIND IT REALLY INTERESTING

THAT SOMEONE CAN PLAY KEYBOARD

OR GUITAR AND AUTOMATICALLY

BE VERY COOL.

BUT ONCE SOMEBODY STRAPS ON

A KEYBOARD GUITAR, IMMEDIATELY

THEY'RE A JACKASS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT A FRIEND.

HE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE OVERLY

AGGRESSIVE DOGS THAT'S

CONSTANTLY GNAWING AT PEOPLE'S

LIMBS FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

SEEMED TO THINK ARMS ARE JUST

MEATY CHEW TOYS HANGING FROM

PEOPLE'S SHOULDERS.

AND IT'S NEVER THE DOG'S FAULT.

GOD FORBID WE EVER APOLOGIZE

FOR THE DOG.

OH, HE'S JUST TEETHING.

NO, HE'S A 9 YEAR-OLD

ROTTWEILER.

HE'S ATTACKING.

NOW, HAND ME THE CATTLE PROD.

WERE YOU DOING ANYTHING?

I WAS EATING A POTATO CHIP.

YEAH, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

DOGS SHOULDN'T ATTACK PEOPLE,

UNLESS YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE

PEOPLE WHO LIKES TO DRESS DOGS

UP IN HUMAN CLOTHING.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEN I THINK YOUR DOG SHOULD BE

ALLOWED TO KILL YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE THAT ANNOY ME ARE PEOPLE

THAT HAVE THEIR DOCTORATE BUT

GET UPSET WHEN YOU CALL THEM

MISTER INSTEAD OF DOCTOR.

NOW, IF YOU'RE AN M.D.

OR NUCLEAR PHYSICIST I THINK

THAT'S FINE.

BUT SOME PEOPLE NO MATTER

HOW MANY YEARS THEY WENT

TO SCHOOL DON'T DESERVE TO BE

CALLED DOCTOR.

IF YOU HAVE YOUR PH.D.

IN PHYSICAL EDUCATION...

I DON'T CARE HOW MANY PAGES YOUR

THESIS ON THE SIT-UP WAS...

YOU'RE A GYM TEACHER.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DO WE STILL HAVE A MEAL

IN AMERICA CALLED BREAK-FAST?

WHO IS "FASTING" IN THIS

COUNTRY?

WE ARE THE FATTEST NATION

ON THE PLANET.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU KNOW WE'RE OBSESSED

WITH FOOD WHEN WE COME UP WITH

SOMETHING CALLED "COTTON CANDY".

WHO IS SO HUNGRY THEY THOUGHT

I WISH I COULD EAT MY CLOTHES?

[LAUGHTER]

I TRY TO EAT HEALTHIER.

I TRIED THE WHOLE VEGETARIAN

THING, BUT IT LASTED A VERY

SHORT TIME.

AND I THINK THE PROBLEM IS THAT

VEGETARIANS JUST DON'T ENJOY

THEIR FOOD AS MUCH AS MEAT

EATERS DO.

LIKE, YOU ASK A MEAT EATER WHAT

HE HAD FOR DINNER THE NIGHT

BEFORE, HE SAID I HAD A

BIG JUICY STEAK, BARELY FIT ON

THE PLATE.

THEN I WASHED IT DOWN WITH

A FEW BEERS, LAID DOWN, AND TOOK

A NAP.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU ASK A VEGETARIAN,

YOU NEVER HEAR, I HAD A

BRIGHT GREEN STALK OF

BROCCOLI...

BIG AS MY ARM...

THEN I WASHED IT DOWN WITH A FEW

SIPS OF SOYMILK, WENT OUTSIDE

AND BUILT A DAM.

THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT LATELY

ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH,

AND I'M THINKING WHEN I FINALLY

GO, WHEN MY TIME IS UP, I'D LIKE

TO BE CREMATED.

MOST PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE

CREMATED THEY WANT THEIR ASHES

RELEASED OVER THE OCEAN OR MAYBE

THE GRAVE OF A LOVED ONE.

I'D LIKE TO BE SPRINKLED OVER

THE FOOD OF SOMEONE I DON'T

LIKE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK IT'D BE THE ULTIMATE WAY

OF SAYING, "EAT ME".

[LAUGHTER]

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