Doug Stanhope - Stop Having Kids

  • Season 5 , Ep 13
  • 09/23/2001
  • Views: 6,773

Doug Stanhope doesn't want to sound like a prick, but he resents your children. (1:56)

NO.

IF YOU NEED A BABY THAT BAD,

GO DOWN TO THE POUND AND GET

ONE.

THERE'S MILLIONS OF...

NOT EVEN A BABY...

GO GET AN OLD MAN.

THERE'S UNWANTED PEOPLE OF ALL

AGES, PRE-MADE, WAITING FOR YOU.

DID YOU READ THE HEADLINE THIS

MORNING?

EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE,

THE POPULATION IN NEW YORK CITY,

IS NOW OVER EIGHT MILLION.

FOR THE FIRST TWO MILLION PEOPLE

COULD TONIGHT AND TRAFFIC WOULD

STILL SUCK IN THE MORNING.

STOP SPITTING OUT THE CHILDREN--

WE DON'T NEED--

I'M NOT TRYING TO SOUND LIKE

THAT MUCH OF A PRICK,

BUT I RESENT YOUR CHILDREN.

WHY IS IT THAT YOU HAVE KIDS

THAT NATURAL RESOURCES OF

THIS WORLD GET PISSED AWAY

LIKE DRAFT BEER AT A FRAT PARTY,

AND YOU HAVE KIDS AND YOU

BENEFIT AND IT'S AT MY EXPENSE.

WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR

SCHOOLS?

WHY DOES THAT COME OUT OF MY

TAX MONEY?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

I (BLEEP) IN A GIRLS HAIR OUT OF

RESPECT FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AND

MOTHER NATURE AND NOT ONLY DO I

HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR SCHOOL,

BUT I HAVE TO DRIVE PAST IT AT

15 MILES AN HOUR BECAUSE YOU'RE

NOT AROUND TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR

OWN CHILD.

WHY IS IT THAT I GET INTO A

TAXI CAB AT TWO THIRTY

IN THE MORNING, AND I WANNA

GO MOON SORORITY GIRLS BECAUSE

I'M DRUNK, AND I HAVE ISSUES

THAT GO YEARS BACK, BUT I CAN'T

EVEN MOON SORORITY GIRLS 'CAUSE

THE TAXICAB WINDOW GOES DOWN

HALFWAY, 'CAUSE IT'S A CHILD

SAFETY WINDOW.

WHICH COMPLETELY ECLIPSES

THE WHOLE HANGY, TURKEY NECK

PART OF THE MOON.

WHY EVEN MOON A SORORITY GIRL

IF THEY CAN'T SEE THE SWINGING

NUT PART OF IT?

BECAUSE YOU HAD TO HAVE

CHILDREN.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO MOW

YOUR OWN LAWN WHEN YOU'RE 50.

'CAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT

YOU'D LOOK LIKE IF YOU DIDN'T

EAT SO MUCH CAKE.

THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T GET

THE MUD-CAKED, NICARAGUAN KID

OFF THE TV COMMERCIAL BECAUSE

IF YOU GOT HIM AND HE DID

SOMETHING GREAT, YOU'D ONLY GET

HALF-CREDIT.

YEAH, IF HE HITS A HOME RUN IN

THE WORLD SERIES YOU'D GO,

THAT'S MY BOY.

KINDA.

(CHEERS

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