John Heffron - We Gotta Go, Girl

  • Season 8 , Ep 1
  • 01/29/2004
  • Views: 10,273

Girls don't leave their own behind. (2:54)

John Heffron: I DON'T KNOW HOW

GUYS GO TO BARS AND MEET WOMEN

BECAUSE A LOT OF YOUNGER GUYS

MAKE THIS MISTAKE.

EVERY TIME I GO TO A BAR AND SEE

A GIRL I'M ATTRACTED TO, THERE'S

ONE GIRL I HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

AND I LIKE TO CALL HER THE

"WE GOTTA GO" GIRL.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, EVERY GIRL HAS THE

"WE GOTTA GO" GIRL IN THE GROUP.

YOU KNOW WHAT, LADIES?

DON'T BRING HER WHEN YOU GO OUT

AT NIGHT!

OKAY?

BRING YOUR SLUTTY FRIENDS

WITH YA.

AND SEE, YOUNG GUYS MAKE THE

MISTAKE OF SEEING THE GIRL

THAT THEY LIKE, AND THAT'S

THE GIRL THAT THEY CHAT UP THE

ENTIRE NIGHT.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

YOU GOTTA FIND THE "WE GOTTA GO

GIRL" AND THAT'S THE ONE YOU

NEED TO BE POURING BOOZE DOWN

HER THROAT.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T BOX OUT HER FRIENDS.

YOU GOTTA WIN THE CROWD,

MAXIMUS.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THE WE-GOTTA-GO GIRL

IS THE GATEKEEPER.

[LAUGHTER]

THE YOUNG GUYS GOTTA REALIZE,

AT BARS, WOMEN ARE LIKE THE

MARINES.

THEY DON'T LEAVE ANYBODY BEHIND.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

FOUR GIRLS GO INTO A BAR.

FOUR GIRLS ARE LEAVING THAT BAR.

RIGHT?

THREE COULD BE IN THE PARKING

LOT.

"WAIT THE MINUTE!

WHERE'S KIM?"

"SHE'S INSIDE!

I'LL SAVE HER!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

[KICKING NOISE]

[LAUGHTER]

"HEY, WANNA DANCE?"

[WHACK]

[LAUGHTER]

"COME ON, KIM.

LET'S GO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

EVERY GUY'S BEEN IN THAT

SITUATION, TOO.

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO THE GIRL

YOU LIKE.

YOU PUT ABOUT THREE HOURS OF BAR

EQUITY INTO HER.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU HEAR LAST CALL, SO YOU KNOW

YOU GOTTA CALL A NO-HUDDLE

OFFENSE RIGHT THERE.

AND YOU START WORKING YOUR

MAGIC.

RIGHT AROUND THEN OUT OF THE

CORNER OF YOUR EYE YOU ALWAYS

SEE THE WE-GOTTA-GO GIRL COMING

AT YOU.

"NOOOOO!

WE'RE LEAVING."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN EVERY GIRL LOOKS

AT YOU, AND GOES, "UM, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

I THINK MY FRIENDS ARE LEAVING.

HOLD ON.

LET ME JUST SEE WHAT THEY'RE

DOING.

MAYBE I CAN HANG FOR YOU WITH A

LITTLE BIT."

MAN, THAT VOTE HAS NEVER GONE

MY WAY EVER.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ALWAYS WALK OVER THERE,

WALK BACK.

"YEAH.

SEE, I DIDN'T DRIVE.

SHE DROVE.

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DRIVE HOME

BY HERSELF.

AND HER CONTACTS ARE DRYING UP.

AND HER CONTACT SOLUTION IS IN

THE GLOVE BOX OF MY CAR,

WHICH IS AT HER HOUSE.

AND I HAVE TO WORK IN FOUR DAYS.

SO--

THANKS FOR THE BOOZE.

BYE-BYE."

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO START

A COMPANY.

[LAUGHTER]

CALLED THE THIRD WHEEL SHUTTLE

PICK-UP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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