And he tells me hemet the perfect woman.
I don't think I'll evermeet the perfect woman.
I might have to get me oneof them mail order women.
You can do that.
You send away tothe Philippines,
and they send you a wife.
You know how it is, onceyou're on the mailing list,
they keep sending you a relativea month, whether you want it
Even if you don'tlike, you know what?
Keep Uncle Bamboolyas our free gift.
Relationships are tough.
Man, they sayfighting is healthy.
Fighting with my lastgirlfriend was scary, man.
She had an evil temper.
She was half Italian and halfpterodactyl, or something.
She'd be on me so much, I didn'tunderstand the words anymore.
It was like, you'reout all night, mister.
You're out allnight doing comedy.
You're going to be late.You never call.
(BIRDLIKE) Call,call, call, call.
Whoa, I made her mad.
I'm sorry, honey,please, land, please.
So we broke up.
It was my fault we broke up.
See, I like the firstmonth of a relationship.
You know, like,when you're happy?
Because you're happythe first month.
You make thoseincoherent noises of joy,
like um, baby, baby, baby.
But inevitably, shesays something that
triggers the defensealarm in my head.
It's like Adam, I think it'stime we have a little talk.
Take us to DEFCON One.
What is that we're doing?
Are we dating?
Are we seeing each other?
Is it just sex?
Get the men in their holes.
This is not a drill.
See, I try in relationships.
I really do I askthem, what do you want?
Most women saythey want honesty.
What you fail torealize is male honesty
is only acceptableto other males.
Women won't tolerate it.
If a woman goes,well, how come you
were so romantic last night?
You can't say, ha, Iwas drunk last night.
When a woman asksyou a question,
she already has the answersshe wants in her head.
And it's up to us to hit it.
And it's strange.
It's not fair, becausethere's no partial credit.
It's not like it's an essayquestion that we can fake
our way through, likehow come you're late?
The concept of timeis an ancient one.
The Babylonians-- Youcan't get away with that.
But we do have a shot.
So like Ray Charlespicking out socks,
but it's a shot, because ifwe do hit it, we're amazed.
Well like, (SINGING) Ihad the right one, baby.
So now it's time toplay the bonus round.
She asked you a question.
How come you were late?
I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
What do we have for him, Johnny?
For answeringincorrectly, we have
24 hours of annoying silence.
Coupled with the irritatingsounds of disgust, like hm.
And of course, noquestions will be answered.
Did I do something wrong?
If you don't know, I'mnot going to tell you.
And we're shot after that.
See, women scare me.
They try and get too close.
If I was in a relationshipbefore we went to sleep,
I had to tell this womanwhat I was thinking so we
could dream aboutthe same thing.
I said, honey, you're reallynot going to like my dream.
I mean, you don't know anyof the other girls in there.
And you're really,you're not going to--
And she got mad.
She was like, you dreamabout another woman?
Ha, I dream aboutflocks of other women.
I've had naked GirlScouts feeding me cookies.
You want no part of this.
It's demented up here.
Run away, save yourself.
See, I look to nature,because I think
the animals aresmarter than we are.
See, animals mate, humans date.
There's no dating inthe animal kingdom.
No dinner, no movie, justa quick sniff-- all right,