Amy Schumer - Slutty Roommate

  • Season 14 , Ep 14
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 73,879

Amy Schumer thought the "freshman 15" was how many guys you were supposed to sleep with. (2:04)

I WATCH A LOT OF REALITY TV.I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU GUYS.

AND I WAS ACTUALLY ONTWO REALITY SHOWS,

WHICH IS CRAZY, YOU KNOW,JUST TO THINK THAT, OUT THERE,

THERE WAS SOME GUY, LIKE,FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS,

BEING LIKE, "HEY, I 69'd HERON A CRUISE SHIP!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, HE'S NOT HERE.

I'M ALWAYS LOOKING, BUT, UH...

I MISS OUT ONSO MANY GREAT REALITY SHOWS

'CAUSE THE TITLE THROWS ME OFF,YOU KNOW?

LIKE, MY FRIENDSALL GOT REALLY INTO THAT SHOW

"THE DEADLIEST CATCH,"BUT I NEVER WATCHED IT

'CAUSE I ALWAYS JUST, LIKE,ASSUMED IT WAS ABOUT AIDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S ABOUT CRABS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T TUNE IN LOOKING FORTHAT BIG AIDS HOUR.

NO, SOME PEOPLE KNOW NOTHINGABOUT THAT DISEASE.

IT'S REALLY SAD.

LIKE, MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE,LISA --

OH, MY GOD.I REMEMBER, WE WERE FRESHMEN.

I WAS LIKE, "HEY, LIS, LIKE,YOU SHOULD GO GET TESTED

'CAUSE YOU'RE A HUGE SLUT."

YOU LET YOUR FRIENDS KNOW,RIGHT?

NOT LIKE I WAS --I THOUGHT THE FRESHMAN 15

WAS HOW MANY GUYS YOU WERESUPPOSED TO SLEEP WITH, BUT...

GAINED IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I SHOULD HAVE KNOWNTHAT LISA WAS A SLUT

'CAUSE THE DAY SHE MOVED IN,SHE SHOWED ME --

SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE GIRLSWHO COULD PUT HER WHOLE FIST

IN HER [BLEEP]

YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M LIKE, "LET ME HANG UP

"MY DAVE MATTHEWS POSTER FIRST,PLEASE.

GET THESE RAMEN NOODLESBREWING."

NO, UH...

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVEI GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE.

I FEEL LIKE YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE GOOD ATWHEN YOU'RE OLDER

BASED ON WHAT YOU LIKEWHEN YOU'RE YOUNGER.

LIKE, WHEN I --WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

MY BEST FRIEND WAS TONY --

THIS KID TONY --AND HE LOVED ROCKS.

HE WAS ALWAYS, LIKE, PLAYINGWITH ROCKS, COUNTING THEM.

AND NOW HE'S A CRACKHEAD, SO...

IT'S AMAZING, ISN'T IT?IT'S REALLY AMAZING.

BUT THE BEST EXAMPLEIS MY OLDER BROTHER,

'CAUSE WHEN WE WERE KIDS,HE LOVED CATS.

EVERYBODY ELSE LIKES DOGS,RIGHT?

NO -- LOVED CATS.

AND HE GREW UP TO BETHIS HUGE PUSSY, SO...

IT'S WEIRD HOW IT WORKED OUTTHAT WAY, ISN'T IT?

[ SIGHS ]

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