Ari Shaffir - A Peculiar Dog - Uncensored

Crime 03/01/2016 Views: 3,169

When Ari Shaffir stayed at a friend's apartment for a few months, he tried to train a dog with very strange tastes. (9:59)

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- Guys, don't judge him.

He's happy with who he is.

We just legalized gay marriagein this country.

Don't take a step backon dog homosexuality.

[dark electronic music]

Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.

And today the topic is crime.

[cheers and applause]

Please help me welcome the host

of the "Skeptic Tank" podcast, Ari Shaffir.

[cheers and applause]

Here's the deal:I moved to New York

not too long ago,a few years ago.

And it's great.It's a lot of fun.

People are like,"Which one do you like better?"

I'm like,"They're fuckin' both--

they're both great;they're both great."

There's this war going onbetween LA and New York,

and I don't understand it.

Like, "Which one's better?Which one's better?"

"New York sucks.""LA sucks."

I'm like,"Fuckin' Kansas City sucks."

[laughter]

Why are you tryingto hurt each other?

It's like, who's better,Kobe Bryant or Kevin Durant?

Well, in terms of non-rape,

I guess it would beKevin Durant.

[laughter]

But--that's right,I hate the Lakers.

[laughter]

People are like,"Why won't you forget it?"

I'll never forget it.I'll never forget it.

Anyway, that's all sidetrack.

When I really like LA betteris in the winter.

So what I do is,I find some comedian

to switch apartments withfor the winter.

I come here; they go there.

I ask them usually in June.

They look at the weather report,

and they're like,"Yeah, New York seems fine."

[laughter]

And then, like,January rolls around.

They're like,"You double-crossed me!"

And I'm like, "I can't hear youover the sunshine."

[laughter]

So I switched apartmentswith my friend Benji Aflalo.

And he double-crossed me too,

because when I gotto his apartment,

he was like, "Oh, by the way,I got a dog.

You got to take care of it.Bye."

[laughter]And then he left.

This dog bit me for, like,the first week I was there too.

I was like,"Why is your dog biting me?"

He was--he stayed for,like, three days.

We stayed, like, together.

And then he left.

But I was like,"Why is your dog biting me?"

He's like, "Well, you know,

dogs can smell fear."

[laughter]

And I was like, "Yeah,but why is he biting me?"

He's like, "Well, you know,when they smell fear"--

I've never understoodthat logic of, like,

just 'cause you knowI'm scared of you, dog,

why is physical violenceyour answer to that?

That's asshole logic.

Like, how aboutyou know I'm scared.

Walk slowlywhen I'm in the room.

[laughter]Set me at ease.

Don't be like, "Scared?Fuckin' scared?"

Like, "Yes,please stop doing that,

and I won't beas frightened of you."

[laughter]

It was fun taking careof this dog too, though.

I fell in love with him.

I fell in love with him.I love this dog.

'Cause a lot of youdon't understand.

My thought was,"I'll take him on walks;

I'll meet chicks,"you know.

Like, "Oh, you got a dog.I got a dog."

[mumbling]You know.

That's a "one thing leadsto another" situation.

[laughter]I love this dog.

Here's my questionabout dogs, by the way.

They say they're supposedto have

a really good sense of smell.

We've heard thatsince we were little.

Dogs--really goodsense of smell.

Okay, well then how come,

when they're smellinganother dog's asshole,

do they have to be insidethat dog's asshole

in order to make outwhat it is?

'Cause that doesn't seem like

a very good sense of smellat all.

[laughter]

I have guy friendswho if they haven't showered

for, like, a day and a half,

I can smell their assholes...

[laughter]

From, like, six feet awaythrough clothing.

I'm like, "It was oneof you guys.

I don't know which one, but Ican clearly smell asshole."

I don't have to treat itlike a 40-year-old wine

where I'm like,"Hold on, let me--

let me really get in there."

[mumbles]

[inhales deeply]

[laughter]

"Yup, that's an asshole,all right.

Story checks out."

[laughter]

"Same place as the others."

[laughter]

Anyway, this dog,he was so cool.

Who has dogs here, anybody?

[people cheer]You guys got a dog.

Your dog do any tricks?

- Sleeps a lot.- Sleeps a lot?

That's not really a trick.That's depression.

[laughter]

You want your dogsto do tricks.

Nothing crazy,nothing crazy.

All I wanted to teachthis dog was to fetch.

That was my goal.

It was, like,nine-, ten-month-old dog,

and I'm like, "I can stillteach it," you know?

Fetch: basic shit.Nothing crazy.

Some people do that trickwhere you put

a treat on the dog's nose

and they got to fuckin'sit there and not eat it,

just balancing it,and then you're like,

"Okay, go,"and then they eat it.

That's fuckin' slave shit.

Don't do that to your dog.

That's part of your family.

That's unnecessary.

Oh, this thing that you love--

here, it's rightnext to your face

where you can smell it.

Don't eat it.

[laughter]

I just wantedthis dog to fetch.

That's all I wanted himto do: fetch.

Easiest shitin the world, right?

And I tried--I triedto teach him how to fetch.

It was so hard, but I tried.

I watched YouTube videoson how to train a dog to--

I watched 30 secondsof one YouTube video

on how to traina dog to fetch.

I bought the crinklykind of toy.

I bought those little,tiny tennis balls

so he can get his fuckingtiny Chihuahua mouth around it.

[laughter]Nothing worked.

He had no interest in fetching.

You know what he loved?

[people murmuring]

Nope, none of you guys got it.You're never gonna get it.

You're not evenon the right path.

Semen, semen.He loved semen.

[laughter]

I'm not done there.

I'm not gonna just leave itout there like that

and be like, "All right,next story."

There's more to it.I'm gonna explain it.

I came home one day,and in his dog bed,

he had all these tissue papers.

And he was, like, fuckingbiting these tissue papers

and, like, eating them.

And I was like,"Benji, why is your dog

biting all these tissue papers?"

And he goes, "Oh, motherfucker.

"He's been in my room again.

"Yeah, he goes in thereand treasure hunts

for jizz rags."

[laughter]

"And he brings themback to his bed

"like a job well done.

He gets to enjoy his spoils."

He loves semen.I don't care.

I'm not gonna judge him.

Let him be happywith who he is.

He knows what he loves.

I'll just lock my door,that's all.

I kept the door closed,

and I wouldn't let himin my room.

But once, I wentto the bathroom,

and when I came back,

he had one of myinside-out socks

in his bed.

Smart dog.

[laughter]

Fine, whatever.I don't care.

All I wantis to be a dog trainer,

and I tried everythingto get this dog to fetch.

I tried everything.I bought him a little fetch toy.

It's, like, a rubberhollow thing.

You put a treat on the inside,

and then you let him smell it,and he wags his tail, all happy.

And then I'd throw it;he would just look at it...

[laughter]

And then look back at me

like, "You knowyou're gonna go get that."

[laughter]

I'd be like, "Come on, come on."

And then I'd be like,"See, don't you"--

I'm like,"You're fucking training me."

[laughter]

No interest in fetching.

Anyway, towards the endof the winter,

I was having sex with a woman

and used a condom for once...

[laughter]And, uh--

Feels great to use a condom.

I feel like I'm notpart of the problem.

[laughter]

Anyway, I finished,and I went to the bathroom

to throw out the condom,you know,

in the trash canin the bathroom.

And when I opened the door,the dog,

he got all excitedto see me, you know,

'cause I was in the bedroomkilling it

for, like, eight hours.

[laughter]

Could've been ten minutes.I don't know.

Could've been ten.Dogs can't tell time.

Dogs can't tell time.Dogs can't tell time.

To him, it was, like, a day.It didn't matter.

Dogs can't tell time.

[laughter]

And, uh, I saw him.

I was like, "Oh, hey, buddy,excited to see me?"

But he wasn't looking at me.

He was looking at my hand

with the condom in it.

And I was like, "What are--

No."

[laughter]

And to test it,I went like that,

and then he goes, like--like, up on two legs.

You know when they dothat thing?

I'm like, "You fucking slut."

[laughter]

To him, it was likea glass of milk.

Guys, don't judge him.

He's happy with who he is.

We just legalized gay marriagein this country.

Don't take a step backon dog homosexuality.

[laughter]

I don't care.He loves semen.

Let him be into what he's into.

That's what he likes.

That's what he wants.

But what I wantis to be a dog trainer.

[laughter]

So I gotthat little fetch toy...

[laughter]

And I put--uh-huh, yup, yup.

Mm-hmm, yup, yup.You're right.

You're right too.You're right.

You're right.That's right, mm-hmm.

Yup, yup.That's right.

You know what's gonna happen.

Mm-hmm, yup, yup.

That's right.Mm-hmm, yup.

[laughter]

I put it down,and then I took the condom,

and I turned it over,and I just kind of, like...

[laughter and groans]

Emptied it...

[laughter]

Onto this fetch toy.

[laughter]

And then I let him smell it,and he loved it.

[laughter]

He was like,"Om, nom, nom."

He couldn't get enough of it.

I'd take it, and I'd throw it,

and he'd fuckin' run after it.

I'd take it out againand throw it.

He was so excited--you know the thing they do

where they can't evenget traction,

where they're just like...

this for a while,and then it starts catching in?

He would do that,like burning rubber.

[laughter]

I jizzed on everythingafter that, you guys.

The tennis ball,the crinkly toy...

[laughter]

All of it.

Yeah, my methodsare a little bit unorthodox.

[laughter]

I'm a lot like House.

[laughter]

But there's only one thingthat's important there,

and that is thatI am a dog trainer.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]