Ralph Harris - Institution

  • Season 3 , Ep 8
  • 07/25/2000
  • Views: 4,369

Married people are good actors. (3:41)

SHE'S TALKIN' ABOUT IT; I'M NOT.

THERE WAS NO ENTHUSIASM.

Y'ALL LIKE, "OH, DAMN."

MARRIAGE IS WONDERFUL.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE

THAT'S SOMEBODY YOU WANTTO BE WITH FOREVER-R-R-R.

I THINK, YOU KNOW,I DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S A LONG TIME.

'CAUSE MARRIAGEIS A INSTITUTION, YOU KNOW.

IT'S A COMMITMENT.

AND YOU DON'T GET TO LEAVEA INSTITUTION.

ESPECIALLY ONCEYOU'RE COMMITTED.

ONCE YOU'RE IN,YOU'RE IN, BABY.

NO WEEKEND PASSES.

I WATCH MARRIED PEOPLE.

MARRIED PEOPLE ARE GOOD ACTORS,'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO ACT

LIKE YOU WANT TO BE TOGETHERALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO BEWITH NOBODY EVERY DAMN DAY!

SOME DAYS, YOU WAKE UP,YOU WANT TO TELL THAT PERSON,

"HEY, YOU STINK.

HOW COME YOU CAN'T SNAP YOURFINGER AND DISAPPEAR TODAY?"

THEY BEST THINGTHEY CAN TELL YOU IS,

"WHY DON'T YOU?"

"OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.THANKS A LOT."

[applause]

YEAH, I DON'T MESS WITH HER.

NOTHING PHYSICAL, 'CAUSE SHE'SSTRONGER THAN I-DON'T-KNOW-WHAT.

SHE WORKS OUT EVERY DAY.

TAE BO, THE NEW EXERCISE.

YOU SEEN THAT?

THAT'S A GOOFY EXERCISE.

I HAD TO GOTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

THE FIRST TIME I TRIED IT.

THAT AIN'T THE WAYI'M SUPPOSED TO WORK OUT.

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE THINKS THAT'S GOODFOR SELF-DEFENSE, YOU KNOW?

I--YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK SO.

I THINK IF WE EVER GET CAUGHTIN A DARK ALLEY,

SHE GONNA GET BEAT UP.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA RUN;I AIN'T EVEN GONNA LIE TO YA.

I WORK OUT ON THE TREADMILL.

"GO FOR WHAT YOU KNOW, BABY!"

I'D BE AT THE OTHER ENDOF THE STREET.

"BABY, RUN TO THE LIGHT!

"COME ON!

"HE'S GAININ' ON YOU, BABY!

"OOH.

TOO BAD."

'CAUSE WE TOGETHER, YOU KNOW?

THINKIN' WE'RE GONNA BE TOGETHERNO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

MY MOTHER SAYS,

"WHEN YOU WITH SOMEBODY,YOU NEVER STOP LEARNING.

SO STAY OPEN TO THAT."

YOU KNOW?

KNOW WHAT I'M LEARNINGTHIS SEMESTER?

(man) WHAT?

[laughter]

IS THAT YOU--

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO SHAREEVERYTHING DOWN THE MIDDLE.

I DON'T MIND SHARING WITH YOUIF I GOT A LOT OF SOMETHING.

BUT IF YOU PUT MY CLOTHES ON,I'M LIKE, "WHOA.

"HEY, THAT'S MY SHIRT!

"I WAS GOING TO WEAR THAT!

"YOU GONNA WEAR IT TOO, HUH?

"HA HA HA HA.

"I SEE YOU GOT--YOU TIED A KNOTIN THE FRONT OF IT.

"YOU JUST GONNA WRINKLE ITALL UP, AIN'T YOU?

"AIN'T HOW YOU WEAR THAT.

"NO, IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.

"BUT THAT AIN'T HOW YOU--

"I'M DON'T WEAR YOUR TUBE TOPS.

I DON'T WEAR 'EMWHEN YOU'RE IN THE HOUSE."

YOU DO, LADIES.

YOU PUT OUR CLOTHES ON

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WE CAN'T FITIN YOUR STUFF.

I'M GONNA START SURPRISING.

"HEY, GIRL,LOOK AT YOUR THONG UNDERWEAR.

"WHAT YA THINK ABOUT THAT?

"GOT 'EM ON BACKWARDS, DON'T I?

"I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG;IT KEPT SLIPPING OUT.

IT'S COLD AS HELLIN THESE LITTLE THINGS."

FELLOWS, YOU EVER PUT YOURLADY'S UNDERWEAR ON YOUR HEAD?

YOU EVER--NEVER--I NEVER DID THAT EITHER.

I WAS JUST CHECKING WITH Y'ALL.

[applause]

THAT'S STUPID.

WHO THOUGHT OF THAT?

"YES, I DID.I PUT THE HOLES IN THE FRONT.

GIRL, I'M THE FLY."

SHE LAUGHED SO HARD,7UP SHOT OUT OF HER NOSE.

'CAUSE YOU'LL DOA LOT OF CRAZY THINGS

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