Jeff Ross - 37 Inches

Jeffrey Ross: No Offense - Live From New Jersey Season 1, Ep 101 08/22/2008 Views: 24,424

Jeff Ross doesn't mind taking his son to Disneyland, but he doesn't like the direction "Sesame Street" has taken. (2:05)

I TOOK HIM TO DISNEY.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO BE37 INCHES

TO RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER,YOU KNOW.

AND, UH, I TAKE HIMON SPACE MOUNTAIN.

AFTERWARDS HE'S SO EXCITED.

HE JUST RODEHIS FIRST ROLLER COASTER.

OF COURSE WE HAVE TO PEE.

WE GO THE MEN'S ROOM,

AND, UH, HE'S FINALLYBIG ENOUGH NOW

WHERE HE CAN GOTO THE REGULAR-SIZE URINALS.

YOU KNOW, NOT THE LITTLE MANURINALS ON THE END, YOU KNOW.

HE'S SO--BUT HE CANBARELY REACH IT.

HE HAS TO PUT HIS THING,

LIKE, RIGHT ON TOPOF THE URINAL, YOU KNOW.

HE LOOKS AT ME ALL PROUD.

LOOKS AT THE GUYNEXT TO US.

HE'S LIKE, "I'M 37 INCHES."

WOW!

GUY'S LIKE, "I GUESSYOU WIN, KID, HELL!

"TO HELL WITH DISNEYLAND.JOIN THE CIRCUS!

THEY HAD ME WATCHING SESAME STREET.

HAVE YOU SEEN SESAME STREET THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS?

OH, MY GOSH, SESAME STREET HAS BEEN RUINED.

THEY GOT THE COOKIE MONSTER--HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

THE COOKIE MONSTER--WHAT IS IT, JUST SAY IT.

(man) HE EATS VEGETABLES!

HE'S A VEGETARIAN.

[audience boos]

HE'S ON A DIET.

THEY GOT THE COOKIE MONSTEREATING BROCCOLI AND [bleep].

HE'S LIKE, "COOKIES AREA SOMETIMES SNACK."

[laughter]

I MISS THE OLD COOKIE MONSTER.

HE USED TO WANTTO STICK HIS [bleep]

IN SOME CHOCOLATE CHIPS.

[imitating Cookie Monster]"COOKIE!

"COOKIE!

"SHUT THE DOOR, KIDS.

"I'M ABOUT TO MAKETHIS BATCH MY BITCH.

I'M GONNA BUST A NUT ALLOVER THESE NUTTER BUTTERS."

"I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO [bleep] THESE COOKIES.

"I WOULD LICKA MUFFIN'S [bleep]

TO [bleep] THESE COOKIES."

COME ON, LADY,DON'T LOOK AT ME

LIKE YOU NEVER LICKEDA MUFFIN'S [bleep].

[laughter]