You can't just say wordsthat happen to be true
and ignore the problem.
I can't do that. I know that.
When I was a kid,my mom'd be like,
"Michael, how comeyour dad's the only one
taking out the garbage?"
I'd be like,"Because no one is helping him."
I'm glad that I could provide
that informationto you right now.
I feel like I have metall the requirements
of this conversation.
Okay, I'll go help.
I'm Catholic, my mom's ancestryis Irish Catholic,
so she's super Catholic.
(scattered whooping)Yeah? Right?
Whenever my brothers or I didsomething wrong
when we were kids,that's when all
the religious ragewould come out, yeah.
She'd be like,"Who broke the fish bowl?
Jesus, Mary and Joseph."
My brother would be like,"Wow, we should
go tell her it was us."
I'd be like, "No, we're not evenone of the top three suspects.
"We're not even in the line-upright now. We're fine.
"And shut up, we're Catholic.Jesus died for our sins.
He won't mind taking the heaton a fish bowl."
It's in the Bible.
It's hard being Catholicas you get older.
There's a lot of rulesthat are hard to follow.
Like if you're Catholic,you're not supposed to
have sex tillyou get married.
Which is good, I guess, if youdon't want to have kids,
or get diseases. What happens ifyou die before we get married?
That's not fair.
Then you go to heaven a virgin.
And you might have tohave sex with a terrorist.
I don't make the rules.
I just mixthem up in my head.