Daniel Tosh - Work of Art

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Season 1, Ep 101 03/06/2011 Views: 135,222

There's a reason why Daniel Tosh hates the Winter Olympics; there's a completely different reason why he hates the Summer Olympics. (2:10)

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THAT BEING SAID,I HAVE A FEW.

EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY,

I GET A SMALL DASHON MY INNER THIGH

WHERE MY BALLSCURRENTLY HANG.

[laughter]

YOU CAN'T TELL METHAT'S NOT GONNA BE

A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF ARTWHEN IT'S FINISHED.

MY GRANDKIDSARE PLAYING WITH MY BALLS,

THEY CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELLARE THESE THINGS?"

I'M LIKE,"IT'S YOUR FUTURE.

READ THE CHART."

THEY DON'T STOP GROWING.THEY'RE LIKE EARLOBES.

[laughter]

THAT JOKE WAS INSPIREDBY A DOOR THAT WASN'T LOCKED

WHEN I WAS 11.

[laughter]

HOW ABOUTTHOSE WINTER OLYMPICS?

THEY WERE EXCITING,WEREN'T THEY?

FINALLY,WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT

WHICH COUNTRY CAN SLIDE DOWNA HILL FASTER.

NOT GEORGIA.

[audience ohs]OOH.

OH, I'M SORRY.

BIG LUGE FANS, ARE YOU,HERE IN SAN FRAN?

TAKE THAT LUGE SERIOUSLY,DON'T YOU?

THE WINTER OLYMPICSARE POINTLESS.

I'LL SAY IT.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I ASSUME THE ONLY REASONWE HAVE THEM

IS SO WHITE PEOPLEFEEL RELEVANT IN SPORTS,

BECAUSE OTHER THAN THAT,THE ONLY THING

THE WINTER OLYMPICSSHOW ME IS

WHICH COUNTRYHAS MORE RICH WHITE KIDS?

WHAT'S IT COST TO GO SKIING?

$900 A DAY?

"OH, I CAN'T BELIEVETHAT'S NOT MORE POPULAR

IN THE INNER CITIES."

HMM.

"HEY, LATRELL, YOU WANNA PLAYBASKETBALL TODAY?"

"NO, MAN, I'M GOINGTO BRECKENRIDGE."

"OH.

"LAH-DEE UNCLE TOM DAH.

LATRELL'S GOINGTO BRECKENRIDGE."

[laughter]

I HATE THE SUMMER GAMES,FOR THAT MATTER.

I JUST DON'T WANT PARENTSTO BE REWARDED

FOR ENCOURAGING THEIR KIDS

TO FORFEITTHEIR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD

PERFECTING A SPORTNO ONE CARES ABOUT

FOR 3 YEARS AND 11 MONTHSAT A TIME,

THEN FOR ONE MONTH,I GOT TO ACT

AS IF THE VAULT AFFECTSMY PATRIOTISM.

IT DOESN'T.

I HOPE YOU MISS THE JUMPAND RIB CAGE IT.

YEAH.

DO THAT FOR OLD GLORY.

ENJOY YOUR EATING DISORDER,

ASK YOUR MOM WHYYOU STOPPED GROWING AT 4'3",

AND REMEMBER, EVERY GUY SAYSHAMMERTOE'S A DEAL BREAKER.

I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR FEET,MARY LOU.

THEY'RE DISGUSTING.