Ms. Pat - Life-Saving Titties - Uncensored

Emergency 02/26/2015 Views: 8,967

Back in Ms. Pat's drug-dealing days, she found out the importance of having big breasts. (6:32)

Tonight I'ma tell you howmy big titties saved my life.

[cheers and applause]

So, it was the summer of 1988.

I'm 16 years old,

I got two kids,two and one years old,

and I'm living in the hoodin Atlanta.

And in this hood, you know,I'm trying to survive.

So, I go outand start me a small business.

Well, I was selling crack,

but we gonna call ita small business tonight.

Okay, white people?

'Cause when you 16 years oldin the hood

and you got two kids,

there's only two thingsyou can do for a job.

Either sell drugsor sell your body.

So, I did the onethat paid the most.

So, I had to advertisethis business.

And I couldn't go out, you know,

and try to get no [bleep]commercial or no flashy signs

or no shit like that.

So, I had to advertise the waywe do in the hood.

I went out and bought mea 1980 Fleetwood Cadillac

from the junkyard for $500.

And I put $9,500 into it.

Rims and paint.

So, I take this carand I paint it pearl white,

with 1,001 gold flakes in it.

And white people, you probablydon't know what the hell

I'm talking about,but when you got a paint job

with 1,001 gold flakes,you the shit in the hood.

So, I'm sitting in my carone day with one of my clients,

running inventorythrough my small business.

I always had to keep a clientin the car with me,

'cause I was 16 years oldwith a learner's permit,

and I didn't want to riskthe chance

of losing my [bleep] permit.

[laughter]

So, I'm sitting there one day,and one of my rivals walk up,

and he hit the back of my car.

And he's just yell, Rabbit,

get the hell out of the carwith your fat ass.

Now, Rabbit is my hood name.

'Cause you can't goby your real name in the hood.

Patricia don't sound toughat all.

I get out the carand we arguing,

and he [bleep] spit on my car.

Now, it wasn't a regular spit,people.

'Cause I wouldn't have got mad.

It was the type of spit thathe pulled from his damn navel.

The first thingI'm thinking, like,

this [bleep] done [bleep]chipped one of my gold flakes.

I paid a lot of moneyfor that paint job.

So, I go to my car'cause I got to be tough,

and I'm a girl.I reach in the car

and grab my baby bag,

and I move the Pampers over.

Then I move the crack over.

Then I get my pistol.

'Cause you knowI'm a good mama.

You got to keep all the shittogether.

And so I take my gun

and I stick it to his dick.

And I said, now,get that shit off of my car

before I turn your dickinto a blooming onion.

[laughter]

He wiped the spit off.

And I said, now,get the hell out of here.

He walks away.

He get halfway up the hilland he turn around

and he was, like,when I come back, bitch,

I'ma kill you.

Now, I'm from the hood.You hear that shit every day.

You don't believe ittill they lay you down.

White people, don't letthis white guilt get you, okay?

Relax, this shit is funny.

And five minutes later,

I'm serving customersand he come back.

Now, he's shooting.

Now, I don't knowif you ever been in a shootout

with black people before,

but when they comedown the hill and they running

and they shoot, I thinkthat make the bullets go faster.

[laughter]

But I want to shoot back

'cause I got my pistolin my hand.

But what I realized,

my pistol wouldn't shootbecause the shit was on safety.

Now, I don't know if you everbeen in a shootout before,

but if you're ever in a shootoutand you shooting,

and your shit on safety, younot in a shootout any longer.

[laughter]

You being shot at.

So, I take off running,and I'm running down the hill,

and my [bleep] tittiesjust flying in my face.

And I'm tryingto hold my titties down.

'Cause you know,these titties young.

They took off runningbefore I did.

I run down the hill,and I jumped over this fence,

and I run intomy girlfriend house.

She was, like, why you got bloodall over your shirt?

And I look downand I'm, like, damn.

I done snaggedmy [bleep] nipple on the fence.

She called 911, y'all,and the EMT pull up.

A little white guy, and hewas, like, ma'am, what happened?

I'm, like, I think I snaggedmy [bleep] nipple on the fence.

[laughter]

So, the EMT guytried to take my bra off.

And, you know,I got a big set of titties.

I've had these same tittiessince the third grade.

So, he's back theretrying to take my bra off

and he's struggling like hell.

I was, like, oh, evidently, younever dealt with real titties.

Let me give you a hand, EMT.

So, I had to bend my back in

where my back tittieswill help him unbutton my bra.

[laughter]

So, he take my bra loose,and then my right titty

just fall outlike it was in a drive-by.

So, he picked it up and he was,like, I think you've been shot.

I was, like,you think I've been shot?

So, he lift my arm up and hewas, like, you got an entrance

and it came outthrough your nipple.

That's your exit.

So, I'm thinking, like,this [bleep] blew my nip off?

Like a bull's-eye?

And so he's, like,

I need to get youto the hospital.

So, I get to the hospital,y'all,

and the doctor examinedmy titty and he was, like,

ma'am, he blew your nip off.

I'm, like, I [bleep] heard.

He was, like, well, ma'am,you really lucky.

Because if you was a A-cup,you would have died.

Them little tittieswould've got you killed, baby.

These real titties.They save life.

Thank you all so much.I'm Ms. Pat.