Chris Hardwick - Turning 35 Years Old

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 02/05/2010
  • Views: 16,583

Thirty-five is the age where you have to check a whole different box on surveys. (1:42)

ABOUT VAGINAS TO STRANGERS.

37 YEARS OLD.IT'S WEIRD.

I--I FEEL MYSELFGETTING OLDER IN WAYS--

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLETHINK 30 IS GONNA BE A BIG DEAL.

AND IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO TURN 30,I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

30 IS NOT A BIG DEAL AT ALL,YOU GUYS, TOTALLY COOL.

35 IS WEIRD BECAUSETHAT'S THE AGE WHERE

YOU START CHECKING A WHOLEDIFFERENT BOX

WHEN YOU'RE FILLING OUTSURVEYS.

LIKE, YOU USED TO GETTHAT SWEET 18-TO-34-YEAR-OLD BOX

AND AFTER THAT,IT'S JUST 35-TO-CORPSE!

NO ONE GIVES A...(laughter)

WHAT YOU LIKE AFTER YOU'RE 35'CAUSE YOUR OLD AND CREEPY,

AND WHY SHOULD THEY?

I CAN'T SHOP AT THE SAME PLACESI USED TO SHOP AT ANYMORE.

LIKE, I USED TO LOVE TO GO TOTHE ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH STORE.

I LOVE IT. LOVE IT.CAN'T GO NEAR THEM ANYMORE.

THEY'VE TURNED THEMINTO THESE CREEPY NIGHTCLUBS

THAT ARE DESIGNED TO SCAREOLD PEOPLE AWAY.

(laughter)

YOU WALK BY THESE PLACESIN MALLS,

AND THEY'RE DARKAND OMINOUS

AND THEY'RE PUMPINGTHIS COLOGNE OUT IN FRONT

THAT SMELLS LIKE DATE RAPEAND IT...(laughter)

AND IT GETS IN YOUR HEADAND CLOUDS YOUR JUDGMENT.

THERE'S ALWAYS TWO RIPPEDSHIRTLESS DUDES

STANDING OUT FRONTGUARDING IT LIKE

IT'S SOME KIND OFGAY SPACE PALACE.

(laughter)

AND YOU GO INSIDE AND THERE'STHIS THUMPING TECHNO MUSIC

THAT'S JUST GAYERTHAN...ON A MOUSTACHE.

JUST LIKE...(laughter)

NOT A JUDGMENT.NOT A JUDGMENT.

BUT YOU REALLY EXPECTTO GO INSIDE

AND SEE PEOPLESIPPING APPLETINIS

WHILE DOING COKEOF MANNEQUINS ASSES,

WHILE VAMPIRES ARE FEEDINGON ASIAN SCHOOLGIRLS

IN THE DRESSING ROOMS.

WHILE THE GHOST OF OSCAR WILDEIS...THE GHOST OF ANDY WARHOL

ON THE BACK OF A UNICORNWITH A...FOR A HORN

SHOOTING RAINBOWS ONTOA "PROJECT RUNWAY" MARATHON.

(laughter)

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