My name is Chad Daniels.
That's a horrible name when I go
to the Deep South,'cause I always
get that drunk redneck,you know?
"Hey, boy, your name Daniels?
"You related to Jack?
Ha ha!"( imitates gunshots )
Now I have to explainto this guy
Jack Daniel's hasan apostrophe in it, right?
And one guy honestly said,he goes,
"You mean he followed Jesus?"
"Yeah, sir, he was one ofthe 12 apostrophes.
"Way to go.
Why don't you go color?"
Like an apostrophe would everfollow Jesus, right?
They'd have to give upall their earthly possessions,
and, hello, their main jobis to show ownership.
Every time I tell that joke,
an English teachergets their wings.
I was watching on CNN,
they're gonna try to reformSocial Security again.
Listen, here's how we take careof Social Security:
we kill old people.
'Cause not only...I know, hear me out.
I'm saying, like, not onlyare they using up all our money,
they're using up all our air.
You ever seen an old person?They're breathing.
( chuckles )"I'm breathing, I'm breathing."
And then they have their owntank of air in the back.
They're saving it.
So I'm saying,we get to kill them.
Not shoot them or anything;it has to be creative.
Like, if they're everwalking across the street
in a crosswalkwith their old head,
'cause their old neckcan't hold it up,
you just go upbehind them, go...
( imitates loud car horn )
Now they're dead.
Here's the thing.Here's the thing.
If life expectancy is 75and you kill a 74-year-old,
you only have to spendone year in prison.
If life expectancy is 75and you kill an 80-year-old,
five years credit.
And then you hold ontothat credit like tickets
from Chuck E. Cheeseafter you played skee ball.
And then one day, you're like,"Go mow the lawn, son."
And he's like,"Kiss my ( bleep ), Dad."
Stab. Tickets. You're even.