Jim Breuer - Boogeyman

Season 1 , Ep 0105 08/25/97 Views: 13,670

Driving alone at night, you're always thinking how you can fend off the Boogeyman. (3:54)

So I'm married four years now.

No one cares. Shut up. Hold on.

[cheers and applause]

You guys don't care.

No one cares.

There's just so many--

so much pressure on

relationships.

You know when I knew it was

gonna be weird?

Just by the reaction of your

friends when you get engaged.

Like, girls get really excited,

and they should.

They go tell their friends.

It's, like, a big deal.

Like, "Did you hear what

happened?

I got engaged."

[shrieking]

A big circus breaks out.

"You got engaged!"

Bam, dun-dun dun-dun dun-dun.

Dun-dun.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

[imitates elephant]

"She got engaged."

[imitates elephant]

The guy in stilts comes out.

Remember that guy?

Then you tell your guy friends.

They're like, "You got engaged?"

[laughter]

It's like hearing someone died.

"What happened, man?

Wow.

He was so young, man.

What happened?

He had his whole life ahead

of him.

Wow, I just saw him yesterday,

man."

[laughter]

Uh...so I have a 30th birthday

coming up.

[cheers and applause]

Know what's spooky about that,

though?

No matter how old you get,

you still have those childhood

fears.

I was driving down this road

called Alligator Alley.

And it's a pitch-black road.

And it was, like, in the middle

of nowhere,

all this swamplands on the side.

And when you're driving out in

the middle of nowhere, I don't

care how cool you think you are,

how tough you think you are,

your mind plays tricks on you.

And I'm driving.

I'm sitting there like...

and then you test how spooky it

is by turning off the lights

for a second.

You know, you're--poof!

Ah!

[laughter]

"Man, it's really spooky out

here, man."

Now, I'm by myself,

going, "All right, what are you

gonna do if the bogeyman comes

running out of the woods?"

And then--then I start plotting

what I'm gonna do to the

bogeyman--the bogeyman.

In my--I don't know what your

bogeyman looks like, but I got

a, like, four-horned bogeyman,

you know.

So I'm like, all right, if the

bogeyman comes out, I'll just

swerve around him, you know,

'cause you don't want to hit

him and not kill him.

'Cause then you got a pro--

that's what the bogeyman wants.

[laughter]

pow!

"Huah ha ha ha.

See you done the road."

[grunting]

You know, and then you start

thinking like, what if you get

a flat, do you stop?

Hell, no.

That's really what the bogeyman

wants--a flat tire in the middle

of nowhere.

I would drive 90 miles an hour

with a flat just to, you know,

keep away from the bogeyman.

[flat tire noise]

Hell with you, bogeyman.

I'm down, but I ain't out.

[flat tire noise]

And a cop pull me over.

Then I'll be in trouble.

He sees my eyes.

Like, mm-hmm.

"Want to tell me why you're

going 90 miles an hour with

a flat?"

>> Where's the fire, hotshot?

>> Officer, the bogeyman is out

here, all right, and he's

looking for me, officer.

[growling]

>> I knew you were stoned.

I knew it.

>> And then I was like, no,

I got a car.

I'm gonna nail the bogeyman.

So here I am, driving, like,

80 miles an hour, antagonizing

the bogeyman.

[imitates car horn]

"Come on, bogeyman!"

[imitates car horn]

Got my head out the window.

"Let's see what you got,

big shot!"

[imitates car horn]

Then I realized what a jackass

I am for 40 minutes.

And then just when you think you

have control of your mind again,

you're like, "All right, there's

no such thing as a bogeyman.

I just freaked out for a little

while."

>> How much to the airport?

[screams]

Ooh, that's little steep.

But all right.

And take the bridge, not the

tunnel.

[screaming]

>> male announ

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