Exclusive - Brian Babylon - Out of Work

South Beach Comedy Festival 2012 Season 1, Ep 6 03/09/2012 Views: 9,327

Brian Babylon dreams about the outfit he'll wear the day after he quits his job. (13:14)

- All time favorite comedian.

He's Chicago's prince of Bronzeville.

He hosts and produces the morning show

on Vocalo FM, and he's been

on NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me,

give it up for Mr. Brian Babylon!

(cheering)

- My best friend, Amy Schumer oh.

Man she slept on my couch for two months

and she can't remember my name, wow.

How y'all feel, South Beach?

First of all, thanks for havingme young, lovely city whoo!

I'm from Chi-Town, Chicago.

Trying to live out, thank you very much,

trying to live out my comedy dreams

'cause this is my part time job, actually.

Telling jokes is my part time job.

'Cause my real job sucks balls

when you really think about it,

'cause really but working does suck balls man.

I mean if I could have a working sucks balls rally

down on Collins Avenue I would, you know

and it'd be pretty much me at a podium saying working,

then the crowd says sucks balls!

And I'd say working, and the crowd says sucks balls!

Then we'd just smoke weed the rest of the day,

and that's pretty much, that's the

working sucks balls rally in a nutshell.

Forget all that occupy stuff,

it's all about what sucks balls.

'Cause working's crazy 'cause I've been

coming up with new ways to get off work at my job.

I've been laying racistbooby traps at my desk,

and then I go to lunch and then I come back appalled.

So what you do is you leave like you know,

you leave like a racist note, a bucket of fried chicken,

a slice of watermelon on top of a Confederate flag

table cloth, go to lunch, then you come back

like oh what the hell is this, what?

Go back to Africa, wow who would write this, wow!

Put on some hipster civil rights glasses like these,

go in to HR, I just realized these are like glasses.

These were in the dressing room.

Go to HR, start crying, like

I can't work in these conditions.

Two weeks off with pay, I'm on vacation

right now in South Beach, kicking it, enjoying myself.

Genius, that's called thinking.

That's called thinking.

And you know what, hold on,

and you ain't gotta be black actually.

Whatever your race is you just roll with that stereotype.

So if you Latino, leave a leafblower, some enchiladas

on top of an Arizona state flag tablecloth.

(audience laughs)

Go to lunch, come back appalled.

If you Asian, some mathhomework, an egg roll,

racist ass note, HR.

And if you're white, go ahead and take your ass to work.

Just go ahead and punch in at nine, punch out at five.

And we will be even on that back stuff.

That's called micro reparations.

It's just, it's the small kind.

'Cause you know I don't really dream about quitting my job.

What I really do is dream about

what's the outfit I'm gonna wear

to work the day I quit my job,

that's what I really fantasize about.

Like what I'm gonna layout the night before,

and for me, my quittingmy job outfit is

I would wear like an elaborate Aztec hat

with jewels and feathersand shit like that.

I would get the word cursive written

in cursive on my neck, with a garbage bag poncho

with some cowboy boots and I will moonwalk

into the office singing Loverboy,

Everybody's Working for the Weekend.

Then I hop on, then I hop on my boss's desk

and I say everybody'sworking for the weekend,

but me bitch, I quit!

Then I rip off the garbage bag

and I'm naked with a big ass dick swinging, you know just

like an erotic metronome, like ahh.

(audience laughs)

Defiant!

The stereotypes are true, man.

Black people like to quit jobs in elaborate outfits.

Stereotypes are absolutely true.

We will march to Washington and quit a job

in a feather boa, we really don't care.

You know what is crazy?

I'm kind of sick of my white co-workers

at the job throwing the word ghetto around at the job.

White people, please stop doing that, okay?

Like you know like oh my god this fax machine is so ghetto.

(audience laughs)

Okay listen I know yousaw a season of The Wire

and everything, but that fax machine

is not ghetto, Miss Ruby.

What is ghetto is if you go home tonight

and you find a roach in a mousetrap, that is ghetto.

Like zoinks!

Yeah, Shaggy flashback.

If you have like a bluetooth earpiece

in your ear blinking away but you're

missing teeth in your mouth, that is ghetto.

And an asshole, cellphone accessories

before dental work is jerk.

And last but not leastthis is for the ladies,

if you have like an eHarmony or a Match.com profile picture

of you looking real sexyin a bikini and lingerie

but your room is filthy as hell in the background,

who has fondue and nacho cheese

on their nightstand at the same time

dripping on a Russel Simmons debit card, like what is that?

That is not even a bank account, what?

I am judging you from this jpeg image

and you don't even realize that.

Get to know me a little bit.

I'm an older black man, but I am still scared of stuff.

I'm scared of hipster men, hipster

white men with curly mustaches.

I'm terrified, does that hit down here yet to the Miami?

You see these middle aged whiteguys with curly mustaches?

I'm terrified of that because I'm always scared

that I'm gonna end up tied up on some train tracks

with them on top of me like if

I can't have you, no one will!

Like come on man!

I just ordered a PBR and you're trying to.

(audience laughs)

I don't like people with dreadlocks

and recedinghairlines, I hate that.

That's terrifying.

(audience laughs)

Look like a Klingon and a Predator monster in the same,

like are you serious?

Please cut that off.

It is over.

(audience laughs)

And last but not least, I don't like

black people that wear color contacts.

Look like Thundercats man, are you,

are you serious man?

Throw violet eyes, you chose violet eyes

with that skin tone, violet?

Okay.

(audience laughs)

I, I don't want to say this is weird,

a little bit more about me.

I just found out what teabagging was.

(audience laughs)

I'm a grown ass man and I just found out what teabagging was

but I found out in a weird way.

I got doggy teabagged, which was even more bizarre

and how it, how you get doggy teabagged is

you visit your mom in North Caroline,

and you're you know chilling on the couch

in her small no-barkingPomeranian runs across

the couch, slips, and his little

doggy balls graze your lips.

That is, like it's so violating.

(grunting)

Felt like some furry M&Ms and it was just so horrible.

(audience laughs)

What else man?

All right, don'tjudge me on this

but I've been white girl free for six and a half months.

Give it up for that, jungle fever is a disease, it's real.

They don't have any marathons for it and no ribbons.

We're on our own with this whole little problem.

I had a rampant jungle fever problem

where I had this thing called Training Day role play.

Y'all remember that movie Training Day with Denzel?

Crooked cop, you know, whatever.

So I would pick upthis girl from her crib

and take her to my crack dealer

cousin's house in the projects

and then we would make passionate love after you know

the adrenaline rush,Training Day role play.

So but the weird thing is my cousin

who's a real life crackhead, true story,

he makes crack in his kitchen, right?

So he makes crack on one side of the stove.

He makes crack cocaine,and then the other side

of the stove he makes grilled paninis on the same stove.

It's, it's weird, it's really, on the same stove

like crack and thenpaninis, but he doesn't

wash his hands when he makes a panini

and then you out there and you eat the panini

then you look up, you're on the streets

sucking dick for paninis, it just gets

out of hand like oh man,what's, what happened?

(audience laughs)

What happened?

Yeah.

But my jungle fever problem was like really rampant

like where I would go down to the mall

and you know I would look for like white girls

to hang out with, and I would go down

to the Abercrombie and Finch,

that's how I sayit, Finch right?

So I gotta getsomething that makes me

look non-threatening to white people

'cause you know I don't even care

if you laugh at me right now

and then you see me out here on Washington Avenue

with two babies in my hand and a tuxedo,

you might still clutch your purse okay?

That's the liberal media in effect,

don't worry about it, but I found something

that makes me soften upmy look for white folk

and people is if I get a Starbucks drink.

You ever seen a black man with a Starbucks cup,

how non-threatening he looks?

He looks immediately like with a venti latte like pow,

this shit costs $17, relax.

Mm.

I can't do anything, relax, relax.

But you got to keep the lid on the cup

of the coffee drink, all right?

'Cause without the lid on the cup

you're just a well dressed black man

asking for spare change.

Keep the lid on the cupbecause loose change

will ruin a coffee drink.

(audience laughs)

Bloop, horrible.

So I let off my white girl mating call

down there at the Abercrombie and Finch

or the organic farmer's market, wherever they at, man.

(audience laughs)

And it goes a little something like this.

♪ Ba doo da da doo da da doo da

♪ La doo da

(audience laughs)

And just wait, mm.

Just wait.

Whoever faints, they 'bout it.

Whoever faints, they are about it.

(audience laughs)

I was watching TV with my grandmother

and we were watching the HBO show True Blood, okay.

I'm like okay, all right, all right, all right.

I'm like all right, like grandmado you like the True Blood?

She's like uh-uh baby, I don't like that.

I like the true blood of Jesus,

this that devil show right there.

(audience laughs)

I'm like you know you've got a good point, grandma.

'Cause I, I don't like new vampires.

That's my whole beef.

I like my vampires old school, you know?

Like with widow's peaks and cumberbunds

and tuxedos and capesand they move real slow

like ahh.

(audience laughs)

And then they bite you, then you got

the girlfriend and boyfriend

for eternity, vampires, you know.

These new vampires with their little skinny jeans

and their mousse hairand they move real fast

and suck your dick real quick, what are you doing man?

What are you doing?

It's True Blood, bro.

It's True Blood, man.

(audience laughs)

What bro?

Vampires talking about bro, talking like surfers.

I like, for me Ilike my vampires

with eastern European accents.

That's how, that's my comfort level with the vampire.

Selling me marshmallowycereals, like

part of a nutritiousbreakfast, blah, Count Chocula!

That's, that's my comfort zone with the vampire.

(audience laughs)

Clean transition into cereal spokesmen.

I, I'm convinced that the Captain Crunch

had something to do with the slave trade.

(audience laughs)

Had a little wake and bake meeting with myself,

and I'm at the breakfast table

and looking at the Captain Crunch box I'm like

shit came clear, you know?

So I did some internet research

and you know y'all can do some online

so you guys can take a break and do that.

His name is, if you look it up his name is

Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch,okay that's his real name.

He has a ship, okay?

He has his crunchberry plantation, okay?

Because crunchberries just don'tpick themselves, my friend.

They don't just, they don't hop off the vine

singing songs into the basket.

You gotta have a work force for that, all right?

And last but not least how do you trust

somebody who has they eyebrows on their hat?

That's the real key to shadiness.

Hey do you have any slaves?

No I don't have any slaves, get out of here, mah!

(audience laughs)

Ah.

That's what I think.

Well this is, this is a prime opportunity

to get off the stage doing this.

This is a little bit I do where I'm trying

to pitch this to the Comedy Central folk,

and they would not return my phone calls.

So I'm gonna try this again.

So this is an idea of acartoon I want to make

where I'm trying tohave, get, bear with me,

Barack Obama and Martin Luther King

be roommates in a zany new cartoon, okay?

And let's just take it to the next level, all right.

So I'm gonna do a scene for you guys

if you don't mind tonight.

If you don't mind if I do a scene

for you tonight, all right?

All right, thank you very much, thank you very much.

This is a scene where Barack Obama

and Martin Luther King, somebody

is not paying the cable bill okay?

(audience laughs)

I need you to say action.

- [Audience] Action.

- Barack, when I signedthe lease with you

I thought we'd go 50/50 on these bills.

I was watching ESPN the other day

and right in between the NFL update

the cable went stone cold off.

How long do I gotta wait for you

to pay that goddamn cable bill?

(audience laughs)

Uh hold it right there Martin, just hold it right there.

You just hold it right there.

Hold it right there.

Now let's be clear, let's be clear and frank.

I left $80 on the refrigerator

and I'm quite sure you paidthe cable bill with that money.

Hold on Barama, you're full of shit right there.

I didn't see anymoney, you're tripping.

That's kind of funny, that's the same day

you came home with those color contacts.

(audience laughs)

End scene, then it's Comedy Central

then ziggity bop bop and then something else happens.

Hey I'm Brian Babylon from Chicago,

vaya con dios, thank you very much.

(cheering)

- Give it up for Brian Babylon, what did I tell you?

The greatest!

(cheering)