Demetri Martin - Drunk Backseat Driver

  • Season 8 , Ep 15
  • 03/18/2004
  • Views: 95,521

Don't make the same Halloween costume mistake as Demetri Martin. (2:31)

THANK YOU, THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU

GUYS.

IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE DOING

A SPECIAL, MY FIRST SPECIAL.

IT'S A GREAT YEAR.

I MEAN I'VE HAD SUCH AN EXCITING

YEAR.

I HAD A GREAT CHRISTMAS THIS

YEAR.

I SET A PERSONAL RECORD ON

CHRISTMAS.

I GOT MY SHOPPING DONE THREE

WEEKS AHEAD OF TIME.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD ALL THE PRESENTS BACK

IN MY APARTMENT.

I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH WRAPPING

'EM, AND I REALIZED, DAMN,

I USED THE WRONG WRAPPING PAPER.

THE PAPER I USED SAID

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

[LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T WANNA WASTE IT,

SO I WROTE "JESUS" ON IT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

A DRUNK DRIVER'S VERY DANGEROUS.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

BUT SO IS A DRUNK, BACK-SEAT

DRIVER IF HE'S PERSUASIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

DUDE, MAKE A LEFT.

THOSE ARE TREES.

TRUST ME.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

TO ME SWIMMING IS A CONFUSING

SPORT, BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU DO

IT FOR FUN, BUT THEN OTHER TIMES

YOU DO IT TO NOT DIE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHEN I'M SWIMMING,

SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE

IT IS.

I GOTTA GO BY THE OUTFIT.

PANTS.

UH-OH.

BATHING SUIT.

OKAY.

NAKED.

WE'LL SEE.

[LAUGHTER]

SHOULD I BE SWIMMING FASTER?

OR AM I GETTING LAID?

I LIKE PARTIES, BUT I DON'T LIKE

PINIATAS BECAUSE THE PINIATA

PROMOTES VIOLENCE AGAINST

FLAMBOYANT ANIMALS.

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, THERE'S A DONKEY WITH SOME

PIZZAZZ.

LET'S KICK HIS ASS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS DON'T

MAKE THE SAME HALLOWEEN COSTUME

MISTAKE THAT I DID.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WAS MAKING PANCAKES THE

OTHER DAY AND A FLY FLEW INTO

THE KITCHEN.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THAT

A SPATULA IS A LOT LIKE A FLY

SWATTER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND A CRUSHED FLY IS A LOT LIKE

A BLUEBERRY.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

AND A ROOMMATE IS A LOT LIKE

A FLY-EATER.

[LAUGHTER]

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