Jamie Kaler - Right Turn On Red

  • Season 2 , Ep 0202
  • 07/12/2007
  • Views: 1,912

You can learn a lot about yourself while driving. (3:36)

Yeah!Yeah.

(cheering)I got to drive

around the citya little bit today.

Lot of fun.

Yeah. Lot of fun.

Real quick, does everyone hereknow it's a right turn on red?

(laughter)

In this country?Jersey.

Is it just me who gets stuckbehind the one guy

who won't take the right turnon red?

Well, you try to catch his eyein the rearview mirror?

You're like honking your horn,rolling your...

"Dude!

It's a right turn on red!"

And just then the old ladywith the walker comes out

from in front of the truck.

And you're immediatelythe biggest jackass

on the entire planet.

You know that... ah!

I have trouble with cars.

I learned in my carthat I, uh...

could not have children.

It was the day that I lockedmy keys in my car

with the engine running.

It's unbelievable.

You're sitting there lookingat this car.

It's running, locked.

You're like,"So, that just happened."

Well, this gene pool stops here.

I'm definitely not breedingafter that.

I thought about it, and there'sonly one level more stupid,

and that would be had I noteven parked the car.

I just barrel-rolled outand was like,

"That car can gowhere it wants."

I got to get some shoes.

I know, I can't have kids

because I, I can't even rememberto bring my leftovers in

from the car when I get homefrom the restaurant.

And my car stinkslike Chinese food.

I just know if I had a kid,I'd wake up one morning.

"Ah, man, I left Billyin the car.

Ah, dude,that's going to smell."

(laughter)

I'm saying I'm not doing that.

I did think about adopting...

uh, an 18-year-old girlfrom Thailand

whose hobbies include vacuumingand some light dusting.

I can't feed a kid.

I can't even feed myself.

I got home recently one night.

It's like 3:00 in the morning.

I'm a little drunk.I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm, uh, laying in bed,watching TV,

eating, uh, Ben & Jerry'sChocolate Fudge Brownie.

Uh, about three, three spoonfulsin, it's going fantastic,

right up to the pointwhere I fell asleep.

Slash passed out.

Because when I woke up there wasa giant brown puddle...

(laughter)

...on my chest.

But you know when you wake up

with a hangover, you're not sureexactly where you are.

Or what just happened.

So, when I woke up,I was like...

(sighing)

Oh, no, I've (bleep) my chest.

How would (bleep) even get outfrom in between my ribcage?

I'm gonna need some insurance.

How many knowthat's a true story?

(laughter)

(laughs)

That's why this is the greatestjob on the entire planet.

'Cause it's truly the only jobwhere you can tell

the most horribly, disgusting,

embarrassing storiesabout yourself

and it actually helpsyour career, you know?

Like you don't wantto be sitting

in your dentist's office

on a Monday morningreading a magazine

and have him comejust staggering in.

"Hey!

"Wow.

"Woo, I just woke upin the dumpster.

"Pretty sure I had sexwith a bag full of trash.

"Root canal?

Come on in the back."

Let me see if I can get myvision clear. It's really...

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