Earthquake - Interracial Dating

Kreischer, Notaro, Ryan, Earthquake Season 4, Ep 411 02/03/2001 Views: 10,064

It's a little too hot right now for interracial dating. (2:45)

GOOD TO BE IN LOS ANGELES!

YEAH!

FINE WHITE WOMEN, I SEE Y'ALL

OUT HERE.

I WAS GONNA GET ME A WHITE

WOMAN.

BUT O.J. DONE MESSED IT UP

FOR EVERYBODY.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

HE DONE SET INTER-RACIAL DATING

BACK A THOUSAND YEARS.

WHITE WOMEN BE COMING UP TO ME,

"MMM-MMM.

BACK UP, BACK UP, BLACKIE.

IT'S HOT RIGHT NOW.

PUT YOUR NUMBER ON THE GROUND,

WALK AWAY.

I GOTTA KICK IT TO THE CAR,

KICK IT TO THE CAR."

BEING OUT HERE IN L.A.--

I'M FROM WASHINGTON, D.C.--

THEY TALKING ABOUT, THERE WAS A

RAP WAR.

YOU KNOW, EAST COAST,

WEST COAST, BIG E., TUPAC.

I KNOW WHO KILLED BIG E.

AND TUPAC.

IT WAS HAMMER!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND VANILLA ICE DROVE THE

GETAWAY CAR.

AND THESE MOVIES COMING OUT.

NOW THEY COMING OUT WITH A

"HOME ALONE PART IV."

COME ON, MAN.

THE SAME WHITE DUDE'S FAMILY

GETTING LOCKED UP FOR LEAVING

THEIR KIDS HOME ALONE.

YOU SEE BLACK PEOPLE?

WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A

CHARGE, LEAVING YOUR KIDS HOME.

'CAUSE MY MOTHER USED TO LEAVE

US HOME ALL ALONE, ALL THE TIME!

WE USED TO WAKE UP IN THE

MORNING, FIND NOTHING BUT A

NOTE.

"DON'T TOUCH (BLEEP)!

YOU FOOD IN THE KITCHEN.

READ THE NOTE, GO RIGHT BACK

UPSTAIRS."

BUT YOU GOTTA GIVE WHITE KIDS

SOME CREDIT, THOUGH.

THINGS AIN'T RIGHT AT HOME,

THEY CALL THE POLICE ON 'EM.

Y'ALL GOT 1-800 NUMBERS AND ALL

THAT.

SEE, WE WOULD NEVER CALL THE

POLICE ON OUR MOTHER.

WE'D BE TOO SCARED THAT BITCH

BE ON THE OTHER END.

PHONE WOULD RING, "RING!"

"HELLO?"

"DIDN'T I TELL Y'ALL--"

"OH, THAT'S MOM ON THE PHONE!

SHE GONNA WHIP OUR ASS WHEN SHE

GET HOME!

(BABBLING)

WE AIN'T NEVER GONNA GET TO GO

OUTSIDE!

HERE SHE COME RIGHT NOW!

HERE SHE COME!"

(LAUGHTER)

I'M TIRED OF TV.

GET ON MY NERVES.

OPRAH: USED TO LOVE HER.

BUT WATCHING "OPRAH" SO MUCH,

I HAVE LEARNED.

NO MATTER WHO'S ON HER SHOW,

WHATEVER THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH,

OPRAH DONE BEEN THROUGH IT, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

"I GOT A SLEEP DISORDER."

"ME, TOO!"

(LAUGHTER)

"I BEEN HIT BY A CAR."

"ME, TOO!"

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL GET

OPRAH TO TELL ALL Y'ALL'S FAMILY

SECRETS.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE HAVE FAMILY

SECRETS.

BUT WE KEEP 'EM TO OURSELVES,

UNTIL FAMILY REUNION TIME.

SEE, WHEN THEM FAMILIES GET

TOGETHER SOME SECRETS COMING

OUT, AND IT'S USUALLY FROM THAT

DRUNK UNCLE.

I REMEMBER LAST YEAR,

I SAY, "UNCLE, TELL MY FATHER,

LOAN ME FIVE DOLLARS."

HE GONNA GET UP, TALKING ABOUT,

"THAT AIN'T YO DADDY."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "WHAT?"

"TELL HIM THE TRUTH!

TELL HIM THE TRUTH!

I CAN'T LIE TO HIM NO LONGER!

I'M YO DADDY, BOY!