Nick Swardson - The Worst Plus One - Uncensored

Romance 03/09/2016 Views: 9,719

After Nick Swardson reprimanded his friend for being a mess at a Las Vegas party, he ended up participating in some very bad behavior himself. (10:04)

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- Matt is out there,

in fucking his briefs,like tighty whities,

and he's with a hooker,

and I'm like, "Hey, Matt.You gotta go home."

And the hooker was like,"Hey, fuck you!

He's with me!"

[dark electronic music]

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♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Hello, everybody.

Welcome to"This is not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,

and tonight it's all storiesabout romance.

[cheers and applause]

Then, please, help me welcomea very, very funny man.

You guys will absolutelylove him,

everybody's friend,Mr. Nick Swardson, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

- So, I was in Vegas,

which is alwaysa great start,

and I feel like I'm cheating,so I sorry for that.

It's like,when you tell a story in Vegas

it's like alreadyfucking insane.

So it's like you're cheating,but this is one

of my favorite stories ever.

So, uh, my friend hada CD release party,

hot chick, awesome.She's like,

"Hey, I'm having likemy CD release party."

I don't know--I don't knowwhy she's a gay guy

all of a sudden, but...

[laughing]

But whatever.[laughs]

No, she's--she's like,"I'm having my CD release party,

like, you know,you gotta come."

I'm like, "Okay,can I get a plus one?"

And she's like, "Yeah."

I'm like,"Okay, cool."

And that's like, you knowwhen you like get a plus one...

to anything,but especially with like--

with it's an--when it's an event

where it's likesomething meaningful,

you're like,

"Okay, who the fuckam I bringing?"

Like, "Which friendcan fucking handle this,

and not be a disaster?"

You knowwhat I'm talking about.

It's like you have to hook uplike, your rolodex of like,

Steve, no.Rick, no.

Just like, you just have to gothrough like all this shit.

So I call my friend Matt.

I'm like, "Right,dude, we're going to Vegas.

Like VIP,fucking CD release party."

Like,"Fucking handle your shit."

He's like,"Yeah, totally."

[laughing]

So we fucking show up,

and we have a VIP booth,and she's singing.

She's like promotingher album and everything.

And it waslike really cool.

So we're sitting thereand like Matt is doing like,

way too much Jäger,which is always a red flag.

Like when someone is likerocking Jäger hard

like early in the night.

I was like,

"Okay, Matt.That's not what we planned on,

but...okay."

So he's just shredding it,

so she's singing.She's singing...

at Caesar's, like, in thislike VIP stage.

Fucking crowd is like,"Yay!"

And fucking--all of a sudden I'm like

in the booth like chilling,like, "This is great."

All of a sudden,Matt...

just decidesto make a beeline

to grab her tits...[laughing]

In the middleof her performance.

He's just like"Walking Dead, season four,"

just fucking...[laughs]

I was like,"Woah!"

Security immediatelytackles him,

fucking haymaker,

fucking tackles him.

And fucking,they like drag him like,

they're like,"Is this your buddy?"

I was like,"No."

[laughter]

Like, clearly I'm like,"Fuck that!

Fucking asshole."

So they fuckingtake him out,

he gets thrown outof the fucking club.

I stay, I'm chilling,you what I mean?

I got fucking moves.

And, uh, and then so,like, fucking 15 minutes later,

he's back in the club.

I looked down,and he's shirtless.

And I was like,"What the fuck?"

So I go downstairsand like go--I'm like,

I go, "Matt...

you gotta go home."

Like,"You're inappropriate.

"This isn't cool.

"You've gotta to backto the room, just...[whistles]

Sleep.Sleep it off."

He's like, "All right, dude.Fuck you!"

So he leaves.

So I fucking stayanother like hour.

Then I go back.This is all fucking real.

I go backin the casino lobby,

and Matt is out therein fucking--

his briefs,like tighty whities...

on the casinofucking floor!

In fucking briefs!

Now he hasno fucking pants!

And I'm like,"What?"

And he's with a hooker.

And I'm like, "Hey, Matt.You gotta go home."

And the hooker was like,

"Hey, fuck you!He's with me!"

I was like,

"Why don't you dial it down?My buddy's drunk."

And she's like,"No, fuck that! Fuck you!

This is mymotherfucking man."

And I was like,"Um, okay.

"First of all,nobody carries a wallet

"in their briefs,

so I don't know how the fuckyou're getting paid."

I'm like,"This is fucking...

"wallet's in his asshole,

"and that's your fetish,go for it,

but he's gotta go home."

So I fucking pull him away,

and I get him--I'm like,

"Go back to the fucking room,dude."

And then I, like,I'm mad.

It was like one of thoseVegas things where I was like,

like I was like an adult.

[chuckles]I was like,

I was like,"Here's the deal, man.

"Fucking be an adult.

"Like, you're fuckingembarrassing.

"Handle your shit.

"All you dois handle your shit.

"Just come,be responsible, fucking--

"you just had to goto a fucking party.

"Damn it!

"That's allyou had to do.

"Go to your room!

"Go to sleep!

"Now!

Go to sleep!"

And he's like,"All right, man.

Sorry.I fucked up."

I'm like, "Yeah, you did,motherfucker.

Big time."

So then he left.

And then I went out.

[laughing]

And...[laughs]

And I blacked out,

and then, uh...[laughing]

And then these aretwo things that happened:

I woke up,my other friend called me.

He's like,"Where are you?"

I go,"I'm at the Hard Rock."

He's like,"Where are you?

We're in the casino."

I'm like,

"I'm under the guitar."

[laughing]

So...if you knowthe Hard Rock,

I was outside...

sleeping under the guitar

of the fucking Hard Rock,

on the lawn

outside

of the casino.

I was fucking sleeping.

Woke me up.[babbling]

So he had to pick me up.

Then we go outafter that...

again.I still went out.

Baller.[laughing]

But no,so we go out after that,

and we go to a club,

and fucking getmore hammered.

And then I black out,

and I'm not joking at all.

This is how I woke up.

I woke up in a roomat the Hard Rock,

and fucking...

there was a fucking...[chuckles]

A chick blowing meand my friend at the same time.

A different friend,not my buddy Matt.

He was dead.[laughing]

Blowing me and my friendat the same time,

and I woke up to thatand I was like,

"What the fuck?

What's happening?"

It was like the weirdest wayto wake up.

And then I look over,

and there is, um...

a little person.

Again, I'm not joking.

Um, fisting a chickon a couch...

with cocaineall over his face.

Literally, literallyfisting a chick.

And I look over,I was like,

"What the fuck?"

[laughter]

"Oh, my God."

And thenwe made eye contact.

[laughter]

And he's like fisting her.

And, you know, it's...

[laughter]

You know what fisting is.

I don't haveto explain it.

I don't have to walk you throughthat fucking...

And fucking--he's fisting a chick,

and he looks over at me,

and we make eye contact,and he goes,

"Yeah!"[laughing]

It was like...[laughs]

And at that point,

I don't know what to do,so I was like,

"Yeah, dude.I don't fucking...

know what happened."

But it was justlike the weirdest...

like, irony, you now,me yelling at my friend, like,

"Hey, man.You gotta fucking chill out."

"You gotta fuckinghandle your shit.

"Fucking adult.

It's ridiculous."

And I'm fucking...

"Yeah..."

What is happening?

And then the next day,

I like--we, like, woke up, like,

and I saw him,he was like,

"What did you end updoing last night?"

I was like,

"Just fucking chill,bro.

[laughter]

Nothing, dude."

Fucking...

I couldn't, like,throw myself under the bus.

[laughing]

All right, anyway,that's the end of my story.

Thank you so much,you guys.

[cheers and applause]

You guys are awesome!

[electronic music]

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