(Dane Cook)THERE WAS A COMMERCIAL ONTV THAT USED TO TERRIFY ME
WHEN I WAS A KID.
IT WAS THOSE KOOL-AIDCOMMERCIALS.
GIANT TALKING BOWLOF FRUIT PUNCH
COMES CRASHING THROUGH YOURWALL, UNANNOUNCED, RIGHT?
NO WARNING.
JUST STARTSSCREAMING, OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
RIGHT?
AND HE WOULD DANCE.
AND HE WOULD BREAKYOUR COFFEE TABLE.
HE WOULDPUNCH YOUR ARMOIRE.
OH, YEAH!
AND THAT REALLYTERRIFIED ME.
BUT THE KIDS IN THECOMMERCIAL WERE ALL EXCITED.
THEY'RE EXCITED AND HAPPY.
IF A 400 POUNDJUG-A-JUICE CAME BASHING
INTO YOUR HOUSE,SCREAMING, OH, YEAH!
DANCING, WITH TIGHTS ON.
I DON'T KNOW WHY JUICEIS WEARING TIGHTS.
HIS JUICE BOXIS HANGING OUT.
I DON'T... I DON'T NEEDTO SEE THAT, KOOL.
AND THESE KIDS WOULDDRINK OUT OF HIM.
AFTER HE JUST BUSTEDTHROUGH A WALL
AND DEBRIS FELL INHIS OPEN IDIOT HEAD.
ASBESTOS, LEAD PAINT...
FELL INSIDE HIS HEAD.
HE WOULD POUR HIS FRUITYBLOOD INTO GLASSES.
OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
AND THEY WOULD DRINKHIS FRUITY, DIRTY BLOOD
OUT OF HIS OPEN HEAD.
AND BE LIKE... THANKS, KOOL!
NO!
IF THAT WAS ME, I'DBE LIKE... NO, NO.
I DON'T WANT TODRINK FROM YOU.
I WANT YOU TO FIXTHIS (bleep)DAMN WALL
BEFORE MY DAD GETSHOME FROM WORK.
HE'S NOT GONNA BELIEVEA DANCING BOWL OF FRUITPUNCH CAME IN HERE.
I'M GONNA GET BEATWITH A TOASTER.
I SWEAR TO GOD, BRO.
THIS IS BULL(bleep)...DON'T TOUCH ME!
DON'T... PLEASE.
I'LL KICK YOU IN THE LEGS.
YOU'RE VERY TOP HEAVYAND YOU WILL SMASH.
YOU FIX THIS WALL.
IF YOU GET THIRSTY,SIP YOURSELF,
YOU GLASS SON-OF-A-BITCH.
OH, YEAH!
OH, NO, THAT'SYOUR PROBLEM.
YOUR SLOGAN SHOULD BE,"OH, NO, WHAT HAVE I DONE
TO THIS BEAUTIFUL HOME?"