Patton Oswalt - Selling Out at a Casino Pt. 3

Patton Oswalt: Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Season 1, Ep 101 04/06/2014 Views: 9,470

Even at his own show, Patton Oswalt has a hard time getting a word in edgewise. (2:40)

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"AND THEY HAD THESEPORTABLE BARS IN THE BACK,

"AND THEY SAID,'NEXT 45 MINUTES, $2 SHOTS.'

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND EVERYONE GOT UP AND RANTO THE BACK OF THE ROOM."

AND HE SAID THEY WERE COMINGBACK TO THEIR SEATS

WITH THEIR ARM LIKE THISWITH LIKE NINE SHOT GLASSES,

SITTING DOWN AND JUSTBOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

SO, IT'S 400 SCREAMING DRUNKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I'M STILL A PROFESSIONAL,

AND THEY'RE PAYING MEA LOT OF MONEY.

AND I TELL THE WOMANTHAT'S RUNNING THE ROOM, SAID,

"HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT METO, LIKE, DO --

LIKE 50 MINUTES, AN HOUR?"

AND THEN SHE SAID,

"IT'S TOTALLY COOLIF YOU JUST DO HALF AN HOUR."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GO, "WELL, AGAIN,THAT'S NOT VERY --

FOR THE MONEY YOU'RE PAYING ME,I SHOULD DO THE FULL HOUR."

SHE GOES, "PLEASE DON'T DOMORE THAN 30 MINUTES.

"I'M SERIOUS.YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO MORE.

WE'LL BE PERFECTLY HAPPY.JUST DO 30 MINUTES."

SO, THEY ANNOUNCE ME.

HANG ON, 'CAUSE I'M OFFSTAGE.

THE ANNOUNCER GETS ON.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,FROM 'THE KING OF QUEENS,'

PLEASE WELCOME PATTON OSWALT."

THEN ONE --

I TAKE A STEP OUT.

THE MINUTE I BECOME VISIBLE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...THE CROWD STARTS --

I WASN'T HECKLED.

IN THE WALK UPFROM HERE TO THE MIKE,

THE CROWD STARTS SCREAMING

EVERYTHINGTHEY'VE EVER SEEN ME IN.

JUST SCREAMING,"THE KING OF QUEENS!"

[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

ALL 400 PEOPLE ARE SHRIEKING.

I GET TO THE MIKE,AND THEY'RE ALL JUST YELLING.

AND THEN ONE GUY IN THE FRONTWAS JUST GOING, "KING OF QUEENS!

KING OF QUEENS!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO THEN I GO,"YES, 'KING OF QUEENS.'"

THE GUY GOES, "AAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO HAPPY.

THEN IT DIES DOWN FOR A SECOND,

THEN SOMEONE GOES,"RATATOUILLE!"

AND I GO, "YES."

"AAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOR HALF AN HOUR...

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOR HALF AN HOUR...

I DID NOT TELL ONE JOKE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M NOT EXAGGERATING.