Bill Dwyer - Saying Good Night to Kids

  • Season 5 , Ep 11
  • 09/09/2001
  • Views: 1,404

Bill Dwyer does his best not to scare his children before they go to bed. (2:13)

BIL DWYER>> I'M A FATHER.

WE HAVE KIDS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T

WANT PETS.

YOU EVER MEET THOSE PEOPLE WHO

SAY, "OH, I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

MY CATS ARE MY KIDS."

OH, YEAH?

HOW ARE YOUR CATS DOING

IN SCHOOL?

(LAUGHTER)

YOUR EVER WORRY ABOUT YOUR CATS

HANGING OUT WITH THE WRONG GROUP

OF CATS?

AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOU

PUTTING YOUR KID TO BED AT NIGHT

AND YOU'RE SAYING TO THEM,

"GOOD-NIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT,

DON'T LET THE BED BUGS BITE"?

SUCH A REASSURING THOUGHT FOR A

CHILD DRIFTING OFF TO DREAMLAND.

"GOOD-NIGHT.

YOU HAVE INSECTS IN YOUR ROOM.

I HOPE SPIDERS DON'T CRAWL

INTO YOUR EARS.

GOOD-NIGHT, BUDDY!

ALL RIGHTY NOW,

IT'S NIGHTY-NIGHT TIME.

HEY, I HOPE A MONSTER

DOESN'T JUMP OUT OF YOUR CLOSET

AND DRAG YOU OFF TO HELL--

GOOD-NIGHT, PAL!"

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT WAS THAT?

OH, I THOUGHT I SAW SOMETHING

UNDER YOUR BED.

ALL RIGHT, NIGHTY-NIGHTY NOW.

ALL RIGHTY.

NIGHTY NIGHTY, MISTER TIGHTY

WHITEY SIGHTY BITEY.

HEY, WHY YOU CRYING?

I'M GOING TO TURN OFF THE NIGHT

LIGHT, SISSY, TIME TO GROW UP."

WELL, THAT'S HIS NAME.

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE

RIGHT THERE.

AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS,

I SAY YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

YOU WANT WITH THEIR MIDDLE

NAMES, YOU KNOW.

YOU HAVE A SON NAMED JIMMY,

MAKES HIS MIDDLE NAME

CRACK CORN.

HE WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

OH, MY FUNNY FATHER.

(MIMICKING COCKING A SHOTGUN)

(LAUGHTER)

"DADDY, WHAT HAPPENS TO DOGS

WHEN THEY GO TO HEAVEN?"

"UH, I DON'T KNOW LETS SEE,

BUDDY.

THEY GO TO A DOG HEAVEN

AND IT'S ALL DOGS, AND, UH,

NO ONE TO FEED THEM.

YEAH, YEAH.

CANS OPENERS STREWN AROUND--

YEAH.

SORRY, PAL.

THAT'S HOW IT WORKS."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

AS A FATHER.

LAST YEAR FOR HALLOWEEN

FOR MY DAUGHTERS COSTUME,

WE DYED HER FINGERS YELLOW

AND SHE WENT AS A CHAIN SMOKER.

SO CUTE.

SHE WAS WHEEZING.

HER CLOTHES STUNK.

SHE CAME HOME WITH A BAG FULL OF

BREATH MINTS.

I TELL YOU, THAT WAS SOMETHING

SPECIAL.

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