Tess - Juicy

  • Season 9 , Ep 5
  • 02/24/2005
  • Views: 2,149

God did not intend for a woman to weigh 90 pounds. (2:38)

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

Tess: OH, MY GOD.

HEY.

Audience: HEY!

Tess: THAT IS LOVELY.

OH MY GOD, THE LOVE.

THAT IS SO COOL.

UM, MAN, LET ME--

FIRST OF ALL, I GOT TO GIVE A

SHOT OUT TO ALL THE JUICY GIRLS.

HEY, JUICIES, HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?

SEE-- OH, I'M SORRY.

GIRLS, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

THAT IS, THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT

ONE.

OKAY?

THAT'S FOR ALL THE WOMEN WHO

DON'T CONSIDER THEIRSELF BIG OR

PLUS SIZED.

WE JUST CARRYIN' A LITTLE

EXTRA WATER, WE JUICY GIRLS.

WE JUICY.

AIN'T THAT RIGHT?

HECK, YEAH.

WE KNOW HOW IT IS.

AIN'T THERE CERTAIN TIMES OF

THE MONTH WE GAIN AN EXTRA 50,

60 POUNDS.

YOU KNOW.

JUST IN WATER.

RIGHT LADIES, RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HECK YEAH.

I COULD TAKE A PISS RIGHT NOW

AND BE DOWN TO 125, 125.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GET THEM JEANS RIGHT ON.

I DON'T CARE.

'CAUSE SEE, I'M FROM SANDUSKY,

OHIO.

AND-- HI.

AND BACK THERE, I WAS THE PICK

OF THE LITTER.

ALL RIGHT?

I HAD IT GOING ON.

I WON MISS CORN COB 3 YEARS IN

A ROW.

YOU KNOW.

I WAS SEARS ROEBUCK THAI WOMAN

OF THE YEAR.

FIRST PLACE IN THE TRACTOR PULL.

BUT-- YOU KNOW.

OH, NO.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOW.

LADIES, WE GOTTA LEARN HOW TO

LOVE YOURSELF.

THAT'S WHERE IT START, YOU GOT

TO LOVE YOURSELF.

I DON'T CARE.

YOU GOT TO.

YOU GOT TO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE Y'ALL, I WOULD LOOK IN

THE MAGAZINES AND I SEE THE

LITTLE GIRLS.

I WOULD BE LIKE, "OOH, THEY'RE

SO BEAUTIFUL."

I SAW 'EM UP CLOSE, Y'ALL.

AND THEY'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL.

THEY LOOK LIKE LITTLE 90-POUND

STICK FIGURES WALKING AROUND.

IT AIN'T HAPPENING, OKAY?

GOD DID NOT INTEND FOR A WOMAN

TO WEIGH 90 POUNDS.

ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU DO, YOU ARE IN THIRD

GRADE, OKAY.

THIRD GRADE.

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S TRUE.

ME PERSONALLY, I THINK THE

ONLY THING THAT SHOULD WEIGHT

90 POUNDS IS A MAYBE ONE

FULL-GROWN TITTY, JUST ONE...

[LAUGHTER]

JUST ONE VOLUPTUOUS BREAST.

NOT YOUR WHOLE DAMN BODY,

THEY CRAZY.

I DON'T CARE.

'CAUSE I'M HER

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