I've been drinking legallyfor a couple months now.
I think I should tell you guyswhat I've learned.
Don't drink when no one elsearound is your age.
Always ends bad.
I got drunkat my buddy's mom's wedding.
Woke up the next morning
with a 67-year-old lady's numberin my phone.
I was checkingwith my friends the next day.
I was, like,"Who is this bitch...
"Does anyone know?
"She keeps texting me.
We're supposed to go tanning."
I've got no clue.
My friends got all excited.
They were, like, "Oh.
You got to watch the tape."
The wedding video, right?
I watched it. It's embarrassing.
Me and this old broad cuddle upon the dance floor all close.
My hand... right on her boob.
All right, it was, like,right on her boob, okay?
I'm going to be honest.
I lean in to kiss her.
You can hear the camera guyon the tape talking.
He shouldn't be, right?
I lean in to kiss her,
so you can hear this guyon the tape.
He's, like, "No way!"
"It's not your job.
"You're behind the camera, jerk.
"Don't (bleep) talk me.
I'm trying to do something here,you know?"
You could see my buddies
on the corner of the dance floorholding people back.
They're, like, "No, no, no, no,no, let it happen."
"Let it happen.He wants this."
"It's completely natural.
"It's goingto make a great tape.
"What was your name-- Esther?
"You're through. Go ahead.
"Take out your teeth.
Geoffy likes a smooth ride."
(laughter and applause)
I don't know.
I was working a-a club once,
and a waitress came upto one of my buddies,
and she goes, "I really wantto sleep with Geoff Keith."
And then she goes--I swear to God--
then she goes, "But I just knowthat he's way out of my league."
Does any guy in herehave a league?
I don't have a league.
I'm like the rec center--open to the public.
All you have to do islive nearby and sign up.
I hand out membership cards.
I only have three requirementswhen it comes to girls. Ready?
One-- are you a girl?
Have you always been a girl?
And if not,can you keep a secret?