Rachel Feinstein - Nothing Matters But the Ass

Amy Schumer Presents Rachel Feinstein: Only Whores Wear Purple Season 1, Ep 1 04/23/2016 Views: 2,650

After Rachel Feinstein's middle school crush said he didn't like her, she sought advice from a fellow student who was wise beyond his years. (1:53)

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I was a weird kid.

I was just, like,awkward, you know,

like, one of my breastsgrew before the other.

I had, like, a starter tit,which is not a hot look

for a girl.

There was this one guy Rob,like, I liked him so much.

And I remember my friendcalled him on the phone

and I was, like,listening in just...

It was the most importantmoment of my life.

And she just goes,"What do you give Rachel

on a score from one to ten?"

(lowered)And he goes,"Probably like a four.

You mean the girlwith the lazy tit right?"

And then he goes, "There'ssomething gross about her,

but I, like, can'tput my finger on it."

Which is so much worsethan just like,

she's ugly or, like,she's a dog.

It's like, he's actuallytrying to get to the bottom

of what's so specificallyfoul about me.

He's on some sort ofa personal contemplative journey

to figure it out.

I was devastated.

And then, um, I went up tothis other guy at my school,

um, and I waslike really upset.

And I'm like, "Andre,I don't know if you heard,

"like, Rob say, like,a lazy tit, so that means

"he definitelydoesn't like me?

Is that--"

And he goes--

He got real serious,I'll never forget this moment.

He just looks at meand he goes,

(lowered)"Don't worry, nothing in lifematters but the ass, that's it."

He talked like Shaqfor some reason.

I was like, "Really? Okay."And then he goes,

(lowered)"Little boys thinkthat tits matter,

but adult men know thatass matters, that's all."

I'm like,"But you're 14.

You're not an adult."

(lowered)He goes, "I want the kindof ass, you know,

"you just gotta wrangle with.

"I want the kind of assthat's unruly.

"I want the kinda assyou gotta take down.

"I want an assthat just disagrees

"with the rest of the body.