Mike Lawrence - Not Good at the Sex

Mike Lawrence Season 2, Ep 10 05/31/2013 Views: 7,321

Mike Lawrence is very aware of the fact that he's not good with women. (1:37)

But I'll--I'll--I'll be honestwith you guys.

I'm not good at the sex.

And not just'cause I call it "the sex."

I'm working on a book right now,

The Fifty Shades of Un(bleep)able.

The truth is, like,

I just... I'm not...I'm not good with women.

Um, I remember, uh,this one time I went on a date.

Just once. Um... a-and the girltook me back to her place,

and we were playing Scrabble,

and I was kicking her(bleep) coccyx.

It's right near the assbut worth a lot more points.

In it to win it.

And she was like,"I hope you don't mind,

but I'm gonna cheat right now,"

takes out a bag of cocaine,

and just starts snorting itin front of me.

And I was like, "Hey,d-do you want to make out now?"

And she's like, "I don't thinkwe'll be doing that tonight."

And I thought to myself,

"How did I end upwith the only coke prude

"in New York City?

"Is it an open-nose,closed-vag policy

that someoneisn't telling me about?"

But then she startedmasturbating in front of me,

and I was like, "Hey,d-do you want me to join?"

And she was like, "No,I just want you to watch."

So I didbecause I'm a gentleman.

And she was grinding down there.

It looked like she was wasdrunk-dialing on a rotary phone.

She looked like she was playing"Free Bird" on Guitar Hero

on Expert, just unlockingevery achievement possible.

I love when I get to do thistowards the front

'cause then they get to feel

like they'rein the Splash Zone at SeaWorld.