Kirk Fox - House

  • Season 12 , Ep 19
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 43,348

Does it really matter where my house is? (3:00)

I ACTUALLY JUST BOUGHTMY FIRST HOUSE.

JUST CLOSED ESCROW,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NEXT DOOR TO ANGELINA JOLIEAND BRAD PITT.

WHOO!

I MEAN, IT'S IN CAMBODIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

15 BUCKS, eBay.

I JUST SAID,"LET'S GO FOR IT, MAN.

"I DON'T KNOW.

"MIGHT BE REAL, MIGHT NOT.I DON'T CARE.

FOR 10 BUCKS, WHY NOT,YOU KNOW?"

GOT A LITTLE MORTGAGE.

YOU KNOW, 30 CENTS A MONTH,

60-YEAR FIXED.ADJUSTABLE. SOMETHING.

IT'S GOOD.LADIES LIKE THAT STABILITY.

"YOU HAVE A HOUSE?""YEAH, I GOT A HOUSE."

"WHERE?"

"DOESN'T REALLY MATTERWHERE IT IS.

IT'S ON THE BEACH."

"MALIBU?"

"MAYBE.I GUESS. IT COULD BE.

"BIG ENOUGH WAVE,IT MIGHT MAKE IT TO MALIBU.

MAYBE MIAMI.

"I'M NOT SURE WHEREWE'RE GONNA LIVE, YOU KNOW?

PACK A BAG.WE'LL WATCH THE WEATHER CHANNEL.

WE'LL DECIDE THEN."

GOT MY CREDIT SCORE.GOT A LOT GOING ON, MAN.

GOT MY FIRST CREDIT SCORE.GOT MY FICO.

100.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, I THOUGHTI'D MISS A COUPLE." YOU KNOW?

HE'S LIKE,"NO, YOU MISSED LIKE 700.

IT'S ONE OF THE WORST SCORESWE'VE EVER SEEN."

I'M LIKE, "HOW BAD IS IT?"

HE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, THERE'SHOMELESS GUYS IN THE 200s."

"REALLY?NOT FOR LONG.

"WITH A SCORE LIKE THAT,THEY SHOULD BUY A HOUSE.

"I BOUGHT A HOUSEWITH 100 POINTS.

WHAT CAN YOU GETWITH 200 POINTS?"

HE'S LIKE,"THERE'S GUYS ON DEATH ROW

THAT CAN FINANCE A HOUSEBEFORE YOU."

"GIVE ME THEIR NUMBER.MAYBE THEY'LL COSIGN FOR ME."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THEN HE'S LIKE,"YOU OWE US 100 BUCKS."

I'M LIKE, "I THOUGHT IT WASA FREE CREDIT REPORT."

HE WAS LIKE,"WELL, THAT'S IF YOU QUALIFY."

I'M LIKE,"WELL, I'M NOT PAYING.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING

WHEN YOU WERE CHECKINGMY CREDIT HISTORY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY CREDIT SCORE IS SO BAD,I BLAME IDENTITY THEFT.

TWO WEEKS AGO,SOMEONE STOLE MY IDENTITY.

NOW THEY'RE TRYINGTO GIVE IT BACK

BECAUSE THEY FOUND OUTHOW TERRIBLE MY CREDIT WAS.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE ME NOW.

"I'VE MOVED ON.GOT MY LIFE TOGETHER.

KIRK FOX WAS HOLDING ME BACK,YOU KNOW?"

CREDITORS CALL,I FORWARD IT RIGHT TO THIS GUY.

THIS GUY'S GONNA END UPPAYING ALL MY BILLS.

MAYBE EVEN MY STUDENT LOAN.

15 YEARS, I HAVEN'T MADEONE STUDENT LOAN PAYMENT.

THEY STILL CALL MEEVERY WEDNESDAY FOR 15 YEARS.

LIKE NEXT WEDNESDAY I'M GONNAANSWER THE PHONE AND SAY,

"LET'S DO IT.

"LET'S JUST DO IT, MAN.

"WHAT DO I OWE YOU GUYS?46 GRAND?

"HERE'S A BUCK.

"THAT'S ALL I GOT.

JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE."

"WHERE?"

"DOESN'T REALLY MATTERWHERE IT IS.

IT'S ON THE BEACH."

IF THEY REALLY WANTED METO PAY BACK MY STUDENT LOAN,

I DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD HAVELET ME MAJOR IN ANTHROPOLOGY.

HOW CAN YOU MAKE A LIVINGDOING ANYTHING

WITH THE WORD "APOLOGY"IN THE TITLE?

I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN, MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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