Christopher Titus - That Magical Age

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 22,218

Christopher Titus's daughter has turned into a witness for the prosecution. (4:04)

Watch Full Episode

MY LITTLE BOY, HE'S, I DON'T LIKE HIM MUCH YET.

- HE, AH-- - [LAUGHTER]

WELL, I MADE HIM SMILE A COUPLE TIMES.

BUT I'M FUNNIER THAN THAT.

AND IF I'M PAYING YOUR RENTAND FEEDING YOU,

I'M THE FUNNIEST SON OF A BITCH IN THAT HOUSE.

THIS HOW YOU WAKE UP, HA, HA-HA, HA-HA-HA!

OH, YOU'RE KILLING ME, DADDY. STOP IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE. OH, WAIT. I'VE ALREADY PEE'D.

- SORRY. IT'S OKAY. GO AHEAD. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, HE'S COOL. MY DAUGHTER'S FIVE AND IT'S COOL, MAN,

'CAUSE THEY'RE AT THAT AGE, TWO TO FIVE, IT'S MAGICAL,

EVERYTHING THEY HEAR, THEY SUCK IT IN, THEY SAY IT

EXACTLY HOW YOU SAID IT TO THEM.IT'S AMAZING. AND KIND OF LIKE

LIVING WITH A WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION, MAN,

'CAUSE WE HAD A LITTLE INCIDENT. OUR FIRST ONE HAPPENED WHEN

MY DAUGHTER WAS 18 MONTHS OLD. I HAD TO TAKE HER FOR THE DAY.

'CAUSE IT'D BEEN 18 MONTHS AND MY WIFE NEEDED TO "SHOWER."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS GETTING KIND OF FUNKY LADY, I'LL ADMIT THAT.

SO I GOT THE KID IN THE CAR AND I'M BY MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I'M JUST DRIVING.

AND WE HAD A LITTLE ROAD RAGEINCIDENT, NOT MY FAULT.

SHUT UP, LADY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

GUY CUT ME OFF. I CATCH UP. "ALL RIGHT, MAN, IT'S ON!"

AND FROM THE BACK SEAT, [HIGH-PITCH VOICE] "IT'S ON."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NO REAL DAMAGE DONE, RIGHT? EXCEPT, I'M A NEW DAD.

I'M STILL MY OLD PUNKY SELF. I START CHASING HIM DOWN THE FREEWAY. "WHAT A [BLEEP]!

"WHAT A [HIGH-PITCH VOICE] [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I GOT TO TAKE HER HOME TO HER MOTHER AND THERE'S NO

DUCT TAPE IN THE CAR. SO I WENT TO THE WALGREENS AND GOT SOME BENADRYL.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

THE "SEVEN DOLLAR BABY-SITTER."

OH, MAN, I GOT HOME A COUPLE HOURS LATER,SHE WAS GREAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE BITCHING ABOUT ALL THE TIME.SHE DIDN'T MAKE A NOISE.

WHY YOU WHISPERING? SHE'S NOT GONNA WAKEUP FOR A WHILE.

AND WHEN SHE DOES, SHE'S GONNA KNOW SOME NEW WORDS.

BUT SOME GOOD ONES, TOO,LIKE ADULT AND DOSAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, SHE'S SO PRECIOUS WHEN SHE SLEEPS WITH

- HER EYES OPEN LIKE THAT. - [LAUGHTER, OH'S AND APPLAUSE]

THREE MONTHS LATER, MY WIFE ASKS ME TO TAKE HER OUT AGAIN

'CAUSE SHE NEEDS ANOTHER SHOWER.

HOW MANY SHOWERS DOES THIS WOMAN FREAKING NEED?

SO I GOT THE KID IN THE CAR AND WE'RE DRIVING AND WE HAVE

ANOTHER ROAD RAGE INCIDENT. NOT MY FAULT.

BUT I SEE A PATTERN.

GUY CUTS ME OFF, I SLAM ON THE BRAKES, YOU KNOW,

AND I SLAM AGAINST MY SEAT BELT.

SHE JAMS AGAINST HER 48-POINT HARNESS.

BUT I'M A GOOD DADDY. I LEARNED MY LESSON.

I DON'T DO ANYTHING. I JUST GO [INHALES, EXHALES]

FROM THE BACKSEAT, "SON OF A BITCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH MOMMY WHEN WE GET HOME.

"IT'S ON." "THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ON. HELL, YEAH.

HELL, YES IT'S ON. IT IS ON."

SHE'S COOL, MAN, BOTH MY KIDS, FIERCELY INDEPENDENT.

AT 13 MONTHS THEY DECIDED THEY COULD HANDLE THEIR OWN LIVES.

MAYBE 'CAUSE I'M THEIR DAD THEY'RE LIKE, DAD, I GOT IT.

MY BOY'S LIKE I DON'T NEED YOU TO FEED ME.GIVE ME THE FORK.

DINK, DINK, DINK, DINK, DINK!

THEN CHILD SERVICES COMES OVER I'M LIKE, "HE DID IT."

AND MY DAUGHTER, MAN, WHEN SHE HIT THREE YOU COULDN'T GET NEAR HER.

I TAKE OFF MY OWN CLOTHES. I TAKE OFF MY OWN CLOTHES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, HON, BUT TAKING OFF A LONG SLEEVE TURTLENECK SWEATER

TO A 3 YEAR-OLD IS LIKE SPACE TRAVEL TO US BIG PEOPLE.

BUT HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED, LET THEM DO IT.

SO I JUST BACK UP, LET HER DO IT.

BUT I'M TIMING HER. TWENTY-TWO SECONDS IN,

SWEATER'S WRAPPED AROUND HER HEAD FOUR TIMES, RIGHT?

SHE GOT ONE EYE SHOWN BUT IT'S ROLLING BACK DUE TO LACK OF OXYGEN.

NOW THE SWEATER'S OVER HER FACE.

SHE CAN'T SEE SO SHE STARTS TO PANIC

AND STARTS RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAY TO HER BEDROOM.

BUT SHE CAN'T SEE SO SHE'S JUST BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS AND FURNITURE

AND I REALLY WANT TO HELP HER.BUT I'M LAUGHING SO HARD

- I CAN BARELY STAND UP. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]