The Sklar Brothers - The Dice Man

  • Season 14 , Ep 12
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 16,595

After Andrew Dice Clay performs for an hour, all that's left is a disaster area. (5:22)

IT'S FUN.

I LOVE A GOOD NIGHTOF COMEDY

WHERE THERE'S A GOOD HOSTAND KEEPS THE FLOW MOVING.

THAT'S GREAT.

BUT SOMETIMES,SOME PLACES DON'T HAVE A HOST.

THEY DOWHAT'S CALLED TAG-TEAM.

THERE'S A COMEDY CLUB IN L.A.,THEY HAVE TAG-TEAM.

YOU BRING UP THE NEXT ACT,

THEY BRING UP THE NEXT ACT,AND SO ON.

AND THAT'S COOL,BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES SOME BIG PEOPLECOME IN, AND THEY INTRODUCE YOU.

PEOPLE YOU GREW UPWATCHING ON TV.

IT'S VERY EXCITING.SOMETIMES IT'S GREAT.

SOMETIMES IT'S BAD.

WE'LL GIVE YOU A STORYTO ILLUSTRATE EACH.

ONE NIGHT, WE WERE ONSTAGE,AND THE GREAT ARSENIO HALL --

AR-SEEN-IO HALL.

AR-SEEN-IO.LONG "E."

ARSENIO HALL BRINGS US UPONSTAGE.

HE'S SO PROFESSIONAL.

15-MINUTE SET.HE DOES 14 1/2 MINUTES.

CUTS IT OFF.

NEVER MET THE MANIN OUR LIVES.

AND THEN HE GETS LOW.HE GOT EXCITED.

DID AN OLD-MAN-PANTLIFT-UP.GOT EXCITEDTO INTRODUCE US.

YES, HE WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE GONNALOVE THESE NEXT BROTHERS."

HE STARTED SWAYING."WE GOT THE BROTHERS.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVETHESE BROTHERS."

"YOU'RE GONNA LOVETHESE BROTHERS."

"OH, THE BROTHERS."

AND I SWEAR TO GOD,

JASON AND I WERE OFFTO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE.

I KID YOU NOT,MY ARMS STARTED TO DO THIS.

I WAS LIKE,"ARE YOU DOING THIS?!""I'M NOT DOING IT."

"HE'S DOING THIS TO US!"

"HIS VOICEIS MAKING THIS HAPPEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I CAN'T CONTROL THIS."

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS GREAT.AMAZING.

THE FLIP SIDEOF THAT COIN --

AND WE'RE GONNA GETINTIMATE WITH YOU NOW --

WE WERE BROUGHT ONSTAGEBY THE NOT-SO-GREATANDREW DICE CLAY ONE NIGHT.

THE DICEMAN.

STILL WEARING WEIGHTLIFTINGGLOVES TO DO COMEDY.

THAT IS, UH...

YOU NEED THIS PARTOF YOUR HAND COVERED

IF YOU'RE GONNA TELL JOKES.

OR ELSE YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

HE WAS AN HOURINTO HIS 15-MINUTE SET.

COURTEOUS.THAT'S JUST COURTEOUS.

THAT'S JUST GOOD,LOOKING OUT FOR THE NEXT COMIC.

AND, OF COURSE,HE FORGOT WHO THE NEXT ACT WAS,

BECAUSE HE WAS TOLDIN A DIFFERENT DECADE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SO THIS IS THE EXCHANGETHAT HAPPENS SIDEOF THE STAGE BEFORE.

THIS IS OUR INTRODUCTION.

HE'S LIKE, "WHO'S NEXT?""THE SKLAR BROTHERS."

"WHO?""THE SKLAR BROTHERS."

HE TURNS TO THE CROWD,AND HE'S LIKE,

"WELL,I NEVER HEARD OF THEM,

SO YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA[BLEEP] SUCK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HURT A LITTLE BIT.WE WERE LIKE, "SHOULD WEGO ONSTAGE RIGHT NOW?"

"DID HE GETOUR CREDITS RIGHT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE GINGERLY TIPTOE ONSTAGE.

AND AS IF THAT WASN'THUMILIATING ENOUGH,

HE GOES BACK UP ONSTAGE,GRABS THE MICROPHONE AGAIN.

HE'S LIKE, "NO, I GOTTHEIR OPENING LINE FOR YOU.

"THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE,'DICE OPENED FOR ME.

"DICE OPENED FOR ME.'WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOUSE.

"THEY'RE LUCKYI DIDN'T DO MY OLD STUFF.

IF I DID MY OLD STUFF,THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLETO STAND ON THIS STAGE."

THEN HE DROPS THE MICROPHONEAND DAMAGES IT.BEAUTIFUL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN HE WALKS OUT,GETS INTO HIS LEASED ESCALADE,

AND DRIVES OFF INTO THE NIGHT,SOMETHING SAD LIKE THAT.

HE HAS LEFT USWITH NOT A COMEDY ROOM, OKAY?

AFTER DICE PERFORMSFOR AN HOUR,

IT'S NO LONGERA COMEDY ROOM.

IT'S A DISASTER AREA.

I DON'T WANT TO SAYIT WAS A DISASTER AREA,

BUT FEMA SHOWED UP THREE WEEKSLATE, SO THAT'S HOW THAT WAS.

THAT'S HOW MUCHOF A DISASTER AREA THAT WAS.

SO, WE HAVE TO DO OUR MATERIAL,AND WE'RE GETTING TO DO IT,

AND I'M THINKING ABOUTWHAT HE SAID,

"I DIDN'T DO ANYOF MY OLD MATERIAL."

AND I CLEARLY REMEMBERWALKING INTO THE SHOWROOM

45 MINUTESINTO HIS 15-MINUTE SET

AND HEARING HIM DELIVERTHIS NUGGET OF COMEDY GOLD --

"CALL WAITING? WHAT THE HELLIS THAT [BLEEP] ABOUT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF THAT'S A JOKE.

SECOND OF ALL, CALL WAITINGWAS INVENTING IN THE '60s.

IT WAS OLD WHEN YOU STARTEDIN COMEDY.

YOU'RE JUST NOW WRITINGYOUR CALL-WAITING BIT? OKAY.

AND FINALLY,WHO IS MAD AT CALL WAITING?

IT'S THE GREATEST INVENTIONEVER.

EVER.I IMAGINE DICE BEING SO MAD.

DICE IS JUST STEWINGABOUT IT.

"SOME STUPID BROADTHOUGHT OF CALL WAITING."

"OH! I'M A DUMB DUMMY.I CAME UP WITH CALL WAITING."

"OH! I'M A WOMAN.

I CAME UP WITH TECHNOLOGY THATHELPS PEOPLE REACH EACH OTHER."

"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOU GOTTO TALK TO ME, YOU STUPID...

DEE, DEE, DEE!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHATEVERWE JUST CAME UP WITH

OFF THE TOP OF OUR HEADSRIGHT THERE

WAS BETTERAND MORE WELL-WRITTEN

THAN WHAT HE DIDON THAT NIGHT.

BUT IT'S EXCITING.

IT GOT US THINKING,IF THAT'S WHERE DICE IS

IN HIS WRITING PROCESS,WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP?

WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT HE DOESTHE NURSERY RHYMES

THAT MADE HIM FAMOUS.

BUT INSTEAD OF DOINGPUNCH LINES

THAT HE JUST STARTS REVEALINGSAD TRUTHS ABOUT HIS LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO NOW WHEREVER WE GOWHEN WE HAVE A LITTLE TIME,

WE'RE WAITING ONA SUBWAY PLATFORM,

AT AN AIRPORT,AT THE DMV,

THE TWO OF US IMMEDIATELYBUST INTO DUELING DICES.

WE CAN'T STOP.I'LL SEE YOUR ARM.

I'LL SEE YOU OUT OF THE CORNEROF MY EYE, AND MY ARM COMES OUT.

IT'S LIKE, "OH!"

"OH!"

"OH!"

"HICKORY DICKORY DOCK,

"I USED TO BANG EVERY CHICKON THE BLOCK.

"BUT NOW I'M ALONE,NO ONE CALLS ME ON THE PHONE,

"AND I WEAR WEIGHTLIFTING GLOVESAROUND THE CLOCK.

OH!"

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I TOOK A JOBON A CRUISE SHIP."

"I NEEDED THE MONEY! OH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"JACK AND JILL WENT UP A HILLTO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER."

"AND IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS

"SINCE I'VE HAD A MEANINGFULCONVERSATION WITH MY DAUGHTER.

OH!"

OH, GOD. WOW.

OH, DICE.

THAT HURTS MY HEART.

LITERALLY, I WAS LIKE,"IF IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS

"SINCE YOU'VE HAD A MEANINGFULCONVERSATION WITH YOUR DAUGHTER,

"YOU KNOWWHAT YOU ACTUALLY NEED?

CALL WAITING. OH!"

THANK YOU, GUYS.WE ARE THE SKLAR BROTHERS.

Loading...