( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, BABY.
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."
MY NAME IS JON STEWART.
MY GUEST TONIGHT, AZIZ ANSARI.
TREMENDOUS COMIC.
ACTUALLY STARTED OUT HERE AS ANINTERN, WORKED HIS WAY UP TO
CELEBRITY GUEST.
AZIZ ANSARI.
HE'S GOING TO BE ON THE PROGRAMTONIGHT.
BUT I CAN'T EVEN-- I'M BUSTING,JERRY, I'M BUSTING.
LIKE MANY OF YOU, I HEARD SOMEINTERESTING, LET'S CALL IT NEWS
TODAY, ABOUT A CERTAIN, LET'SSAY, GIFT FROM HEAVEN.
( LAUGHTER )
ENTERING THE PRESIDENTIALRACE, BECAUSE APPARENTLY
HUCKABEE-SANTORUM WASN'TFAR-FETCHED ENOUGH.
I GOTTA TELL YOU, THE WORLDRIGHT NOW IS GOING -- WHITES ARE
BLACK, TRUMP'S RUNNING FORPRESIDENT.
LIKE.
DOES GRAVITY STILL WORK?
I MEAN, IT'S-- YA!
OBVIOUSLY, AS A PARENT, I KNOWALL TOO WELL, WE HAVE TO HAVE
SOMETHING NUTRITIONAL BEFOREDESSERT, SO, IF YOU WILL JUST
BEAR WITH ME, WE CAN KNOCK THESPINACH OUT AND STICK OUR NAKED
ASSES IN A GOLDEN CORALCHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN SOON.
SATURDAY, FIRST RALLY, CLINTON.
>> IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HEREWITH ALL OF YOU --
>> Jon: YES, YES, WONDERFUL TOBE WITH YOU, TOO.
PICK UP THE PACE.
THERE'S A CRAZY PERSON RUNNINGFOR PRESIDENT.
>> THERE MAYBE SOME NEW VOICESIN THE PRESIDENTIAL REPUBLICAN
CHOIR.
BUT THEY'RE ALL SINGING THE SAMEOLD SONG, A SONG CALLED
"YESTERDAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL OUR TROUBLES LOOK AS THOUGHTHEY'RE HERE TO STAY.
AND WE NEED A PLACE TO HIDEAWAY.
THEY BELIEVE IN YESTERDAY.
>> Jon: YOU'RE KILLING ME.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
HILLARY, I MEAN THIS IN THENICEST WAY POSSIBLE, LET IT BE.
LISTEN, SO, SO, DIG IT.
SHE'LL DO GREAT.
WHO'S NEXT?
>> I'M A CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WOOO!
>> Jon: WOO?
YOU, RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IS"WOO"?
YOU AREN'T EVEN CLOSE TO "WOO."
I HAVE A WHO IN MY BACK POCKETWE'LL TALK ABOUT LATER.
YOU'RE MORE LIKE THIS GUY.
THE EMOTICON DOES THAT GUY HAVEA NAME?
THAT GUY'S NAME IS PROBABLY JEBBUSH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY YOU, JEB BUSH?
>> THE PRESIDENCY SHOULD NOT BEPASSED ON FROM ONE LIBERAL TO
THE NEXT.
>> Jon: NO, IT SHOULD BEPASSED DOWN FROM ONE FAMILY
MEMBER TO THE NEXT.
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE A PRECIOUS HEIRLOOMYOU STORE FOR SAFE KEEPING IN A
GLASS CASE IN PA-PA'S GARAGEIN KENNEBUNKPORT NEXT TO HIS
PILE OF BUTLER SKELETONS.
ARE YOU DONE YET?
>> IN THIS COUNTRY OF OURS, THEMOST IMPROBABLE THINGS CAN
HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: I KNOW, AND WE'RETRYING TO GET TO HIM.
BWT YOU WON'T SHUT UPBECAUSE YOU'RE THE PLAUSIBLE
CANDIDATE WITH THE GIANT WARCHEST WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE
PRESIDENT.
>> IN THIS COUNTRY OF OURS, THEMOST IMPROBABLE THINGS CAN
HAPPEN AS WELL.
TAKE THAT FROM A GUY WHO MET HISFIRST PRESIDENT ON THE DAY HE
WAS BORN AND HIS SECOND ON THEDAY HE WAS BROUGHT HOME FROM THE
HOSPITAL.
>> Jon: YES, ONLY INAMERICA COULD A MAN BE BORN THE
SON OF ONE LEADER AND THEBROTHER OF ANOTHER, OR SAUDI
ARABIA, OR WESTEROS, I GUESS,ANYWHERE WHERE A HEREDITARY
MONARCHY.
CAN. I. EAT.... MY DESSERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MYFATHER, DONALD J. TRUMP.
♪ ["ROCKIN' IN THE FREE WORLD"PLAYS] ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: I'M JUST REALLY HAPPYRIGHT NOW.
A BILLIONAIRE VANITYCANDIDATE, TAKING THE ESCALATOR
TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
HEY, ONLY LOSERS WALK.
PRESIDENTS TAKE STAIR FORCE ONE.
WHAT AN ENTRANCE.
AN ESCALATOR DOWN.
I HAVEN'T SEEN AN ENTRANCE THATMAJESTIC SINCE MY FRIEND MET ME
AT THE GAP AFTER GRABBING ANORANGE JULIUS.
( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )
WOW!
COME ON!
LET'S DANCE, CLOWN STICK!
>> I AM OFFICIALLY RUNNING FORPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
AND WE ARE GOING TO MAKE OURCOUNTRY GREAT AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: THAT GUY ( BLEEP )SCORED HIS OWN PRESIDENTIAL
ANNOUNCEMENT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M GOING TO RUNFOR PRESIDENT.
KYLE, IN THE SOUND BOOTH, NEILYOUNG ME.
YES.
♪ ROCKIN' IF THE-- ♪
OKAY, CUT, DONE.
AND WHAT FOLLOWED WAS A HALF ANHOUR OF JIBBER-JABBER EVER TO
POUR FROM THE MOUTH OF ABAT-( BLEEP ) BILLIONAIRE.
>> THE U.S. HAS BECOME A DUMPINGGROUND FOR EVERYBODY ELSE'S
PROBLEMS.
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT US.
HOW HOW STUPID ARE OUR LEADERS?
WE HAVE LOSERS.
WE HAVE LOSERS.
WHEN DID WE BEAT JAPAN ATANYTHING?
CHINA HAS OUR JOBS, AND MEXICOHAS OUR JOBS.
WHEN MEXICO SENDS HIS PEOPLE--THEY'RE BRINGING DRUGS.
THEY'RE BRINGING CRIMES.
THEY'RE RAPISTS, AND SOME, IASSUME, ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
>> Jon: I'M SAYING BENEFITOF THE DOUBT, HUH?
THEY CAN'T ALL BE RAPISTS.
IT'S NOT PROBABLE.
THIS GUY JUST 'NO DISRESPECTED"OUR SOUTHERN NEIGHBORS AT HIS
PRESIDENTIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS.
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF DRUG DEALERSAND RAPISTS-- NO DISRESPECT.
HE'S AMAZING!
AMERICA'S ID IS RUNNING FORPRESIDENT.
TRUMP IS THE PARTY OF BRAIN THATIS LIKE AT 3:00 A.M. GOING LET'S
TAKE A ( BLEEP ) IN A MAILBOX.
COME ON!
WHO'S GONNA KNOW?
NOW EVERY CANDIDATE USES THEIRANNOUNCEMENT SPEECH TO LIST OFF
A LITANY OF VALUES THAT DEFINETHEM.
SO DID THE DONALD.
>> I'M REALLY RICH. ILL SHOW YOUTHAT IN A SECOND.
I'VE DONE AN AMAZING JOB.
A NET WORTH OF $8 BILLION-- NETWORTH, NOT ASSETS.
I HAVE THE BEST COURSES IN THEWORLD.
THE GRAND HYATT HOTEL.
THE CONVENTION CENTER ON THEWEST SIDE.
TRUMP TOWER.
BANK OF AMERICA BUILDING IN SANFRANCISCO.
I JUST SOLD AN APARTMENT FOR $15MILLION TO SOMEBODY FROM CHINA.
( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HEY, $15 MILLION TOA CHINESE GUY!
WHO'S BETTER THAN ME?
HEY, KYLE, NEIL YOUNG ME, BOOM!
THIS SPEECH WAS SO ( BLEEP ) UP,THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, ALL
THE LIQUID IN HIS BODY TRIED TOESCAPE THROUGH THE CORNER OF HIS
MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, DONALD.
THANK YOU, DONALD TRUMP FORMAKING MY LAST SIX WEEKS MY BEST
SIX WEEKS.
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Jon: NO!
HE IS PUTTING ME IN SOME KIND OFCOMEDY HOSPICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHERE ALL I'M GETTING ISTHIS STRAIGHT MORPHINE-- WELL,
OBVIOUSLY, WITH SUCH ASTUNNING ANNOUNCEMENT WE HAVE
FULL TEAM COVERAGE.
WE'RE GOING LIVE TO JORDANKLEPPER, LIVE AT TRUMP
HEADQUARTERS.
JORDAN, WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THELATEST?
>> JON, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS ISREALLY HAPPENING.
DONALD TRUMP IS RUNNING FORPRESIDENT.
IT'S GOING TO BE SO, SO GOOD.
SO, SO-- OOOH!
OOOH!
>> Jon: JORDAN!
>> OOOH!
OOOOO-OOOH!
>> Jon: JORDAN? JORDAN!
>> OHHHH, OHHH.
>> Jon: I'M GOING TO HASANWHILE YOU COLLECT YOURSELF.
HASAN MINAJ, LIVE FROM THECAPITOL.
WHAT IS THE WORD DOWN THERE?
>> YES, JON, I JUST WANT TO OAKOWHAT MY COLLEAGUE IS SAAAY--
>> OHHH, OHHH!
>> I'M FINE, I'M FINE.
LET'S GET BACK TO THEANNOUNCEMENT THAT TRUMP IS RUNG
FOR PRESIDENT.
OH, MY GOD!
OOOH!
OOOH! I USUALLY HAVE A LONGERREFRACTORY PERIOD.
I'M SORRY, JON.
BUT --
>> Jon: JUST BECAUSE DONALDTRUMP IS GOING TO BE FLYING
AROUND IN AIRFORCE TRUMPDOESN'T--
>> OOOH.
>> OOOH!
>> OOOH!
OOOH!
>> OOOOH!
>> Jon: STOP, THINK OF YOURGRANDMOTHER!
THINK OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER!
>> MY GRANDMA IS IT RUNNING FORPRESIDENT!
>> Jon: JESSICA WILLIAMS!JESSICA WILLIAMS!
AT TRUMP INTERNATIONAL NEWYORK CITY, ARE YOU FEELING IT.
>> OH, MY GOD.
YES.
WHAT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.
DEFINITELY THE BIGGEST I'VE EVERSEEN.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CANTAKE IT ANYMORE IT'S SO --
>> Jon: I FEEL LIKE-- JESS, IFEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT REALLY INTO
THIS.
I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE NOT REALLYINTO THIS, JESS.
>> WHAT?
NO.
THIS IS AMAZING.
IT FEELS SO GREAT.
I JUST ACTUALLY REALLY HAVE ANEARLY DAY TOMORROW, SO ARE WE
GOING TO GET DONE WITH THISSEGMENT OR...
OR.
>> I'M DONE WITH THIS SEGMENT.
>> I'M DONE.
>> Jon: JORDAN, ARE YOUOKAY?
( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S PROBABLY THEBEST NEWS WE'VE EVER HAD.
THANKS, GUYS. WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )